Goodbye and thank you

I have two favorite musicals - Chess and Evita.

Chess, because I went to see the musical in my teenage years and there is a song titled "Nobody's Side" which is heartbreaking and full of all the self-protecting angst that any teenager with my background is likely to embrace.  It's like "I Am A Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel on steroids.  Or more aptly, hormones.

Evita, because one of my best friends in college loved the musical and dragged me to it.  I know every word by heart thanks to the limited amount of CDs that I could have in my car on cross-country trips.

There's a song in Evita titled "Goodnight and Thank You" and the song is about how Evita basically used men in her life to get her to where she wanted to be.

Uplifting, no?

This past year, I've done a lot of saying goodbye AND thank you.

I quit my job in Denver where I worked for a great company and had a great management position. I picked up my tiny family (consisting of my daughter and myself) and moved to northern Colorado working for a small company with little chance of upward mobility.  I've said goodbye to the career path I thought I'd always wanted and to a busier lifestyle that suited me for a while.  I've unfriended all but one of the guys that I wish I would've married if I just wouldn't have been so stupid (and one guy that I met after he was married).  They're all married and I got tired of seeing status updates and wondering what my life would've been like as their wife and as the mother of their kids, The last guy I should still unfriend is someone from my first semester in college I never even dated but definitely should have.  We have many shared friends so the unfriending wouldn't exactly remove him from my newsfeed.

I've said goodbye to unhealthy patterns and friendships that were too time-intensive and drama filled to maintain.  I've stood up to people who have tried to push me around for years and have found my voice to tell my family that I don't want to raise my daughter like how I was raised.  Some of these were easy to walk away from and some, like one of my very best friends from college where we realized we just had grown apart, were harder.  In each friend or pattern I let go, I felt better.

I've swapped my fast-paced and on-the-go mentality to be one that is a bit simpler. It takes 15 minutes to get to any location in the town I live in now.

I've given up cable and watch the occasional show on Hulu or Netflix. I don't even have an antenna for local channels.

I spend time with those few people that truly feed my soul and I spend quality moments with those that understand me at my core.

I spend quality time with my daughter and the very best sound in the world is her laughing at something I'm doing to make her laugh. She is smart and has a keen sense of humor already.  Well, that, and she finds farts as funny as I do.

Instead of blogging, every once in a while, I email her pictures, videos, snippets of our day, or cherished memories that I know neither of us will remember by the time I give her a password to the email account. Because let's be honest, I was never going to keep up with updating a baby book.

My evenings consist of me picking her up from day care, cooking our dinner while we sing (and she pulls out every piece of Tupperware I own), giving her a bath, reading books together, and then putting her to bed by 7:30.  I'm usually asleep by 9:30.

I'm cooking more, eating healthier, and taking care of myself much better than I ever have before.

I still hope to marry.  I hope that all of my chances at a great relationship weren't wasted because I was too scared to be with someone who treated me the way I'd always dreamed of being treated.

I truly do love my life and I'm so thankful for the choices I made that led me to this place.  I'm grateful for the people and interactions that I've had.  I'm glad that I had the courage to let go of what I knew wasn't for me anymore and get to this place that feels right.

My life finally feels balanced...or at least more balanced than it ever has been before.

And of that, I am deeply thankful.

Clarifications

So, wow!  People still read this blog!  Thanks for the comment and the messages to me personally - they are very nice to get!

I figured that I'd clarify two things from my last post.  I wrote it hurriedly while on a conference call and there were two things that probably need clarifying.

First, when I said my family is happy except for my dad, I kind of need to put an asterisk next to that...because my dad doesn't really get happy about anything.  He's very factual and not emotional (think Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory").  And because he's a doctor he knows the risks of miscarrying in the first trimester so his first bit of advice was "try not to get attached." I shit you not.

But he's supportive of me.  He acknowledges that I'm pregnant, asks how I'm feeling, and lets me know that he's praying for me.  In my dad's book, this is VERY supportive.  But no, I wouldn't classify that as "happy."

Secondly, when I said that some the ladies in the Single Mothers By Choice group were jealous, it came off like I was thinking that they didn't like me because I was so awesome.  I mean, YOU know that I'm so awesome, but chances are these ladies haven't realized it yet. 

