Guilty...

I'm struggling.

Have you ever heard yourself say something to a friend and as the words come out of your mouth you're thinking, 'Wow. I am really sounding crazy here. This is not healthy.' and you still keep talking as if you're not thinking that?

I had that experience on Friday night while talking to my friends Matt and Kelly.

I feel guilty for the stupidest things. And honestly, I'm not entirely sure where that came from.

When I was a kid, I was (by my parent's and sisters accounts) a horrible child. Like I was all strong willed and apparently NO babysitters wanted to babysit if I was going to be there too. Really. I must've been a horrible little child. And unfortunately, I've been reminded of this period of my life that I don't even remember so many times that it's a constant record playing over and over in the background of my head. I'm sure there were good things about me as a child, like when I was sleeping, but I'm not aware of many of them. Because I don't remember those times (I don't even remember thinking those things that made me act like a brat) I feel like I've had to pay for someone else's mistakes and I have to be twice as good, twice as responsible, twice as kind - one for me, and one for the devil child that reigned supreme.

So I lived in black and white. I babysat for a friend's siblings who were absolute hellions as a way of paying back the babysitters I don't even remember. I made sure that I said what I thought I should, made sure to try to live the way my parents wanted me to, didn't break any rules, and didn't take anything from anyone without paying them back. My friends from high school can probably name several instances where this was not true, but I remember feeling like this is something that I had to do and be at all times. It's no wonder I cracked from time to time and behaved like the kid I was.

I've let go of some of those things...but the one thing I've held onto is not taking anything for free. I mean, I feel REALLY guilty for it. I've never been completely comfortable with receiving gifts from friends even on my birthday, and if I have something that needs fixing for my house I'd rather hire a contractor to charge me 500 times what it would really cost than picking up the phone and asking for help. It's not true across the board (my best friend Kelly is making a quilt for me and I love that idea versus feeling guilty about it...but I made sure to pay for all of the materials and plan on sending her something really nice in return) but for the most part, it holds true.

So Friday night I'm literally having an argument with Matt and Kelly (did they even know?) about how I can't take things for free. I feel horrible that Matt is going to drive up to my place after a really hard day of work and climb downstairs into my smelly (no, I have NO idea what that smell is) basement and try to figure out what is wrong with a light receptacle. He's going to figure it out and (gasp!) maybe even fix it. And as the words, "no, no...I wouldn't want you to do that" are coming out of my mouth I'm thinking, 'What the HELL is wrong with you? This guy clearly is okay with doing it or he wouldn't offer...you don't really want to pay lots of money for a guy to come by and do it why won't you just say okay?' So I did. I said okay. Meanwhile, I'm thinking immediately of what I can do to pay him back. Do I get them a gift card to someplace special? Kelly literally owns a catering company so it's not like I'm going to make them dinner (unless they really like mac and cheese and hot dogs or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches). UGH.

I'm not posting this so either one of them will tell me to not get them something.

I'm posting this so I can realize just how silly this is. I love doing things for people without them asking and without receiving anything in return. It's that I can't understand why people would offer to do things for me without expecting anything in return. Don't they know I was a bad kid? And I know...it is crazy. So I've got to get over it. I've got to let it go and I've got to move on. It's not healthy and it's no way to live my life. And if I ever meet someone who doesn't mind the crazy that is me and actually thinks they'd like to be saddled with me for the rest of my life and we have little crazy kids of our own, I don't want to pass this on to them.

(sigh)

Tough Times

Okay, people. If you've noticed that my take on things have been absent or that I haven't been blogging as regularly, that's because you are right and I haven't wanted to face it.

At times, I want to blog about so many things at once...so many things are bouncing around in my head that I think I have almost a writer's block on how or what to write. Other times, I'm afraid of putting what I am thinking down onto my blog because: 1) I don't want to read everyone's comments about how crazy I am and b) then it will be down in print and I can't take it back.

I've been following dooce.com like a lot. And a HUGE part of me thinks that I would love to have something close to what she has. I see the good stuff in what she does and I love to laugh at her website. This morning I sat and watched her interview on Utah NOW (really? Is there so much going on in Utah that we have to capitalize NOW?). She's one brave cookie because she does write about miscarriages, about her daughter, and about tough things in life. And she writes and talks about the therapeutic part of writing...which is why I started this thing in the first place.

So, I'm telling myself that it doesn't matter if someone writes "BORING" as a comment to a blog I've posted, that it doesn't matter if someone's interest in reading my blog or me wanes because of what I put, and that it doesn't matter if people think that what I'm writing about is so weird that they back away from the computer slowly.

What matters is that I use it for what I want to use it for...and if you like it and want to come along for the ride, then great. I'm happy to skootch over and make room.

Now that's what I call random...

This morning, on my way to work, I put my iPod on random.

The songs are what came on (and no, I'm not making this up - this is not exactly the best example of the cool songs that are on my iPod):

"Hungry Like A Wolf" Duran Duran
"No Hay Igual" Nelly Furtado
"Touch of Grey" Grateful Dead *
"Goodnight and Thank you" Madonna/Antonio Banderas from the Evita Soundtrack
"Gangsta's Paradise" Coolio**
"Shut Up and Let Me Go" The Ting-Tings
"I'm My Own Grandpa" The Muppets ***
"Girlfriend" Avril Lavigne
"Crazy Love (Acoustic)" Van Morrison and Bob Dylan
"Dead Parrot Sketch" Monty Python ***
"Too Much Stereo" The Urge
"Declaration of Dependence" Steven Curtis Chapman

* This would be the only Grateful Dead song I can stand. I think it has something to do with the fact that they're dead in the video and a dog runs around with the dummer's bone in his mouth. I do like the little stoned bear that is their mascot though (he makes me want to eat gummy bears - which might be the same effect they have on stoners). Sorry, Beej.

** I didn't even know that I had this song on my iPod. Michelle Pfieffer would be proud. And if she hadn't had so much plastic surgery, I'm sure we could tell that she'd be smiling.

*** I had to skip past these this morning. 7 AM is too early to hear songs about weird potential incest from socks or a sketch about dead parrots.

My new favorite artist...

...is actually one of my older favorite artists.

Jamie Lidell. He's the guy from the Target commercial ("A Little Bit More").

Oh, and my new favorite song is "Little Bit of Feel Good" it is groovy and just swell.

My friend, the phoenix

So I've got a friend. And for you silly people in my life, pretend that I just smirked and rolled my eyes if you were thinking of retorting "Just one friend?"

Anyway, this friend has done the best job she could by being the best mom she could. I can't pretend that I know what it's like being a parent. It seems like a tough job - lots of judgement from others, lots of angst from your kids, and lots of advice from people who have no business giving you advice. Oh, and it never ends. Anyway, I'm not saying that she's the perfect mom, because there IS no perfect mom.

My friend is gifted - she writes beautifully (to my recollection, she always has) and has a lovely interest in taking pictures. And I mean of EVERYTHING. It's no surprise then, that she would clearly document the good and the troubled times in her life.

She described a feeling several times SO well in her blog that it almost took my breath away it hurt so badly. I felt horrible that she felt that way - and was also slightly scared/awed that she had somehow crawled in MY mind and was able to read the very dark thoughts that are sometimes there. She wrote about it so completely that it reminded me a side of myself I hate (and yes, I mean hate). The side that I try to keep hidden for fear that if someone actually saw that side of me they would run away screaming. I give her kudos (or mad props for you kids out there) for having the courage to bare her soul on her blog.

Unfortunately, she is also going through a tough time where she's had to hide her blog and has stopped posting almost completely for fear that someone would use those words against her. Her hiding those thoughts didn't happen quickly enough. And the the pictures and words have been used against her in her custody battle of her kids.

The thing is...I'm mad.

I'm not terribly mad at him. I can understand that he wants them as much as she wants them. Hell, when I look at their Easter pictures or pictures of them sleeping, I want them. :) I guess I'm mad at the situation. I'm mad that he's using her talent at describing something that I hope we all feel at one time or another to hurt her. And that makes me so very sad.

Can you imagine if the words that you said to your husband/wife late at night - the whispers of insecurities that SHOULD be safe in a marriage were used against you later to take away the people that matter to you? Those things should be sacred. Those things should be safe.

I know that people hurt in different ways. And I do know that he is fighting for what he feels is right - it's the way that he's doing it that is hurtful.

I'm mad. I'm mad because I can't do a thing to help the situation. I feel helpless that I have to watch my friend grow and find the strength that she's had all along to fight this. Perhaps that's best...that she realize what strength she has by herself. The picture that keeps coming to mind is of a pheonix.

