Slightly less poop to figure out...

After my post on Sunday, I realized the truth in what I wrote...which is to say that I realized that something had to change.

Shortly after that, I went on a crazy cleaning/re-organizing binge in my house. I de-cluttered, scrubbed, and re-organized...and what I was left with was slightly less anxiety about my disdain for my current situation. I even picked up my journal and started writing instead of typing...allowing whatever came to my mind to be written down. It was very theraputic and helped me get in touch with the sadness that I have about various things. I started going back to church a couple of weeks ago and although I haven't found the right one (am I the only person who thinks that finding a church you connect with is like dating?) I've found things that I so clearly need to pay attention to in the services that I've attended. And that has brought about healing as well.

I even went through old pictures that I have digital copies of and had them printed up so I could put them up on my wall o' pictures.

My home? I'm starting to have more pride in it - and that makes it feel more like a place I want to be rather than a place I have to be.

It's a start.

My slumps, my lovely lady slumps...

I'm in a slump...so I needed a blog that wasn't quite so pretty, quite so bright, and quite so summery.

I'm okay - really I am. And despite my written spewage to Ginger yesterday, I've got a plan to get myself out of the slump. The plan: figure out my poop.

Not my literal poop. But my mental poop. Like wanting to date guys and then me being completely freaked out when someone shows interest. Me not wanting to move from Denver but being unhappy with where I'm at. Me not wanting to make plans for anything long term for fear that I will move...and instead finding myself in a holding pattern.

Oh, and there's the small subject of a certain someone. A person who does not read this site anymore, a person who I miss very much but can't really talk about for the fear of what that makes me as a person. I know, I'm being cryptic. I know, it's probably irritating. Just suffice it to say that out of all the things I don't even know if I want (including what to have for lunch), this is the one thing I know I do want.

This post didn't intend to be this dark...but rather to introduce my new dark design. But I guess I felt I owed you some insight into my life.

Thoughts of mine

People, I've got a lot of thoughts bouncing around my mind these day - so many, in fact, that I feel like I don't even know where to start blogging about them. Some are not important, and some are worrisome. UGH.

For instance, I'm finding that I don't want to be around people for some reason. I'm really not sure what that is about, but it's true! Like, if I have the option of hanging out with friends, volunteering, or even going on a date, I'm just not that into it.

I have a busy docket for the next couple of weeks - and maybe that's the issue.

Maybe I've gotten more introverted as I've grown up.

Maybe it's because I spend all day on the phone striving to give the best customer service to people who could care less.

Maybe it's because my thoughts seem to be revolving around an issue that there is no win-win to...one that I have a hard time talking to people about for fear of judgement, advice I am not asking for, or worse, the realization that there will never be a win-win.

I'm not sure, but I just want my space these days.

And what I see that I'm doing is pushing away people that I do care about. Because the alternative to doing something with these people is watching re-runs of Top Chef or some crap like that. (Which, by the way, I LOVE BRAVO TV!)

Anyway, if you can help me figure out how to get over this, that'd be swell. I find myself these days replying "yes" for things and then as they're coming closer I'm all "that would cut into my happy fun pants wearing time." It's not the money involved...it's not the driving...it's not even usually the specific people. It's that they are people.

Am I crazy?

Tell me you've gone through this, you know someone who has, or you have some sort of suggestion...because I have no clue WTF to do about it all.