This group is made up of people that are thinking about doing this, trying to do this, or actually ARE doing this.  And unfortunately, many, many people come to the group in their 40s wanting to have babies because they haven't found the right person yet.  And by then (and I swear I'm not trying to scare any of you), it's too late.  That's right - all the stuff people told me growing up of "You have plenty of time!" isn't true.  The reality is, we kind of don't.  Sure, you can look at the Halle Berry's of the world and think about how she is able to have fully healthy babies after 40.  But what you don't know is what goes on behind the scene - she probably had IVF done (which is SUPER expensive to the average person) to make sure that there were no genetic defects and was monitored by lots of doctors to make sure that the pregnancy was going along as planned.  Even then, you don't know how many tries it took to get her this far.

The average woman doesn't have unlimited tries and resources to get pregnant.

So when I say that they're jealous, what I mean is that I got pregnant on the first try.  Without any drugs to trigger ovulation or beef up my egg quality.  And sometimes it's hard to talk to another woman who has been trying for 5 years and has even gone down the path of egg donation (getting another woman to donate her eggs and then fertilizing it with donor sperm to put into the original woman to try to carry) and for me to say that I got pregnant on the first try.

It's not that they don't like me...it's that sometimes it's hard to have a conversation with someone that doesn't realize just how lucky they are when you want that more than anything else.

What they may not realize is that I get that too.  Having just gone through Valentine's Day hearing about everyone's plans, gifts, cards, etc. wasn't the most fun I've ever had.  Of course I want to get married and have a partner.  So I get it and I at least can recognize that I am lucky to be able to be successful on the first try.

So what am I most worried about?  That the yogurt that I didn't realize was expired until AFTER I ate it won't cause my baby to have to wear an eye patch for his whole life.  Or that because I feel fine and have no morning sickness that it means that something is wrong with my baby.  I'm worried that I don't eat nutritiously enough or that the two Girl Scout cookies I had last night will cause my child to struggle with weight their whole life just as I have.

From what I understand, that worry about my child doesn't go away.  Ever.

Even for Halle Berry.

I don't even know where to begin...

Hi there!

So much has happened since I last wrote that part of me wonders whether it's even worth continuing on this blog...

First, the awesome boyfriend that I've known for years (and years) and was dating this summer?  Yeah...that didn't work out.  He is a fantastic person, but he has a significant drinking problem.  When he contacted me via Facebook, I specifically asked how long it had been and his answer was "a long time."  He also said that he and his ex had been over for "a really long time."  Turns out "a long time" is relative.  He stayed sober the entire time we were together, but when I left for a trip in the fall, I came back home to find him completely blotto-ed on my couch.  I nursed him back to health (which was probably the most traumatic experience of my life) and then took him to his parents.  He hasn't been able to stay sober for longer than 3 weeks since then and even then I think that was only one stint.

In some ways, it was hard to say goodbye to him.  Especially since I ostracized two people that meant something to me just to date him.  But going through what I did - all that worry and drama is just not healthy.  And I want a healthy relationship.  I might sound cold about it but I think that's because I've processed through it and to be honest, it feels like it happened "a long time ago."

Separately (and it's important that I stress that this is not linked to the breakup!), I resurfaced the thought about having a child by myself.  As you might remember (hello, post below from October of 2012), I've been thinking about this for a while and I did a LOT of soul searching in late summer to figure out if this was the right choice for me.

After researching lots of different methods, I found a choice that felt right to me.  I planned and was finally able to get the green light to try.

And I'm pregnant!

My first attempt worked and I'll likely give birth at the end of September.

I'm REALLY happy about this choice and sometimes feel overwhelmed...but from talking to my friends that have been moms, they all say it's normal.

It's tough to do this by myself.  I found out I was pregnant at 2 AM and called my mom and woke her up.  My first ultrasound where I heard the heartbeat had me in tears and more than a little wishful that someone else was there to share in my joy and relief.  I did record the heartbeat and sent it to my family.

My family? They're super happy.  Well, except for my dad, the doctor, whose first response after me telling him I was pregnant was, "You're kidding."  To be clear, he's known that I was going through the process...but I don't think he (or anyone really) expected it to take on the first try.

I'm not making it public on Facebook yet (so please refrain if you know me in real life).  I'll announce after I get the 12 week ultrasound.  I have a few more weeks to decide what to share and how.

