Friday, February 05, 2010

Why I think board game makers hate the movie "Lucas"

FACT: Board game makers are racist, sexist, and are probably made my jocks.

Can you have a factual statement that includes the word "probably?" Probably not. But work with me here.

First, have you ever seen the movie "Lucas?"

If you haven't, it's fantastic. Or maybe I think it's fantastic because I remember it being fantastic as a kid. You know, kind of like how I thought that the Brady Bunch had surprising endings when I was younger. Apparently, I was a dumb.

ANYway, in "Lucas" there is a character named Lucas (played by a Corey Haim) who is a nerdy kid and has a hard time fitting in. And long story short, he has a crush on a cute redhead (who doesn't?) and the jocks (sometimes led by Charlie Sheen) pick on him.

I don't want to ruin the ending, but it turns out there is no Kaiser Soze and the old lady had the Hope Diamond all along. AND they didn't explicitly say so in the movie, but I am pretty sure that Lucas was good in math.

Which brings me back to my fact. Board game developers hate people like me.

Point 1: Board game developers hate women.
Every time a board game has little pieces to move around the spaces, they're never women. EVER. Sometimes they're shoes, thimbles, blocks, weird shapes, or little men - but never are they women. Thanks a lot, a-holes.

Point 2: Board game developers hate white people.
The little pieces you move around the board (the ones that are not womanly) are not ever white. Red, blue, black, even chartreuse, but not white. I am offended!

Point 3: Board game developers hate math AND they clearly hate people who like math.

There are games for the word enthusiasts (think Hangman and Scrabble).

Are you artistic? Great. Then Pictionary is for you.

Are you diabetic? Candyland used to be for you.

Are you overly dramatic or illiterate? No problem - charades is for you.

There are even games for complete nerds and/or people who memorize facts by spending too much time at the bar on trivia night, as evidenced by the existence of Trivial Pursuit.

But math games? Games where you practice naming off the decimal places of pi? Games where you have to find the derivative of an algebraic equation? Games where you practice balancing chemical equations? No. No one makes those.

It's sad really. I mean, if you think about it, the people that were good in math and science were supposed to be the people running the world when we got older. I mean, isn't that what we were led to believe?

So what happened to people like me? I mean, sure... I work in a glamorous career with valves (Hello! Dream job!), but what's everyone else's excuse? Didn't anyone with left brain aptitudes and ovaries get to pitch game ideas to the game makers?

What's that? Oh. Apparently they're all working on cures for cancer, working to make our country safer, laughing at the word "boobies" or are out playing World of Warcraft.



JayneSees said...

Oh, the Candyland comment. BEST. EVERR.

Rachel said...

Awesome post, Anne. rock made me laugh and you rock!

turleybenson said...

Hey Dude,
what's up with the not posting? FOUR posts in January? FIVE in February?

Don't think I don't notice. I totally do.

Kelly said...

Being one of those people that has spent way too much time at the bar playing trivia games and who likes Scrabble, what was the name of the scrabble-like game you were telling me about that we can play together? I promise to submit math words!