Admit it, you have "Dream Weaver" playing in your head too

About 1 minute before I left work on Wednesday afternoon, I checked my email.

And that's when I found that JOSH HERNSBERGER (aka my 4th grade crush) left a comment on the last post that I talked about him.

If you're new here, I'm begging you to click here to read the back story...because is important.

It's okay, you can go. I'll wait.

SO, did you notice the comments at the bottom of it?

Josh Hernsebrger wrote (and I quote):

Sue you? Are you kidding? I was giving the link to everyone I know so that
they would know how awesome I was back in the 4th grade.

And I laughed so hard that I think I peed a little.

So I called my friend turleybenson up to tell her that her ex-boyfriend (look, apparently they dated for a whole 3 weeks in the 6th grade) commented on my blog. And then we laughed so hard on the phone that I think I heard her pee a little. What? She may or may not be a loud urinator.

Basically, I think it's frickin' AWESOME that he commented back.

So I got the idea to write him a quick message on Facebook to basically say "thanks for not being a douche canoe" or something sweet like that. Also, I don't know if he knows who I am. I mean, we had several classes together and all, but I don't ever say what my last name is on this blog and also? I look a little different than I did in 4th grade. Because in 4th grade I sort of looked like a mongoloid. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

ANYWAY, I couldn't find him on Facebook. And he was no longer a friend suggestion. So I remembered a friend of mine (on FB) that *is* a friend of his so I clicked through to send him a message:

===========start of message===============

Hi there,

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am the person who has written about you and the innocent crush from 25 years ago.

I actually signed onto Facebook because I wanted to send you a quick message to say thanks for being very cool and understanding about the whole blog thing. I would've written that you were being a "good sport" but I think that phrase is still reserved for use by people that are old - and I'm not ready to be old yet.

When I got onto Facebook, I couldn't find you at first - I mean, you weren't searchable and you were no longer in my friend suggestions. Around then is when I felt like a stalker for the first time in my life.* But like any GOOD stalker, I went ahead and continued to push through adversity. :) And then, it occurred to me that my writing about you may have made you want to
hide your identity somehow. And if that's the case, I want to tell you how sorry I am.

So basically, I wanted to say hi, to thank you for having a sense of humor about everything, to assure you that I'm very happy with my boyfriend, and to ask if you want me to take down the posts - or perhaps change your name to Josh Schmernsberger or maybe just "Josh H." I mean, the last thing that I wanted to do was to make your life more difficult in any way.

So if you feel comfortable, let me know if I've offended you in any way and how I can best rectify that... and I will go about doing so.

Oh, and this might be a bit overdue, but I'm hoping the last 14 years have treated you well.

:),
Anne

*Because that's pretty much the first time I've stalked someone on the internet...not because I've done it but never FELT like a stalker before.

And also? Come on...is "Dream Weaver" even playing a LITTLE bit in your head?

===============and scene!=============================

It's two days later and still no response.

I can only assume that the lack of response is because he is selling all his earthly possessions and trying to move to Denver - with the song "Dream Weaver" playing in his head every time he thinks about me.

And if that's true, I get to say to him that I'm very flattered, but that I feel like there just isn't that spark that was there in the 4th grade. Sure, he'll probably cry, plead, and maybe grab onto my pantlegs as I walk away. But I'll be firm with him. I'll tell him that he simply must try to forget my magnificence. Will it be tough? Undoubtedly. But he'll find a way to survive. And then dramatically, I'll walk away. And I won't look back...even though I can hear him sobbing.

Cue "Dream Weaver" one last time...

UPDATED: Okay, maybe "Dream Weaver" won't be playing in the background at the end. Maybe it'll be Hall and Oates "She's Gone" instead. Yes. That would be more perfecter.

UPDATED #2: I feel like I should still repay Josh for the blog fodder that he's given me. But since he clearly doesn't want to communicate with me about this, I can repay him the only way I know how:

Josh Schmernsberger is a fantastic and satisfying lover. He has a big penis. He is also very handy and knows how to fix everything. It's like he's McGuyver, Chuck Norris, The Dog Whisperer, and Dirk Diggler all rolled up into one. Anyone he's with is SOOO lucky to have him. Also he's really kind to his mom.

See Josh? YOU'RE WELCOME.

UPDATED #3: Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. I do believe I'm done with the whole Josh Schmernsberger thing. YOU'RE WELCOME.

UPDATED #4: Alright, so seriously? The formatting on this post is horrible. I don't know what happened and I apologize to you if it's all wonky. I tried to fix it, but I can't. If only Josh Schmernsberger were here...

