The eye of the storm

Yesterday morning, I lost my shit. And what I mean is that I. LOST. MY. SHIT. Totally - a complete freak out/meltdown that I can't stop thinking about.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed - even though I know enough about myself and my life to know that this has been coming for a long time. A really, really long time.

I'm weary and my heart is heavy and as much as I'd like to post something silly and funny, I just can't bring myself to do it today.

I hope you understand.

Slightly less poop to figure out...

After my post on Sunday, I realized the truth in what I wrote...which is to say that I realized that something had to change.

Shortly after that, I went on a crazy cleaning/re-organizing binge in my house. I de-cluttered, scrubbed, and re-organized...and what I was left with was slightly less anxiety about my disdain for my current situation. I even picked up my journal and started writing instead of typing...allowing whatever came to my mind to be written down. It was very theraputic and helped me get in touch with the sadness that I have about various things. I started going back to church a couple of weeks ago and although I haven't found the right one (am I the only person who thinks that finding a church you connect with is like dating?) I've found things that I so clearly need to pay attention to in the services that I've attended. And that has brought about healing as well.

I even went through old pictures that I have digital copies of and had them printed up so I could put them up on my wall o' pictures.

My home? I'm starting to have more pride in it - and that makes it feel more like a place I want to be rather than a place I have to be.

It's a start.

My slumps, my lovely lady slumps...

I'm in a slump...so I needed a blog that wasn't quite so pretty, quite so bright, and quite so summery.

I'm okay - really I am. And despite my written spewage to Ginger yesterday, I've got a plan to get myself out of the slump. The plan: figure out my poop.

Not my literal poop. But my mental poop. Like wanting to date guys and then me being completely freaked out when someone shows interest. Me not wanting to move from Denver but being unhappy with where I'm at. Me not wanting to make plans for anything long term for fear that I will move...and instead finding myself in a holding pattern.

Oh, and there's the small subject of a certain someone. A person who does not read this site anymore, a person who I miss very much but can't really talk about for the fear of what that makes me as a person. I know, I'm being cryptic. I know, it's probably irritating. Just suffice it to say that out of all the things I don't even know if I want (including what to have for lunch), this is the one thing I know I do want.

This post didn't intend to be this dark...but rather to introduce my new dark design. But I guess I felt I owed you some insight into my life.

And all my friends who think I'm blessed...they don't know my head is a mess

I love Brandi Carlile's music - or at least what I've heard of it.

And I can't help wondering if "The Story" is the story of how I will always feel...or if it's just a stage I'm going through.

(sigh)

I keep reminding myself that this, too, shall pass.


For those interested in listening to it, you can see the video and hear the song here.