There is a support group that I've joined - called Single Mothers by Choice.  They have a Denver chapter and almost all the women have been really supportive of me.  Others are jealous or just plain old cranky.  I guess they're allowed to be that way since they're pregnant too.

Anyway, I'm happy.  The baby is healthy.  And life is good.

The truth is...

The truth is...I've missed blogging.  Actually, I've missed blogging a lot.

So much has happened since I last wrote that sometimes it just feels easier to skip it all together.  I find myself asking, "How do I give context?"

But the truth is?  I started this blog with no context for any of you...especially those who happened to find me somewhere along the way.

So, since we're on this subject, here are many of my truths:

1.  I hate dating.  Okay, this you probably already knew.  But it feels a bit cathartic to actually write it.

2.  I want a baby.  Badly.  Not like I'm going to go all "Raising Arizona" on some unsuspecting family but bad enough that I am seriously considering sperm donors.  Wow.  That also feels cathartic to write that.  Out loud.  Ish.

3.  I've been in my new house for a year.  One year and I'm still wondering if I did the right thing by breaking up with Joe.  Because sometimes, I get lonely.  And while I know firsthand that just because you're "with" someone doesn't mean that you don't ever feel lonely, it still sometimes eats at me.  Because sometimes it's hard to forget the comfort and consistency that I found in his friendship.

4.  I've gained back every ounce of weight I've ever lost.  And wow if that doesn't tend to fuck with your confidence regarding my first point.  The thing is?  As I get older, I'm starting to realize that guys mind a lot less than they ever have before.  Unless you count my dad.  Nothing's changed there...he's still a dick to women who are over 100 pounds.

5.   I love my job.  I mean, I LURRRVE my job.  For the record, I switched companies in April and I now work for a company that a certain sitcom likes to call Kabletown.  Some days, I can't believe that they're paying me as well as they do to have as much fun as I have.  I work in a supportive environment - one where I'm rewarded, praised, challenged, and accepted.  Also, I get free cable.  So yeah, I love this company.

6.  My first "real" boyfriend found me on FaceBook and friended me.  That happened about a month ago.  It's still weird.  And I wonder if he's checked out my pictures, my posts, and anything about me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wonder this because there is any love for him still; he seems to be happily married and that's great.  I think I feel weird because I was completely heartbroken when we broke up...and I was the one that dumped him.  I just changed my mind about a day later and was an absolute mess and he knew it.  I'd like to think that almost 20 years later, he's forgotten about it...but it's still kind of weird.

7.  I love HBO's "The Newsroom."  They just finished showing their first season and it's no longer on Video On Demand.  But I love it.  A lot.  And I want to recommend it to anyone.  It's by Aaron Sorkin - the guy who brought you "The West Wing," "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip," and "The American President."  So yes, it's liberalish.  But it's also fast paced, witty, and absolutely delightful.

8.  I have adopted two orange tabby cats in January.  They're brothers.  Their names?  Oliver and Fat Gordon. And sometimes?  I can't tell them apart.   

9.  I have listened to "El Camino" by Amos Lee several times as I have been writing.  His voice feels like it's snowing outside and I'm inside, bundled under covers, in a favorite sweatshirt and fun pants, sipping hot cocoa.  Listening to his music is like being hugged...only with less groping.  Probably.

10.  I can't think of a tenth thing.

Until next time...

No, it really *is* a toothbrush...

Last week, I went on a business trip to a small town in North Carolina. I'd like to say that I had fun, but I like that this is a place where I can be honest. Like this time.

Anyway, right before leaving my hotel room, I usually do a sweep of the whole place to make sure that I leave nothing behind. But the day I checked out, I felt confident. I mean, I KNEW I had packed everything.

Except that apparently, I didn't.

I forgot my electric toothbrush. And it's an awesome one.

So I called the next day (after realizing that I left it behind) and had a conversation that went like this with the lady at the front desk:

Lady: Hi. Good morning. I'm in a crappy mood. I'm going to ask how I can help you, but I don't really want to help you.

Me: Fabulous. Say, I checked out of your fine hotel yesterday morning and I realized last night that I left something there. I stayed in room 115. Can you tell me if your housekeeping staff noticed an electric toothbrush?

Lady: Did they notice one? Well, I mean, they probably did.

Me: Great. Could someone send it to me?

Lady: You really want us to mail you your toothbrush back? Can't you just buy another one?