I hope she doesn't mind that I posted about this. Those that read my blog and know her already know all of this. Those that don't know her have either stopped reading by now or are hoping that I'll make some poop joke/reference to lighten the mood of this blog.

It's just been in my mind and on my heart since I read her email this morning.

If you would, friends, say a prayer or hold a good thought that this tough time passes quickly? That her kids are taken care of in the best way and placed in the best situation? The judge has yet to render his verdict and I do believe in the power of prayer and positive thought. I literally hope and pray that he makes the right decision both for the long term and the short term - whatever that may be.

Oh, and POOP.

Look-a-likes

I'm not saying I *do* look like this guy, but let's just say with my new hair cut, I could look like him quite easily.

I'd hyphenate it

Last night I dreamed that I went to Boston to go see my friend Eliseo play in the Boston Symphony (which, I believe he still does). I only got to see the rehearsal, but he was playing every part... like he'd move from playing the tympani to the oboe. He was good...but it was STRANGE.

Anyway, leaving there, I happened to bump into McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey - only I didn't remember his real name in my dream). He was single in my dream and was clearly looking to date someone. And why WOULDN'T he want to date me? I mean, really.


So I gave him my number and parts of my address that I could remember in my dream. I was all...what town do I live in? Hmmm...it starts with an "a" (note: it does NOT)...I believe I wrote down Ashby thinking that I'd rather have him call than send me a signed picture from Tiger Beat magazine. And no, I don't know where a town named Ashby even IS.

So we went to his friend's apartment and he was trying to prove that it was hard to date people even though he's a celebrity. I was shocked. He sat down and got on the computer and typed his name: Derrek Fa**ot (an offensive term for gay people) in some search field on myspace - I guess to show me his profile? As he typed his name, I wasn't shocked that that was his last name - it's like I just knew that that was his name (because I couldn't remember that his name was Patrick Dempsey). But, I was disappointed. I mean, who wants that as a last name? Then I remembered thinking...well, he IS Derrek F@&&*! so really, can I pass this up?

The perfect hangover cure

Last night, I got home from my birthday bash (um...sure, it was a bash!) and let's just say needed to stay awake while drinking water.

I started watching TV and realized rather quickly that my choices of what I could watch were infomercials (no, I do NOT need a juicer!) and episodes of "Rob and Big" - something that I heard was funny but have never seen.

Okay, from what I gather, Rob is a professional skate boarder and "Big" is his bodyguard. I saw two episodes, laughed and then went to bed. Big is pretty much the straight man - not much action on his part, but he hangs out with Rob when he goes skating, etc. They must be big because in one episode EA Sports made a video game for them. Anyway, the episodes are funny. I Tivo'd the next episode because I thought I would want to watch it later.

This morning, I started watching it and laughed my butt off. OMG it was soooo funny.

Anyway, the episode is here.

Whew. Between that, the 785 gallons of water I drank, and a couple of Tylenol, I feel better.

Perfect Score

Because, if even for a short time in my life, I want to have a perfect record.

This blog makes blog #3 on day #3 in a month.

I love threes.

And I don't believe that I've ever been even in posts and days before.

But since today is my day I decided that even if it isn't blog worthy (and really, are any of my blogs not? Ahem...ahem) it'll do.

And just to show my progress, the following song came up today on random. I even listened to the whole song. Seemed appropriate.

"Older" by Colbie Caillat
Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes
Many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused
Turned around
On and on
On and on
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older

Shuffling

I'm a shuffler.

When listening to an iPod, I'm quick to change the song. Kind of like, 'Oh, I know this song! I love this song! (wait 5 seconds) Hmmm...I know how it ends...what's the next one on shuffle? OH! I don't know this song - must be on a compilation I bought. (wait 10 seconds) Hmm...I'd like to instead listen to one I know. I wonder what's next on shuffle.' I rarely ever listen to a song on my iPod all the way through. Much like someone who is hungry and eats just a little bit of everything in the house trying to find exactly what they're hungry for.

It makes the people in the car with me want to unlock the door, open it, and jump out because they're likely to want to face on coming traffic head on (literally!) than deal with my constant change of the song.

SO, with my new iPod, I'm trying to practice patience. I've heard it's a good trait and I figure I'd be a better person if I had more of it. I'm starting to listen to the songs more than halfway through. I've found that I'm listening to most of them (gasp!) UNTIL THE END.

This...this is progress. I think I'm going to call the Oprah show.

Snow Day

Today it snowed.

It was beautiful - the kind of big, fat, fluffy snowflakes that you hope for on Christmas.

But...um...it's May.

And I can't condone that craziness.

American Idol reviewed

Alright people, here is my review of the Neil songs on 'American Idol.'

Even if you didn't see it, hopefully you'll still find it funny.

Now to be fair, each candidate sang WAY better than what I could - especially given that they were doing it on national TV and in front of a live audience. AND Neil Diamond is uber cheesy...thus his extreme appeal. I don't know how these candidates could've rocked it. He's so unique that I think this would be a really hard task.

But that's why I'm not on 'American Idol' - well that and I'm too old, not trendy, and don't sing well enough. But mostly it's because I'd be afraid I'd have to make a Neil song my own.

Now on with the review!

Dread boy (whatever, I'm sure he has a name, but I don't know it): he wussed down "Forever in Blue Jeans." Hello! MONEY TALKS...but it don't dance and sing, and it don't walk!! Now, to be fair, perhaps his dreads weighed down his excitement level. They do look heavy. Your second song was better. If you went to college with me and sang that in a talent show, I would've wanted to kiss you.

Rocker guy with asymmetrical hair cut: I don't even know which songs he was singing. Hey man, sing the crap I know! Obviously, he thinks I was tuning in to see him versus hearing the songs I know. Hello! Boy was he wrong. But he did sound the best out of the contestants. He sounded pretty good - and he committed to singing it. Plus, he had "AC" on his guitar...which I can only assume was his way of saying that he appreciates me personally. Thanks Rocker Guy.

Little blondie fantastic: wow...is she cute or what? I want look just like her when I grow up... I especially want to have hair like her. But after her first number, I was thinking that maybe maybe modeling is her thing. But her second song was WAY better... her voice sounds kind of like Carly Simon. She does get lots of points for being the only one to wear sparkly pants.

Young small boy: Okay, you can sing. AND you are cheesy. But Neil is MORE than just good singing and cheesy. I can't believe you had the balls to sing 'Sweet Caroline' and 'America.' No really, you're so young, that I'm surprised they've dropped. I'll be honest, you kinda' sounded like Dan Fogelberg on the cheese factor versus COOL cheesy of Neil. But the good news is that you're what, 7 and a half years old? You have a long life in front of you. I'm sure I'll hear your songs while in elevators and dentists offices for decades to come.

Saucy black girl: you sort of sounded like Dione Warwick during 'Hello Again' but it was nice. You've got a great voice. Perhaps you pulled it off because you weren't trying to sound like Neil. But it was good...really! But how come you didn't wear shoes during either performance? And also? Your hair is so cute all afro style! As your newest friend, I think that I should help you know that you should always wear it that way.

Look, I know one person who reads this is going to think that I was mean. But really, I'm not trying to be catty - just funny.

One sparkly shirt away from destiny...

Tonight is apparently American Idol's Neil Diamond night.

I have to say - other than one bloopers type show at the beginning of the season, I have not caught an episode of American Idol.

But on the way to work when I heard that Neil was going to make an appearance, I HAD to tune in.

Oh Neil... 'Hello Again'!!!!

I hope the new kids (who weren't even alive during any of his hits I'm sure) don't MUCK it up. Because you shouldn't mess with a man in a sparkly shirt...I'm pretty sure he can F*CK you up if he wants.

Notice...

Great. The writer's strike is over. Yay.

I've been looking forward to 'The Office' and 'Grey's Anatomy' for MONTHS.

'The Office' is so very funny. I love it. Seriously, if you don't watch it, I don't know why. As in there is no excuse great enough. Last week I laughed so hard that when I was done watching it, I was smiling for the rest of the night!

'Grey's Anatomy' on the other hand...well... See, I just watched the episode from this past week. Sure, it seems like it would be good. I mean, if you watched the previews, you probably knew that a guy was mauled by a bear and his intestines spilled out of his body. That always makes for good stuff. But the first part of the show (the footage before they flashed the title) showed George in his new apartment. And there were roaches. EVERYWHERE.

