I've created a MONSTER

So...Chassis is fine. After blood tests and urine tests, we've found out that she just had one heck of a bladder infection. She's been on meds (again) since last Wednesday and as of tonight will be on a new set of meds for the next few weeks. They'll test her again next week to make sure that the infection is going away and then after that, I may be able to convince the bank to let me keep my house.

Alright. I'm kidding. But let's just say that if you want to buy plasma, I have some I'd be up for selling really cheap.

The great news is that the antibiotics this time around are really strong. And in case you didn't know this, that means that she could have diarrhea. And in case you didn't know, diarrhea from a 175 pound dog is, in a word, absolutelyfreakindisgusting.

SO to counteract that, she needs to eat food with her meds. It's hard to get a 175 pound dog to do anything she doesn't want to do - and eating is one of those things. So I've discovered some great treat options to throw in her food bowl so that she'll eat the treats and the food. Yay team!

But now comes the problem of getting the meds in her mouth. One of the best ways I've found is to slather these two huge pills in peanut butter and then plop it in her mouth.

It's important to note these two things:
1. Chassis does not enjoy having things shoved in her mouth, so she's quick to spit it out.
2. Holding her mouth closed so she swallows is effective, but it's kind of like a test of wills. She doesn't want to swallow and I want her to. She will stand there for 15 minutes with it in her mouth, not swallowing JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN.

Because of the standoff, she has learned that she doesn't like to take her pills. BUT she does love the taste of peanut butter.

So our twice daily routine is this:
1. I encourage Chassis to get up from sleeping to get a treat.
2. She raises her head and looks at me.
3. I encourage her further (note: this usually means using a higher tone of voice such that my neighbors will start to wonder if Minnie Mouse is at my house).
4. She eventually gets up and lumbers towards me.
5. I get the peanut butter/pill combo at the ready.
6. I take a deep breath, put her in a weird headlock, and try with all my might to pry her jaws open. This is usually accompanied with me praying/pleading with Chassis to please just open her mouth.
7. Chassis smells the peanut butter and because she loves the taste of it, she starts drooling. Profusely.
8. My hands, after being lubricated with slobber, start slipping over her mouth and mouth flaps*...my grip starts to falter!
9. Chassis, sensing weakness, will try to squirm from the headlock position, making peanut butter smear all over her face and/or what I'm wearing.
10. Repeat steps 6-9.

Eventually after several shots of alcohol, lots of cursing, and a little crying, the pills actually manage to get in her mouth and she swallows them.

In case you're wondering, it is exactly the amount of fun you think it is.


*Mouth flaps are my way of describing her lips....they're actually flaps of lip material that completely cover (aka flap over) her bottom jaw when her mouth is closed.

I do not think that word means what you think it means

Chassis, my big blue Great Dane, is fantastic. In my opinion, she is the perfect pet - which means that she is the perfect dog (because again, I'm not a huge fan of cats). Despite her health issues, she has the best disposition of any animal I've been around. But then again, I *might* be a bit biased.

She weighs in at anywhere between 140 and 150 pounds, depending on the time of year. That much dog means that she eats a lot of dog food - 6 cups a day to be exact. And in case you didn't major in math, I'll just tell you that that adds up to a CRAPLOAD (pun intended) of dog food over a month. The food that she was on was Eagle Pack Large and Giant Breed. She did so well on it, versus the previous foods that I've had her on (Canidae, Timberwolf, and even some holistic brands) that gave her horrible skin allergies and conditions. She used to literally scratch herself until she was raw. She's allergic to just about everything and changing her diet to or from anything provides more gas than anyone should be forced to be around in their lifetime. So I try not to switch much about her diet.

BUT in these economic times, Eagle Pack has continued to raise their prices. And now a 33 pound bag, which lasts her about 3 weeks, is over $45.00. That means that I pay about $60-$70 a month. A MONTH. Something had to change.

So, at the recommendation of other forums and pet food specialists, I've switched her to a brand called...

EXTREME DOG FUEL!

Although I didn't have a firm idea on what I expected the bag to look like, I guess I did imagine the packaging to be more...well...extreme.