Me: Well, it's an electric toothbrush.

Lady: Huh?

Me: It's electric. It vibrates? So it gets your teeth really clean? It's made by SonicCare? They're not really cheap. So if they did find it, could you all send it?

Lady: Wait. HA! Oh. I know what you mean. It's a vibrating "toothbrush." Hahahaha Yeah. We find those "toothbrushes" kind of often. But I've never had someone ask me to send theirs to them.

Me: Um. No. I don't mean a vibrator. I mean it actually is a toothbrush.

Lady: Uh-huh. Well, let me ask the housekeeping department and we'll hit you back if we found anything like what you're describing.

Me: Uh...thanks.

And scene.

Just a friendly Public Safety Announcement

Last week, a co-worker named Stacey quit.  She found a better, higher paying opportunity but the real reason she quit is that she couldn't stand her boss.  In fact, no one can really stand the boss - it's not a secret.

As is typical in my workplace, another co-worker sent out an email inviting people to meet up on Friday to celebrate with Stacey.

So the email went out to probably 15 of us asking us to forward on to anyone else we thought was cool enough to be in attendance.

One of the people invited, Chuck, wrote to Stacey and a few others this:

"Alright!  I'll come!  And I'll bring the (insert Stacey's boss' name here) pinata!"

Okay.  So that's funny.  Because I don't know anyone who wouldn't at least fantasize about hitting this person with a stick.

But what he didn't realize is that he also sent this to Stacey's boss.

Doh!

Stacey's boss immediately forwarded the email on to our Human Resources person filing a grievance against Chuck stating that she felt that her life was being threatened.

At Stacey's exit interview, our HR person said "Oh, and I won't be able to make it out for your going away celebration.  I have other plans."  Apparently SHE thought that when she was forwarded the email by Stacey's boss that she was actually being invited.

Seriously.  I can't make this crap up. 

Also? Check your To:, cc:, and bcc: fields before sending.

I'm a two

This morning I had my yearly check-me-for-moles-and-skin-cancer appointment.  It's important to have those appointments for everyone - but especially for us pasty people.

I ended up arriving early* and got seated into the exam room pretty quickly by an overly-exuberant guy.  I don't know what his function is but he's also the guy who answers the phone sometimes and also books follow up appointments. 

Anyway, we're in a closed room and he's asking me all the standard questions and then he looks at me critically and says, "Oh.  You're a two."

I must've looked a bit surprised...I mean, here I was, at 7:30 in the morning, looking as cute as I could muster without having a full mug of coffee, but wow.  Honesty hurts.

Because as soon as this dude leaves the door, I've got to strip down for a hot doctor to check my skin.  As in every inch of my body.  Under the ever so complimentary fluorescent lights.  And if anything bolsters my confidence in these situations, it's having someone look at you critically and then rank you. 

OUT LOUD.

So then he laughs and turns bright red and explains that "two" is just a way to describe people's skin color.  1 is people who are albino, 2 are people "like me", 3 are "typical" Caucasians, 4 are people who are Hispanic, and 5 are people who are "super dark."  I didn't ask where Asians and any other ethnicity fell into place because I felt pretty certain I could fill in the blanks.

So I made some paltry excuse of a joke like, "Wow.  Sorry. I thought you meant something else at first.  I just haven't had my coffee yet." And I pointed to the travel mug on the table next to me.

Then, he stammers, and says, "No.  You're a hottie. I definitely wasn't rating you as a two."

I just blinked.  Because, now what does one say?

He blushes, then says, "Sorry, I'm not thinking.  I haven't had any coffee yet.  Can I smell yours?"

Um.  What?

Oh! He means my coffee.

Nope.  That doesn't make it any less weird.

I opted to laugh as if he was kidding.  He laughed.  And then gave me a paper gown.

But you know what?  I'm super appreciative of him - because no matter how compliments come about, it was nice to receive one. 

Even when I'm a two.


* This is a huge accomplishment.  The appointment was WAY down south in a hospital that is super hard to navigate.  I didn't remember which suite he was in and I didn't write it down when they called for the appointment reminder.  In fact, as the doors were closing on the elevator, I thought, "Crap.  I should've probably looked at the little informational thing in the lobby to double check." 

But I got to the right suite, even though it was twisty-turny, on the first time.  Early.  I'm kind of my own hero.