The rest of the episode was good. But I swear, each time I saw George all I could think of were the roaches...and how he literally smashed one right in front of my eyes at the beginning.

Here's the thing, GA writers. You had MONTHS to come up with something good. And the best you had was roaches at the beginning? I HATE roaches! Mostly because when I was a kid, my older sister told me that roaches climb up your legs and then try to eat your eyebrows. I can think of nothing scarier than roaches dangling from my eyebrows...their little legs hitting my eyelashes. I am SO afraid of these things...it's a wonder I'm not screeching while perched precariously on my couch just having seen them on TV. It's bad enough that every time the tip of my ponytail brushes against my neck I cringe and get the eebie jeebies.

GA writers - I'm taking a page from Steven Colbert's book. You are officially on notice.

No more roaches on your show or I will tell your mom on you.

What the...

There are groups that get together in Denver - organized solely by one common denominator... they're officially called "Meetups"). Anyway, through the Great Dane Rescue, I've gotten involved with the Denver Great Dane Meetup group.

Last night there was a cook-out at a member's place. He has a little blue Great Dane puppy, named Titus. I wanted to steal him.

Anyway, we were talking about pictures, danes, and how I guess our Meetup organizer decided to advertise about the group on craigslist. Along with the verbiage about the group, she posted several pictures from the Meetup profiles. We looked at the ad, and I saw this picture.We made a LOT of jokes last night about it. Joy (the organizer) put it up on the ad because she thought it was funny.

It makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Something in the air...

The women at my work are a smelly bunch.

Our receptionist smells like "old lady" - it's like a mixture of formaldehyde and "White Shoulders." The other receptionist/assistant/file clerk/professional-National-Inquirer-reader smells like whatever scent is newest from Bath & Body Works - she's always lathering it on and mixing scents seems to be what she likes to do. Walking by her desk, I get a headache. One of the other sales people smells like cigarettes and sunflower seeds, and the only other female who works in the office (besides me) seems to smell of baby barf from time to time. The girl that helps out in the warehouse? She smells like dirty pennies.

What?!? I'm just saying.

And in case you're wondering...I, of course, always smell spring time fresh.

I love my UNIBROW! :)

Do you remember this commercial?


It is from 2006 and then again in 2007 - during Christmas time. It advertises a thing called a Garmin...but because close to the end, there is a lady with a unibrow on it, I have always called it the unibrow. Doesn't make sense? Yeah, welcome to what it's like in my head. :)

Anyway, the Garmin is a navigational tool that can direct you to exactly where you want to be. It was a gift at Christmas 2006 from my dad who wanted to make sure that his girls were safe. My little sister opted for a vacuum instead. So my older sister (who was not a huge fan of it at first) and I got one. I was so excited!

Unfortunately, mine had some sort of critical error where it would not load maps or provide any signal strength. One out of 13 times (umm...yeah, that's an accurate stat) it would work though...and that would always keep me coming back again in the hopes that it was finally working! Co-dependent, what? I was so bummed (and yes, it was like PRISON!) I learned that I could not depend on my unibrow. In the spring, I decided it would be easier to print off directions on the internet (I mean, really how archaic!) instead of hoping that it would work when I was driving. So I threw it in my glove compartment and forgot about it for six months. In the meantime, the older sister was using it like crazy. She moved to a new town and didn't have to worry about getting lost...because her unibrow works like a gem! I admit. I was jealous; after all, she was living my unibrow dream!

Anyway, I realized that by me moving into Denver proper and having no idea where the Sam Hill I am might be a problem. I finally got some tech support to work it out in December. It finally worked!

But because of my move, I had misplaced the power cord and the car charger. I threw it in the glove compartment again. :(

Two weekends ago I found the car charger. It was in a box labeled "Mary Kay" and really? Why did I not think to look there?!? Hello! Mary Kay could totally help with a unibrow. Sheesh.

Long story short (too late - I know) I've been using it since. Even for places that I'm pretty sure I do know where it is. It's fantastic! :)

It's like PRISON!

So I've started saying, "It's like PRISON!" at work...

This started a couple of months ago when I was talking about the DMV. They're not great in any state - I'm assuming. But they're especially horrible in Denver. Really. These witches think that just because you HAVE to do business (i.e. license your vehicles, show proof of insurance, etc.) with them they can treat you like poop. I made the statement that it was like prison to have to deal with them (I still stand by my comment, by the way. I mean, the similarities are disarming!).

At any rate, I've been saying it mainly because it reminds me that nothing is THAT bad. So when I start complaining about someone or something that I don't like, I have been following it up with "It's like PRISON!" or something similar just to remind myself that it really is not a big deal. Plus, it's funny to those who sit around me.

So today we had a Lunch N' Learn at work. It's where someone brings in lunch and we learn about something. Oooh, snazzy title! :) I know... you didn't see it coming. Anyway, we had this lunch and they brought in 87 feet of Subway sandwiches. Okay, really it was like 12...but there were only 9 of us. And none of us are pregnant, bulimic, or even trying to put on weight. But alas, I digress.

In my effort to slim down my womanly figure, I opted for mustard as my only condiment. I looked around for the knives and couldn't find any...so to be funny, I said, "Geez! This place doesn't even have knives. It's like PRISON!" and walked out of the room to get one from the lunchroom. As I was walking away, I heard our presenter (someone from another company) ask, "Wow. I never would've thought she had done time!"

(sigh)

What's up with the woot?

Seriously, help me out - I'm a dorky white girl...

What the heck is up with woot (or w00t)?

No really.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!?

More than half full...

Tonight I had pizza and bread sticks for dinner from a cute little Italian place around the corner.

I ate too much.

And I smell like garlic.

But hey - I have leftovers for the next couple of days.

The end.

Happy birthday, Lisa!!! :)

Today is Lisa D's birthday.

I love you, Lisa.

Thanks for all of your support and advice. It has meant the world to me. I love that crazy kid that I knew in high school, but I also love the wonderful woman you are now.

And for the record, you can send Jalyn to me anytime you need a break. We'll have red-headed fun. Just remember to poke holes in the box.

Love,
me :)

P.S. Ha ha...your initials are Lucifer Devil Satan Wonderouskingofthedarkside. If you could marry a guy who's last name starts with a B it'd be perfect...then you'd be Lucifer Devil Satan Beelzebub. Because I'd assume you'd drop the W. I mean, let's be practical here.

Better days

Alright people.

I'm back.

I stayed late on Thursday night and Friday night just to finish up voicemails, etc. on the crappy ass week. Then I came home and let the party time begin! For starters on Friday night I watched not one, but TWO Law and Order episodes before falling asleep. That's right!

Yesterday actually was fun though. I woke up at 7 am and re-arranged significant aspects of my place. I cleaned, I did laundry, and I organized...I've still got a ways to go as I don't like how it looks right now, but I'm getting there. There was a sale at one of my favorite stores, so I shopped and had a great time. I also stopped by the "Life Is Good" store and bought a t-shirt that I've been wanting for a while but haven't seen it in my size. Not even online (it is discontinued in the women's line online)! Anyway, it's a brown shirt and has this on it:


Isn't it so cute? :) When I saw it the first time I just wanted to pick it up and cuddle it saying, "Who's the cutest shirt in this store? You are! Yes you are!"

So then as I was leaving BelMar, a friend texted me and said that they were meeting for a drink in BelMar. Yay! :) A chicken sandwich and two pints of Blue Moon later and I was feeling pretty good about life.

Anyway, I've really tried to do things this weekend to completely de-stress so that my "button" is smaller this next week.

Here's to better days!

Put a fork in me...

UGH!

So I went to work today determined to make things work.

Unfortunately, my plan did not work.

I found out that another one of my large orders (over $100K) was fouled up at the factory level and I couldn't do a thing about it. I actually was griped at by people at the factory - as if it was my fault that the customer was mad. They're mad because we SWORE to them that we would have the valves shipped out on or before the 15th. In case you haven't checked the calendar lately, it's now the 17th. And surprise, surprise! The customer isn't thrilled that they won't ship out until next week.

Then we had a meeting where we were told that our bonus structure was changing, our base salary was changing, and oh-by the way, we're not likely to get anything over a 2.5% raise each year. Oh and also? You're not going to move up in the company any time soon. Now go out there and get some more orders!