For those that care, she's been on it for about a week and it's working fine so far. Her skin looks great and we're not having any more gas issues than normal. Which means for the most part, I can keep the gas masks in the closet. The added benefit is that at $33 for a 40 lb bag, it's much more affordable. AND they touted that I would be able to feed her less as the food is much more nutrient dense.

I've just cut her monthly grocery bill in half, which means that there is more money to spend on beer Plan B Bibles.

Stupid magnet

Sometimes, I love going places with my dog. She is HUGE and we get a lot of attention no matter where we go. The thing is, I need to learn when I probably SHOULDN'T take her places. Those times are when I'm cranky.

Her nails are black and because she's a Great Dane, they are really thick (think: talons). That means that they're hard to clip without hitting the quick (which is the inner part of the nail. If you hit that, they bleed all over the place). AND she needed to have her anal glands expressed. That's such a nice way to say that she has butt juice that needs to be squeezed out of her. There are a lot of things that I'll do to save money...but possibly getting sprayed with butt juice is NOT on that list.

So today, even though I knew I was cranky, I didn't have the luxury of not seeing people. Because yesterday was still snowy and icky from our blizzard on Friday, I had to take her to the vet/Petsmart today. I'll leave the specifics out of it, but let's just say that when a dog her size has anal glands that need to be expressed, it's best that you go ahead and take care of it ASAP.

We got out of the car and headed back directly to their vet area. In my experience, the vets know how to cut nails shorter and without hitting the quick than any other groomer I've been to. We're standing there behind two other people/pets that are trying to get checked in... and that's when I remember that my dog? Yeah, she's a stupid person/comment magnet.

Conversation with random lady #1:
Her: Wow. That's like a horse!
Me: Actually, it's more like a dog.
Her: Well, he's huge!
Me: Uh huh. (Inside, I want to YELL that it's a female dog - hence the pink leash and collar...but because I can already tell that she's getting on my nerves, I decided to take the easy way out).
Her: So, where do you keep it?
Me: Keep what?
Her: Your dog...where do you keep it?
Me: In the house.
Her: Oh. What do you feed it?
Me: Food.
Her: Whoa. Can you ride it?
Me: No.
Her: Have you tried?
Me: No. She's a dog.
Her: I bet it'd be fun. So seriously, does she eat like animals?
Me: What?
Her: Like rats and mice?
Me: No - I think you're thinking of snakes.
Her: Ohmigod, she eats snakes??
Me: No. She eats dog food. Like kibble. Just like any other dog.
Her: Oh.
At this point she got the hint and decided to keep shopping for whateverthehell she came there for.
****************************
Conversation with random lady #2:
Her: Wow. That is a huge greyhound!
Me: Umm....
Her: I mean, is it mixed with something?
Me: No - she's a purebred Great Dane
Her: Oh - are you sure? Because she's a grey-ish color and I didn't think they come in that color.
Me: She's actually classified as "blue." This is the official color of blue on Great Danes.
Her: No...I think that she's got to be mixed with something. I mean, look at her back end. It slopes - just like a Greyhound.
Me: No. She's actually got the profile of a dane. She's tall though.
Her: I think that she may have some Greyhound in her. You might want to check.
Me: Yeah, okay then.
****************************************
Conversation with random guy #1 (as we're leaving the store):
Him: WHOA! What *is* that thing?
Me: A dog.
Him: How did it get that big?
Me: Food.

Seriously, I know that it seems like I'm being an ass, but this does not count all of the people that come up and want to see her, pet her, or ask a zillion questions about her. Most of the time, I'm okay with it - I even budget it in my time that I'm planning on being at whatever place I'm going. I get it, she's big. And most of the people that come up to talk are so nice and sweet. I appreciate it when they ask if they can pet her and I'll answer as many questions as they have. But I just wanted to get in and get out of the store today. I didn't want to answer any more questions.

I'm thinking about getting a shirt that just says:
150 pounds
Female
Yes, they come in this color
6 cups a day
In her dog bed...not in my bed
4 years old
No, I don't own a saddle

Because those are the answers to the question I get most often.

Wow. I AM cranky today.

Sorry - happier posts will hopefully resume tomorrow.