I got back to my desk and found that Mr. 1953 had emailed almost everyone at the factory, myself, my boss, my boss' boss, my boss' boss' boss, and also the outside sales rep's boss. He completely threw me under the bus indicating that I was not doing anything to help him, that I wasn't returning his phone calls, and asked if I was going to get back to him "anytime before [he] retires in 4 years." Cool. Nevermind that I sent the information that he wanted yesterday morning. Oh, and when I talked to him yesterday and mentioned the information that he wanted, he didn't mention that he didn't receive the email. The thing that sucks is that I can't even defend myself at this point because he's still the freakin' customer. So I went into my boss' office and started to calmly tell him that what he was about to read in an email was completely false. I was so mad that I started crying AGAIN! He made some sort of comment (which I now do not recall the specific words) about how I was being a girl. He's the guy that doesn't stand up for anything or anyone. I mean, why make waves when you can just placate people? So he proceeded to call the Regional Product Manager and asked him to handle this situation for me, since it appeared to be too much. Fantastic. Right on the heels of me realizing that someone else in our office will be promoted much quicker than me and that any promotions or raises we'll have are completely subjective. It's not that I couldn't handle it (I know, all evidence to the contrary) but it's that I was so mad! I have been staying late and have ended up slowing my response time to other significant customers because I have been so concerned about his situation. And to have him blatantly lie about what I have been doing was so unbelievably sucky!

I ended up sending an email to everyone that was cc'd on Mr. 1953's email to me and explained that I had just talked to him and that I confirmed that he had received the quote via phone. I then literally typed, "I did not discuss the gross inaccuracies from his email because I realize it will not help resolve his problems with the valves."

I then checked my personal email only to see that I got another reject letter from CAT. So I started crying AGAIN. My boss walked by and literally said, "Oh my gosh. Are you STILL crying?"

Um...yeah. This liquid pouring out of my eyes? It means I'm still crying. And in case you don't know anything about women, bringing their attention to the fact that they're being emotional doesn't exactly help them feel less emotional. But thanks.

So I got in the car, called a couple of people and then sat in the Sonic parking lot and bawled my swollen eyes out to the one friend who actually knows about the company that I work for and the stress that I've been under. He helped - as he always has - and I felt better.

I feel like one of those stupid carnival games - the one with the dunking booth? Usually my button/trigger/lever thingie is small - and the people throwing softballs at me have to stand way back. Sometimes they hit the button which would trigger hurting my feelings. It doesn't happen often. But these days I feel like my button is HUGE and the people throwing balls at me get to stand right in front of it. It's almost guaranteed that I'll over-react and become a crying wreck. And no. I'm not pregnant. And just in case anyone's thinking it, "I like big buttons and I cannot lie..." See, I beat you to making fun of my stupid button analogy.

The day did get better. I saw an email from my outside sales rep's boss that said something along the line of "that you didn't discuss the gross inaccuracies demonstrates your professionalism. Keep up the good work." It made me feel SO much better.

And despite me not having a drop of makeup on my skin (after crying it off) no one ran away screaming at my appearance either. At this point, I'm taking that as a good thing.

Ugh!

One year ago today I started working as an engineer for Tyco. One year ago today I barely knew what the heck valves and actuators were...and today I realized just how far I've come.

How did I celebrate the day? With clowns? With balloons?

Umm...no.

I cried. AT WORK.

What am I? Five years old?

I talked with one of our customers who was absolutely SO mean, degrading, and hateful that I got mad. He literally was yelling at me. I then called one of the people at the factory and she started yelling at me. And seriously folks, I had nothing to do with the problem - I was just helping. But because my outside sales rep is on vacation, I'm the one that had to do double duty...and therefore the one that got yelled at multiple times. The customer literally kept cutting me off and finally asked if he could speak to a MAN at our facility who might know more than me. Ummm... Are you kidding me? Is this 1953? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!!?!? Hey guess what buddy? If you'd shut your freakin' mouth for 10 seconds and let me talk, you might find out that I do know what I'm talking about. The thing is, I am actually the right person for him to talk to about this. I don't know tons about the product, but as far as people in our office, I do know more than the others about this particular valve. It was just so degrading, insulting, and frustrating. It was like the creamy crap layer in my shit cake day.

And the only way that the stress came out was by crying. I was that mad. I would've gone outside to walk some of it off, but I forgot my coat and at that time the temperature outside was in the 40s. Thank goodness no one noticed me crying at my desk, but oh my gosh! The day continued to get worse...really. One call after another - I literally sent almost 100 emails and had so many phone calls I didn't get a tenth done of what I should have. I ended up driving home more than 12 hours after I left for work this morning...IN A SNOWSTORM (seriously, yesterday it was 82...today on the way home it was 32 and snowing).

UGH!

I do like my job. Really...but today I was wondering what the Sam Hill I'm doing.

I also stuck my big fat foot in my mouth by inviting my ex (yes, Jon - the one from last year) to my birthday bash in a couple of weeks. I felt horrible. He knew about it ahead of time and I invited him...but only by stumbling through the invite regarding who he might or might not be dating. I'm okay if he comes (we still share many joint friends) but I just don't want to see someone hanging all over him. It'd be weird. Seriously, I'm sure that I made enough of a fool out of myself that he won't come (and honestly, that's the way I'd prefer it) but it was such an awkward situation that I caved and invited him. And really? He is SO consumed by what others think about him that he's likely to not attend because my friends will be there...and yikes, that's several sets of cold shoulders. What can I say? I've got loyal friends. :) But I swear I SO do not want to see him and anyone he's dating playing kissy face all night (no, he's not dating the one that he cheated on me with, but STILL!). Like I've said before, I'd love for him to be happy...I just want to be happy first. :)

I know that my frustration and stress has a lot to do with the fact that I've been feeling so off kilter lately. I've got some friends that are going through some serious stuff and I'm worrying about them. In fact, I was on the phone with a good friend of mine last night until midnight - and I can't stop worrying about that. I hate to see people that I love and care about hurting. If I could do anything to take away the pain, frustration, and sadness I would. But I can't. I can't help at all. :( The good news is that I found out that another friend's lump in her breast is not cancerous...what a relief! Anyway, instead of going to sleep, I read until 3 am.

I'm sure that contributed to why I was so emotional today.

But honestly, I'm just tired and stressed and...well...UGH!

It's 8:30 and although there are things that I clearly need to do tonight, I think I'm just going to read a bit more and go to bed.

Tomorrow has got to be better, right?

To be honest, there was a good thing that happened today. I'll post on it later for two reasons...one, it's a bit soon to blog about it and two, I'm just so damn tired.

Sad faces

UGH!


What you need to know is that work has SUCKED the big one in the last couple of days. Problem after problem has come up - some my doing, some not so much.


So yesterday, after a particularly rough day, I was looking forward to going home, vegging out on the way home (listening to some groovy tunes on my iPod). I usually put it on shuffle - so I can be surprised about which of the 3000 songs come up.


I pushed the button to go past that particular song and my iPod froze up. No big deal. I'll just re-set it.
But then, the SAD MAC FACE came up on it. :(
<---for those that don't know. This is the actual picture that shows up on the iPod. :(

I hate the sad Mac face. :( It makes ME sad.


I'll try to reconfigure the iPod tonight (I had to do this once a couple of months ago), but really? How many more sad faces will it be before it dies for sure? It's not really that big of a deal seeing as how this iPod is several years old and I listen to the thing most days at work and on the way to and from work. What I'm saying is that I've gotten my money's worth.


But it IS sad.


And in the meantime I have to listen to CDs. You remember those...those little, flat, round shiny things?

UGH.


It feels like PRISON!

Manic Monday...

Since technically it is now Monday, I can officially say that today (more importantly tonight) I'm going to TRY to be good.

I'm going to be very busy tonight.

I have NO clue how to accomplish that. But I will come up with a plan to keep me busy.

Perhaps I shall rent a movie, practice paddle shifting on the Mini, go for a bike ride (if it's a nice day), or even work on my taxes (relax, I filed an extension). Maybe I'll make a new friend and we'll play Mad Libs. Hey, it could happen!

I just need diversions tonight...because I can tell, I will probably have no willpower. Especially since I was looking forward to tonight.

(sigh)

Delayed gratification? Yeah, not a big fan.

I've lost my touch...

There was another game night last night.

The night started out well when Kelly and Matt took me out to show me how to drive my car. :) I have paddle shifters on my steering wheel and I didn't know how to use them...and was afraid of breaking my car while trying to find out. So, a couple of weeks ago while at the Auto Show, Kelly volunteered Matt to teach me. They both were patient and now I know how to rock it in my car.

People, I'm not good at a lot of things...but typically I do well as a teammate or a participant in board games. Last night - after some 4 hours of Apples to Apples, I realized that I had only gotten ONE apple card.

That might be explained by the fact that I played Sour Apples when everyone else was playing the regular way because it was funnier. It might also be that Kelly has magical powers that she was exerting over all of us as she was able to get cards from almost everyone in one round (admit it Kelly...have you and Matt been practicing since the last game night??). Or maybe I was distracted by all the shiny objects in the room.

(sigh)

The best thing about the night was obviously hanging out with everyone. :) Yadda yadda yadda it was a good night after all.

The end.

Who knows what could happen?

This made me laugh just thinking about it tonight - so I decided to post about it.

This past weekend I was in Dallas...we stayed at the beautiful, wonderful, fantastic hotel - the LaQuinta of Grand Prairie. Okay...who am I kidding? It was kind of a dive. BUT they had waffle makers that made waffles in the shape of Texas. And really, isn't that more important?

Anyway, as I was checking out on Sunday morning, I noticed that there was a sign on the front desk. It said:

Put your business card in the fishbowl.

Who knows what could happen?

You could win a free night's stay!!!

Um... Yeah. I'm guessing I know what could happen now. I could win a free night's stay! Am I right? :)

My wedding plans...

I've been getting sick this week and even my best attempts to ward it off with Echinacea and garlic pills are not working. So I went to bed around 8:20 last night. YAY! :)

Last night I had several weird dreams (I'm sure it had nothing to do with the NyQuill that I took)...one of which was of my wedding. It wasn't one of those dreams where all you have are horrible nightmares of what goes wrong (although if I ever DO get married I'm sure that I'll have those leading up to it).

But the exciting thing is that apparently the dog that we had when I was a kid (a Doberman named Lear) will be there.

That'll be good. I haven't seen her in decades. :)

Darts

Today I was feeling a little frumpy so I decided that I'd wear a cute skirt, shirt, and my Mary Janes. Typically wearing a skirt is a no-no at work because of the amount of time that we have to spend in the shop each day. But today, I'm a rebel. Some days I'm like that. :)

The good news is my skirt is a size or two too big.

Call me McGyver...I secured the excess fabric via a safety pin so I don't moon people at work with my skirt slowly working it's way down. Plus, since I'm wearing a longer shirt so it covers up the bunching that happened. No one can know. :) I'm McGyver AND Columbo.

At any rate, one of our receptionists commented on my cute skirt and my ever so SLOWLY shrinking body. I, for reasons I'm not even sure of, showed her my waist where the extra material is gathered on the side.

Our other receptionist was SHOCKED that I would secure my wardrobe with a safety pin. She told me it would so much simpler to just put darts in my clothing.

I was all, Who do you think I am? I don't sew things. She asked if I had a sewing machine. WHAT? No. I'm not that person. I aspire to be that person - the one that makes my kids clothes or Halloween costumes...but really? Not so much now.

Apparently for me, safety pins work JUST fine.

Laffy Taffy = hope? :)

Remember that candy, Laffy Taffy? It's the one that has a taffy-like substance in the wrapper in various flavors. On the outside of the wrapper there are jokes. Written by kids, submitted by kids, and probably printed on a printing machine run by kids.

Lance keeps these stocked at his desk for people. Personally I keep Jolly Ranchers, but hey, what is the company I work for other than a melting pot of candy concoctions? :)

Anyway, yesterday these were the "jokes" on mine: What kind of cat likes water? An octo-puss.

The last one on the wrapper said this: What kind of ship never sinks? Friendship.

Oh... Laffy Taffy. I hope you're right.

Flipped

This morning I flew from Tucson to Dallas.  I mis-remembered my flight time...which was actually a good thing since I was sluggish getting ready this morning anyway.  So with my extra time, I decided to go up to the gate and ask if there were any exit row seats available.

I stood in the little roped off line area so that I could wait for the person in front of me (a 90 year old man) to finish his business with the flight attendant/checker-in-er. :)  It was hard not to overhear their conversation...and as I waited, I found that this was the situation.  The guy was flying from someplace else to Tucson to Dallas and then on to LaGuardia.  Since our flight was going to be delayed, he was going to get in to Dallas too late to get to his connection.  He was concerned because he didn't know if someone was going to pick him up at the airport.  She wanted to confirm him on a later flight...but he never gave the okay to do so because he didn't understand what was happening... or at least didn't clearly understand.

Now, this guy was really worried.  He clearly was concerned and kept saying "I don't know what to do.  I've never been in this situation before."  The American Airlines rep wasn't exactly explaining things clearly and at one point he said, "Maybe I should just not travel because I'm 90 and I'm too old."  She replied that no, that wasn't the case, but I could tell that they were just not communicating.  So I stepped up and asked if I could help - I had a cell phone and a laptop and could call the car company of whomever was supposed to pick him up.  If she didn't have the number, I could look up the name on my laptop but that The stewardess was not happy that I volunteered and indicated that she had tried everything.  

The man said, "I just don't understand why this is happening.  I don't know what to do - I've never been in this situation before and I guess I'm scared."  Long story short, the woman realized that she had to do something and called the number to the travel agency herself.  She confirmed everything back to him and he said, "thanks so much.  Sometimes I'm neurotic and when I get stressed, I just flip!"  He shuffled off to his seat and was pleased - feeling that all was right with the world because he knew what the plan was.  

I'm sure you're wondering what the point of this is.

First, it made me wonder what the heck I'll be faced with when I'm 90.  I don't know what will be going on, but I'm sure I'll be worried too.

Secondly, I found his conversation with the stewardess to be so parallel to my life at times.  Sometimes I find myself totally scared - not knowing what to do, but knowing that I can't stay where I'm at.  I feel alone.  I've never been in that situation before, I don't understand why something is happening, and I don't know what to do.  I get neurotic...and I want to "flip. "

I realized that just because I haven't been in this situation before doesn't mean that there is not a solution out there.  It doesn't mean that no one can help - and it doesn't mean that people don't want to help.  If I can calm myself, breathe, talk to someone who I know wants to help, or even just realize that it will all be okay then it just might be okay.  Just because I don't have the answers that moment, doesn't mean that answers won't present themselves.  Just because the answer is right there with people trying to help me doesn't mean that if I don't realize it, that opportunity is gone for forever.

It was such a human moment... and for some reason, has really stuck with me today.

Just call me Annie Oakley!

Dear friends, so sorry I haven't written in a while. After Sunday's bout with a restless night (full of nightmares that I had been kidnapped), I slept like a dog, rug, rock, or other object on Monday night... This left me to do all of my packing for the trip to Tucson for business (flight left Wednesday morning) on Tuesday night. Which, if you know me well, you know I did not do. I'm horrible about packing - I don't do it until the day of...even if my flight is leaving at the crack of dawn.

Anyway, yesterday I woke up at 4 am to do said packing, dropped the pooch off at a boarding place, drove to the airport, ended up parking MUCH farther away than what I thought, stood in line for an hour to get my tickets (seriously? It's a Wednesday morning), stood in line for almost an hour to get frisked by the TSA agents, and walked to my gate which was the most remote section of B-gate...so remote that it was a little add-on that I didn't know the airport HAD. I got there in just enough time to board the plane. Oh - wait, I did go to the bookshop and bought a new book. No, I'm not done reading "Eat, Pray, Love" but since it seems to help me at the weirdest times, I kinda' want to draw that book out. And I also brought the book that my mom and I are reading "A New Earth: Discovering Your Life's Purpose" which in my opinion so far is a bunch of hooey.

I get to Tucson, get picked up by Dave, the outside sales rep that I'll be traveling with, and we wait for my bags. We wait and wait and wait. Until finally some guy comes up to me and asks my last name. Upon giving my answer, he immediately says "yeah, your bag is not coming." I considered crying, screaming, throwing the small Asian person that was standing next to me, but since I had the audience of Dave, decided to react like an adult and sighed instead. The thing is that we would be traveling around and I would actually end up staying in a small town two hours outside of Tucson. He assured me that there was a good possibility that it would arrive that night.

Dave and I start driving and I have to stop here and say kudos for me for not falling asleep. I am horrible about that - I mean, my parents would put me in a car when I was a kid and drive around if they couldn't get me to sleep. Yes, it's almost as if I am watching a movie at home. There were a couple of times that I ALMOST fell asleep, but luckily I was able to hold it together.

Donned with a hard hat and safety glasses (man, I looked H-O-T!) we went to the mines. It was good...but definitely boring (can you TELL I need to be in a different job?). We went back to the hotel and Dave said, "Why don't we squeeze off a couple?" Uh, what? Flashes of all the things that he *could* mean went through my head. None of them sounded like a good idea. But it turns out he meant that we could shoot guns. LONG story short, we'd had several conversations about this because this is something he enjoys and something I've never done. We drove to a very remote part of the desert (wasn't too hard...Safford, AZ is TINY!) and after he gave me a short lesson, we started shooting at plastic bottles. The first clip (i.e. the sliding thingy that you see people shove into the bottom of their guns - it holds 10 bullets), I hit the bottles FOUR times! Woohoo! I shot two more rounds and Dave said that I did well. YAY! It was a lot more fun than what I thought it was.

We went to dinner with two of his old friends from high school and then we went back to the hotel and I found that my luggage was there. I've never been so happy not to shop at Wal-Mart in my entire life. :)

Here we go again...

I'm up.

And I should be sleeping.  Because in 5 and 1/2 hours I need to be up.

I have a busy week this week - and I actually had a pretty great day all things considered.  But I have a lot of stuff to do before going to bed.

I should feel satisfied.  I should feel like I've done enough today to warrant the reward of a fitful sleep.

  

But I don't feel that way right now.  Because going to bed means that I have to drift off to sleep and just before I get to sleep is when I am alone with my thoughts.  Going to bed means that I have to acknowledge the end of a day that wasn't as complete as what I'd like.  Going to bed means that I have to make tomorrow the third day on a trend that is inevitable.

(sigh)

"Who Needs Sleep?" by Barenaked Ladies

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she's three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found
With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Hala Hala Hala

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

[Repeat]

Beware....

I just let Chassis outside and didn't even make it out of the kitchen before I heard her barking.

My dog typically does not bark.  And when she does it's usually very hesitant...like "w...w....w....woof!"  So her barking caused me to look outside especially because she was pointing towards the neighbors that typically aren't there.

THIS is what is so scary.

If you can't tell from the photo, the red/orange thing is a top of a ladder.  

Please people - be aware.  They could be anywhere!

The photo of Chassis outside was taken right after I took the one of the ladder...she continued to bark at it even after I went over to it and started touching it - I literally tried to hug the ladder so she would know it was safe.  Apparently, you never can be too sure. :)

Just like Lance...only not

So, I've been promising that I would blog on my biking adventures...and so I will. :)

First, I bought the bike on Monday...and was excited about the purchase.  The quick ride on the paths by the bike shop helped me feel VERY excited about being able to get it home.  Sure, I had to take off the front wheel to get it in my MINI, and sure, I ended up scratching the inside of said MINI's C-pillar, but it's worth it, right?  

During lunch on Tuesday, I went to a different place where my co-worker swears they have great deals on biking accessories.  I walked out of there with a helmet (that actually allows ponytails through the straps!), a floor pump (complete with pressure gauge), as well as a couple other choice items that would make me safe and happy while riding said bike.  What I can say is that technology has changed quite a bit since I rode them two decades ago.  Grip shifters are now the thing - which makes them LOOK like bikes from our childhood but with the functionality of the 10 speeds.  And they shift so easily!  Remember that I said this, dear friends...it will come in handy later.  Oh, and the seats are more comfortable.*

Tuesday after work I rushed home to ride the bike.  I got on the joggabra (please, sometimes this is a workout in itself), set up everything (including my new iTunes playlist called "bike"), and set out - ready to ride to the huge REI that is by my place.  REI has many bike trails around it and according to my co-worker, I should be able to bike around there without a problem.  Sounds great... right?  Yeah, only not so much.

See, the problem with biking at REI is that you have to GET to REI.  Which means I have to (and sorry for those outside of Denver) bike down Zuni - across 29th (which turns into 15th), down the steep hill to REI.  

I start my biking with optimism.  I mean, there is a steady stream of "Whoa there!" going through my mind, but that's likely to fade, right?  Besides, Van Morrison's "Jackie Wilson Said" is streaming through my headphones...fun, upbeat...what can go wrong?

I realized as I was riding down there that I wasn't pedaling hardly at all...thus the return trip would be filled with not so much fun bouts of panting and cursing.  I decided that since I would be a hazard to....well...anyone around me that I should stick to the sidewalks.  Then I thought, "do people ride bikes on the sidewalks?"  I don't know.  Hell, when I'm in a car I barely pay attention to what the other cars on the road are doing let alone documenting if bikers are on the sidewalks or the streets.  Clearly, I'm too busy enjoying the baseline of "Gloria" to care.

Okay, so I'm on the sidewalk and I get to my first red light.  No problem.  I get off my seat (straddling my bike) and wait for the light to turn green so I can cross across 29th.  It does.  And I'm not kidding you EVERYONE in their cars at the light turns to look at me.  No pressure.  

So I get on the bike and I start pedaling.  Only I forgot that I put it in a much higher gear before stopping at the light.  I swear, I must've looked like a monkey trying to cross that street because I was pedaling SO hard while almost weaving.  I'm sure the people thought that I was going to swerve into their cars - I couldn't get enough momentum to ride straight!  I couldn't figure out the gear shifters in enough time to recover.  Just when the momentum started getting up there, I realized I was coming to the end of the street...and I started looking frantically for the ramp UP to the sidewalk.  No ramp.  The mantra of "Whoa there" changed quickly to "Oh SHIT!!!" over and over in my mind.  I can't jump the curb, I mean, who am I? Tony Hawk?  So I instead tried to jump off my bike only that didn't work and I almost wiped out.  I swear I heard the people in the cars laughing.  I can't blame them.  I would've too.  

So now I'm on 29th, on a road I've literally never even walked, and I notice that apparently this is where concrete demolition training must be held in the daytime.  There is not a straight path anywhere.  Jagged pieces of concrete are sticking out of the ground, cones litter the sidewalks, and are potholes (are they called potholes when they're on sidewalks?) the size of monster truck tires everywhere.  I have no choice other than to try to navigate my way over the smoothest bumps.  This is the only part of this blog where Lance Armstrong and I have any similarity because I'm not sure I can conceive children now after going over some of the terrain.  

Okay - I am officially now on 15th.  And I realize that the very steep sidewalk that I'm on is leading me along store front properties.  My mantra of "Oh SHIT!" has just changed to "Please God, don't let someone come out of those stores" because really?  There is no way I could avoid hitting them.  I end up going over an overpass - just me, on the sidewalk...where one side is 4-6 lanes of very busy rush hour traffic.  The other?  SPEEDING cars on 1-25 (hence, the overpass).  Fun...no pressure here.  I round the corner to get towards REI parking and note that a guy is waiting for the bus.  IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK.  Where is my sumo horn now?  He looks at me, must've seen the terror in my face, and wisely backs into the grass out of harm's way.  Over my headphones "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen is playing.  

I get to REI...but the battle to find the bike paths has only just begun.  

I'm finally able to locate said paths and start cruising down the path.  Sure, it took a lot of work to get here, but now that I'm done with that part, I can just enjoy this.  Right? 

No. 

Because it's now 6:30 in the evening.  The sun is setting along the Platte River and thus a time when any and all gnats must form in HUGE clouds all along the bike path.   I've discovered that I don't like the feeling of gnats hitting my face.  Also not a big fan of the taste of them.  The worst is when they get behind my sunglasses.  

Please, kind readers, take the time to picture what I look like if you were coming up the path to me on your bike.  I'm this big woman on a cute bike whose helmet is slightly askew.  I'm panting, I'm spitting out insects from the last cloud of gnats, only to cruise into a new swarm.  Me shaking my head like a crazy person means my torso shakes as well.  And like that stupid bone song from when we were kids says, if my torso is shaking, you know my arms are shaking.  This does wonders for my already floundering stability and I start wobbling on the bike.  Those grip shifters I mentioned earlier?  Yeah, well they do allow you to shift gears with the slightest turn of your grips... So my wobbling makes me want to grip tighter...and thereby I'm changing gears quickly.  I swear, during the 4,328 clouds of gnats, I almost hit two dogs, a group of 10 bikers clad in spandex, a family with the most Arian looking children ever, an old man who was running seemingly in place, a homeless person, and what looked like a raccoon.

That return trip?  It was just the way I thought it would be.  Full of panting, sweating, and finally the feel of success as I arrived home.

I've been out a couple of times since then and in some ways it's gotten better.  I'm dedicated to keep at it - and I hope that at some point it will get easier and I'll have figured out a better route to bike paths that are low on the gnat-meter.

*comfortable is a relative term.  Seriously, the seats have gotten bigger in the last 20 years.  Unfortunately, so has my ass.

Happy Birthday, Rachel!! :)

Today is my older sister's birthday. The big 3-5!!

And as an extra bonus to the presents she'll receive when I see her a week from today, I promise to send her the pictures from our trip to Mexico over MLK weekend.

Sorry for not sending them sooner....Sometimes I suck like that.

But I've picked out two pictures of us from that trip as the sun was starting to set on that Saturday night.

Once I figure out how to get my scanner in working order, I'll post some cute pictures of us as kids. And then you'll really be embarrassed.

Until then, know that I do love you and that I hope this year is your best year yet!!! :)

All the voices in your head.....calling Gloria!

I sang "Gloria" by Laura Branigan (btw, what kind of pop star name is that anyway?!??!) at the top of my lungs on the way home from work today.  I mean, I rocked it out.  I was two legwarmers and a headband away from kickin' it old school.

For the record, there *is* a good baseline when she starts signing "And you really don't remember..."  Not like Flea good...but like 80's good. :)

But it helped me know that I'm a dork....as if I needed reminding!

The end.

P.S.  What do you think?  Best blog ever??!?! :)  Hey, at least I wrote something....

It's more of a coral...

Alright, I wasn't honest with you.

On Sunday when I was writing about a new hobby I didn't write about the one that I have been thinking about for a couple of months. Biking.

Yes, I know - I have the physique of a cyclist. I get that all the time. :) But really, it seems fun, it'd be something to help me be healthier, and it'd be a great stress reliever.

So yesterday, my boss, Larry, and I went to Treads here in town and looked at the bikes. All during work, I checked out reviews and figured out the best bike for me, at this time. After work, I went back, test drove one, and bought it. It's so cute! :) I put the box around the part of the frame that helps show the detailing.
I'm not sure if you can see from the pictures, but it's a Trek Women's bike. It's a cross bike - good for riding on bike paths or a little bit of brush. It's technically "light salmon" but it looks like more of a retro orange. Not too wild about the color, but in this brand/level there was either this color or white. And I didn't want white. A friend asked if it was coral...and I'd have to say, yes...it's coral (that's my middle name for those who don't know). :)

I did ride it around yesterday -the bike shop had a bunch of bike paths next to it - so I took it out for about 30 minutes yesterday before I bought it. After a slight freak out that I would crash and go over my handlebars, I got the hang of it again and was riding like the cool person I am. :) Really, it was so much fun. It's amazing how many fun memories it brought back...I really truly enjoyed it far more than I thought I would. :)

And for the ladies out there, I will say that there have been SO many advances in bikes since I was a kid. I think the last time I was on a bike was in 8th or 9th grade when Jill and I rode to 7-11. For the record, she is the one that stole the map. So yeah, almost 20 years later and I'm on a bike again. They change gears SO smoothly and are much more comfortable for women than what they used to be. The seat? MUCH better. :)

Now all that's left is the horn. :) This is the one that I do want. It's not retro, but look how FUN it is. :)

And for those that like to know, after I got it out of my MINI (yes, it fits inside, you just have to take the front wheel off...and I have quick release wheels) and put it together and brought it inside the house, Chassis was TERRIFIED of it. She wouldn't go anywhere near it. I put it in my kitchen, next to the door and it took me giving her treats just to get her outside. And even then, as she got closer, she'd just BOLT out the door or in the door. So we both have some adjustments to make to the bike. :)

The crazy cat lady = me?

Alright.

Here's the thing. I'm picky when it comes to dating. I like to think of it as decisive, but it's probably just being picky.

I've dated someone long term (3 months or longer) only 6 times in my life. Yikes! That is sad. But I think the reason of why that is is because I know rather quickly that it's either going to work or it just isn't. I could recount the gory details of all of my bad dates, but honestly, most of you know about them anyway, so it would just be re-reading stuff you already read on myspace. For those that don't, the worst two first dates with guys ended with two different questions. One was "So are we going to make out, or what?" and the other was "Let me guess...double D's - am I right?" Surprisingly, neither one of these guys were the ones I dated for over 3 months! :)

Remember this post? Yeah, well, let's just say the results of the blind date were less than pleasant. Gerry (as I found out he spells his name) was kind of cute...but told me within the first 15 minutes of our date that he knew how to get his hands on 1 million dollars and bragged about all of the properties around my house that he fixed and then flipped. He was shorter than me, looked significantly older than me, and helped me realize that my friends Mel and Chad have no clue who I am. :) We had small talk for about 15 minutes, and after that proceeded to argue about politics for the next two hours. Our argument used to be full of things that actually had good points to them, but ended almost with us just talking over each other. Now, I love me a good debate, but this was a bit over the top. We were arguing so much that the people at the tables on either side of us also started arguing. At the end of the date, he asked me two questions, "So if I call, are you going to answer the phone?" To which I answered, "probably not." Then he asked, "If we go out again, are you going to be nicer?" I thought about it for a couple of seconds and then I simply answered, "No." Now I can say that I wasn't MEAN on the date, but because I didn't really care how it ended, I wasn't trying to impress him. Because he seems like someone that is constantly trying to impress others, I think this excited him. It took 2 weeks for him to stop calling.

The next set up I had was with Sarah's cousin. She tried to get us in the same place several different nights, but the night before the Superbowl is when we finally met. And he DID seem like a nice guy...but the chemistry just wasn't there.

I'm sure you all have heard that old saying that guys are like parking spaces? Well, I'd like to think that that is not true...unfortunately, I don't have anything to back my idea up. I met with a friend of mine today who encouraged me to try online dating. Yeah, well, I went to match.com at her place. We set up my profile (I'll probably post it on here for a good laugh for you guys) and started looking at guys. But UGH it seemed like SO MUCH WORK! I know...from what you all told me marriage is work. But really? I don't want to try to weed through 200 guys, figure out which ones want to communicate, and then meet them in person only to find out that there is NO love connection. It just seems like a lot of wasted time, a lot of unreal expectations, a roller-coaster of emotions, and ultimately a huge let down. The worst is that look that is on someone else's face when you can tell that they just don't get you.

(sigh)

I'm not a big fan of that look. Unfortunately, I get it often. :)

But I know that there doesn't seem to be another option either. I feel like I need to get out - I need to try new things, need to meet other people. I have come to realize that a sense of humor is probably the thing that I find attractive over all else. I mean, there has to be other things...several other things, but I really just want to laugh a lot. I figure life is tough enough - you might as well have someone to help you laugh through it.

Maybe me being completely exhausted by the thought of going through all those profiles was a tip that I'm just not ready yet. The guy from Reno was so delightfully funny and fantastic that that is what I want to have...well, something like that. You know - something so unexpectedly fun where you connect on multiple levels - best of all, on that basic undeniably pure level. I want someone like him... only single. :) The good news is that now that I know that someone like that *can* exist, I'm happy.

I just don't want to live my life waiting... because then I *will* be that lady that lives in the house on the corner with 85 million cats. And I'm mildly allergic to cats...so really 85 million may just kill me. Plus, the ASPCA will constantly be at my door, trying to get me to give some of them away. I'll be that crazy lady in a stained wife beater (without a bra on) trying to set humane traps for my cats on a reality TV show on Animal Planet.

I think that's why I feel so in limbo (no, not the stuff about the cats...the other stuff!).

I don't really have a career to speak of, I'm trying not to get attached to anything here because I'm hoping to move, and I'm not really even interested in dating anyone because now that I know that somebody awesome could be out there I don't want to waste my time with the duds.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

My Easter weekend

I've been doing nothing all weekend. :)  And it's been great.  In fact, it's been decadent. :)

Friday night, I went to church (at my old church in Highlands Ranch) and then hung out with some friends afterwards.  These people are pretty cool - and if I ever leave this place, I will miss them for sure.  I never know how I'm going to feel after a Good Friday service - so I actually wasn't even sure that I would want to hang out.  But we did.  We had fun and because I was at the end of the table with the Storys I laughed a lot.  And no, I'm not sucking up just because Matt and Kelly might start reading my blog. :)

Yesterday, I pretty much just did stuff around the house - they typical laundry, chores, etc.  I watched a couple of shows on TV, but other than that, I really didn't do much.  I did get to talk to my sisters last night, which was a little bittersweet.  This is the first Easter in years where I haven't gone home to be with my family.  And I missed them.  But I also know that saving my vacation days for times when I might want an interview is smart too. 

I started reading another book (because the two that I've already started clearly weren't enough)..."One Last Scream."  Anyway, it is CREEPY!  I think I said before that scary movies absolutely creep me out.  This book, which I started reading last night, is about a girl who has black-outs and she thinks that she's murdering everyone around her.  AGH!  I stayed up last night until three and had nightmares all night long about it.   I was so scared!   I get into books and movies apparently...well, that is if I don't fall asleep while watching the movies. :)  It's just that I have a vivid imagination.  Like last night, I was wondering what that would be like - like what if I was remembering lots of things that had happened, but they really didn't?  AGH!  SO frickin' creepy!  I remember watching the movie, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (with Pee-wee Herman :)) and there is a scene where Luke Perry is drunk on a cliff or something.  Anyway, his friend who just turned into a vampire floated up right next to him.  That scene creeped me out for a long time afterwards.  I didn't want to be by anything that had a big drop off next to it for fear that something would rise up and talk to me.  It's like I could picture it and I'd get so creeped out that I'd have to try to remember that it was ME creeping myself out.  And really?  That movie wasn't even kind of scary....AND I was a teenager - clearly old enough to know better!

Honestly, a couple of years ago I was watching a scary movie that I had Tivo'd and I had to watch it in segments.  Like when I got scared, I had to turn it off and then do something else around the house.  Anyway, I just finished the book and my heart was pounding until the end of the thing.  So yeah, just in case you're wondering...I am a dork. :)

I also have figured out that I need a new hobby.  Something to get my mind off of the feeling that I've got nothing going on in my life right now.  Because I do want to move, I don't really want to start anything new...just to quit it later.  But I have seriously got to do something with my extra time.  I've been in this constant state of flux the last year.   A year ago I was interviewing with Tyco, then leaving my job at GM, then putting my house up on the market, then breaking up with Jon, then accepting an offer on the house, then trying to find a new place, then packing up my old place, closing on both places, moving, and then came Christmas, trips to Mexico and Reno, and figuring out that I do want to move from here and change my life again.  It's no wonder that I'm feeling a little tentative about what comes next.  But since I do have a lot of extra time on my hands (the commute is SO much better since the move), I need a new diversion or hobby.  I want whatever I pick to be a good stress reliever and something that will help me be healthier.  

Yeesh - I just read through this and realized that this may be the stupidest post I've written in a while.  Matt and Kelly, please don't judge my blog based on this lame post. :)  I'll be funnier again, I promise. :)

The Boulder Trip Pictures

So, I realized that I didn't post the pictures from my trip to Boulder a while back.

We were driving not too far from my house and happened to see this huge gorilla on the side of the road... who could resist posing next to it? :)

Next we actually went to Boulder and ate at a great place called BJs. :)  Two glasses of wine later and this seemed like a great idea.  I'm the one taking the picture, so you can't really see my face, but I was doing it!  I promise!

We decided to window shop, go to an all natural beauty products shop (no razors there!) and just had a fun time walking around.  We saw this cool statue of a woman on a swing.  Apparently, I was still feeling the wine. :)  What can I say?  We were in a silly mood.

Lastly, we went to a hat stand...

And then this guy wanted to have his picture taken with us.  Can you blame him?  I mean, look how hot we were in our fuzzy hats!!! :)

My new thing to look forward to...

So I've been a little bummed lately.

BUT today I did something that gives me lots to look forward to. I booked a flight.

Well, actually I booked three. :)

I get to go to Tucson, AZ and the surrounding area for work stuff on the 2nd of April. The next day I get to visit with Rachel (the older sister) and spend the night at her place. The next day instead of coming back home, I'm going to fly to Dallas. I plan on visiting with Lisa, Ginger (her baby shower is Saturday), Mike (hopefully) and if we can convince her to come, Jen. I'm not judging or anything, but all the cool kids will be in Dallas that weekend. Jen, I'm not trying to push you into anything, but if you don't come that weekend, you smell like rotten eggs.

What?!?!? I'm just saying...

Anyway, then on Sunday I'll fly back home.

This is going to be a great diversion that I've needed and a time where after Thursday night I can't do anything other than relax, read, and catch up with friends. Yes, just the diversion that I'll need.

Three different one way trips means another thing too:
Gratuitous groping by TSA agents!! :) I'm just saying it's been awhile. :)

How I know I have the humor of a 13 year old boy...

So I'm selling Butter Braids (a pastry thing) for the Great Dane Rescue. I HATE asking people to buy things so the order form is on the end of my desk. Right next to the picture of a mouse in boxing gloves...but that's another story.

Anyway, my co-worker, Lance, came over to sign up for the Butter Braids. He has already mentioned that he didn't like them...so I said "If you don't like them, don't purchase one" because I really hate the feeling like I have to purchase something for some cause just because someone asked me. Anyway, he said that he would buy one and that he would just give it away or something. He said that they'd give it to someone in his family...then he followed it with, "we usually just give it to her mom."

From over the cube, a small, hesitant voice said, "That's what she said."

(sigh)

I laughed so hard I almost started crying.

Expectations...

So, I've been wanting to read the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" for a couple of months.  I actually purchased it in the airport on my way to Reno.  I've been reading it in between some personal issues that I've been dealing with and I've found it pretty interesting.

To catch up those that haven't read it, it's about a woman in her 30s that visits three countries - Italy, Indonesia, and India.  She does this because things become so clearly unmanageable in her life in the US and because things fell into place that allowed her to go.  For a year she is going to live in these three countries.  I'm still on Italy - where she learns to eat.  Well, she's known how to eat for some time - it's not like she's been fed via IVs up until now, but you get the gist.

In this part of the book, she's writing about how she decided to cut things off completely with this guy that she was dating before she went to Italy for four months.  The funny thing (funny strange, not funny haha) is that I started reading that chapter (Chapter 28 for those that are reading along) on Monday night - when I was working on drawing my own boundaries.  

Anyway, one of the things that she writes about is how she looked at her parents' marriage and how she realized that her mom was consistently neglected and forgotten about...but that her mom seemed relatively happy and content anyway.  She makes the point that she just figured that she needed something different than her mom and that apparently she just wasn't as strong and independent as her mom.  She explains this to her mom and the mom said, " All those things that you want from your relationship?  I have always wanted those things too."  She then goes on to say, "You have to understand how little I was raised to expect that I deserved in life, honey.  Remember - I come from a different time and place than you do."

And honestly, that still floors me.  

I am forced to examine what my expectations are for relationships and the possibility of marriage.  Do the people that decide to bail do so because they expect different things?  Because they feel like they're entitled to a wonderful, perfect, movie-type relationship?    I know - there are probably different reasons for every relationship that ends or continues.  But what keeps people together?

Like I read blogs and see people and hear about marriages that seem like they'd be a lot of fun.  Is that really how it is?  Or is it just that people get used to each other so it's better than being alone?  

I think about why I'm not married.  And it's easy to joke about, but the most logical reason I'm not is because no one ever asked me to marry them.  Really.  I probably would've said yes to two of them had they asked within the first 6 months of us dating.  I'd like to think that one I wouldn't have followed through with it because I was MISERABLE during most of the time I dated him.  And the truth is, I've made better choices each time - or at least haven't repeated the same mistakes.  

But when you've never SEEN a successful relationship, how can you model after it?  How do you know what to wait for?  And likewise, how do you know when you THINK that you're entitled to more...and that you expect more?  How do you know if your expectations are too high?

My grandparents were married for 58 years until my grandfather died.  Did they stay together that long because society was against divorce, because they loved each other so much, or because their expectations of what a marriage should be was the same? Honestly, I think it was probably the latter.  He was a Colonel in the ARMY and she was the ever dutiful military wife.

I want a marriage that is fun.  I want a marriage that has passionate moments, one where he is just as committed as I am, and one where we are teammates...in every sense of the word.   I want to have fun doing whatever it is that we find fun.  I want to laugh, I want to joke around, I want to have an engaged husband who wants to do stuff with his kids - be it practicing soccer in the backyard or have tea parties with her dressed as a princess.  I want to enjoy him just as much after the kids are gone as when I married him... maybe in different ways, but just as much.  I don't think that things will be easy all the time.  And I'm not fooling myself into thinking that he will be so absolutely enthralled with me that he could hardly stand it.  But I would like to think that we'd be happy - more times than not.  And that when I just couldn't pick up the pieces and fight once more against whatever it is, that he'd shoulder the burden and carry me through the battle grounds at least until I was strong enough to fight again.  If he knew me, he'd know I'd gladly do the same.  Are my expectations too high?  IS this type of relationship and marriage possible to find?

I know... you probably don't have the answers for all of this.  But because almost every reader of my blog is or has been married, I'd love your take on at least some of it.