UPDATED #5: Just so we're clear, I totally Google myself. In fact, I totally do this more often than my own breast exams. Which reminds me, October is "Feel Your Boobies" month. So feel 'em.

Tales of the Fourth Grade...SOMETHING

Let me start this post by saying that I wish I could quit laughing long enough to actually BE embarrassed about this post. It's just that this is too damn funny.

Dude. I can predict THE FUTURE.

Lemme' back up.

See, when I was in fourth grade, I had a friend named Leah. She was the same one who may or may not have kicked my ass in a dance off with a one-legged girl. Anyway, Leah is and was ADORABLE. She was cute, petite, and her mom did her hair in the most amazing ways. And although I clearly pined for boy named Josh Hernsberger, Leah was the one that won his affections - or at least his attention. Because I'm pretty sure "affection" shown in fourth grade involved pushing the girl down on the playground and perhaps calling her a "poopy head."

ANYWAY, I clearly remember being in the bus and thinking about (aka PREDICTING) the future. I remembered thinking that one day Josh would be sorry for not choosing me. In my mind's eye, Josh and I would meet at a high school reunion where he would realize the error in judgement. I would walk in wearing some sort of flowing skirt...the wind would be in my hair (in a sexy, tousled way) and I would be drop dead GORGEOUS. Leah would walk in and would be a shrunken, shriveled mess - probably with warts all over her face and DEFINITELY with cooties. Josh would be too stunned by my beauty to speak. He may or may not have "Dream Weaver" playing in his head. Eventually, we would talk. We would laugh about the old days. And then he would invite me back to his mansion to watch MTV and we would live happily ever after.*

I've had the option of adding Josh as my friend on Facebook for quite some time. In fact, when I first saw him as an option to add on my friend suggestions page, I laughed.** I didn't add him because somehow that would be less funny. I did, however, add Leah. And as luck (or good genes) would have it, she's just as cute as ever.

So fast forward to today...err...today-ish.

'Member this post where I mentioned Josh Hernsberger in my plea/bribe to God? How about the one where I mentioned Josh Hersberger again? Well, if you read the last one, you'll see my tiny little PS at the bottom - one where I predicted that Josh would eventually find out.

Apparently, Josh knows how to Google. Or one of his friends do. Or maybe it's a stalker. The point is, someone Googled his name. And then they copied the links. And then they sent them via email to what seems to be about eleventy hundred people.

How do I know this? My hits on my website counter spiked - even though I hadn't written anything in a week or so. And when I went into the history to see WHY it spiked I found a couple of these:

In case you're new to counter reports, this says that google sent this person to my blog after googling his name. Up until now, the highest number of referrals was the one where I put a picture of Pete up.

As I looked through more of the counter history, I found lots of ones that indicate that someone sent emails with the links to the two posts to various people in the US.

Honestly, I think it's HYSTERICAL. I mean, for a half of a second, I wondered if he could sue me for slander or something... but then I thought that if the bloggess can write about William Shatner and she doesn't get in trouble, I'm probably safe with disclosing a crush that happened 25 years ago.

So, to Josh or his wife or his friends or his mom or his dog or his stalker: Hi. You should totally come over. I even have MTV.

* The MTV thing was important, because my mom would not let us watch MTV.

**I whited out the faces because I don't know if it's okay to put peoples' picture on the web without their consent. And let's be honest, Debbie's baby is probably evil. I do NOT want to mess with that baby.

I'm just not that into this movie...

About 5 years ago, Oprah had Greg Behrendt on her show talking about his book, "He's Just Not That Into You." It actually was a line that he shared with one of the writers on "Sex and The City." She apparently found it so profound that she helped write it into a show. The episode was even named the "He's Just Not That Into You."

The book was fantastic. Really. I hear SO MANY WOMEN griping about their boyfriend and then defending his lack of calling, etc. the next. This book helps clear these types of situations up. If you haven't read it, basically it's book that goes through chapter by chapter all the ways that guys are hinting to you that they are not into you. Think of it as a brutally honest 12 step program. It was very helpful when I read it 4 years ago and as I'm entering the dating world, I'm debating re-reading it.

BUT.

They've decided to make it into a movie. I think this was an asinine choice, but who am I to talk about what should and should not be made into a movie. Who wants a book of lists to be made into a movie? Besides every chapter is about a different thing. So unless they have totally different scenarios set up, it's going to be about one SERIOUSLY stupid girl who dates an a-hole. Even if they have different characters, I don't get why that would be something I would want to watch. They'll be acting out the scenarios of all the different ways guys dick you over (and not in a good way) with no continuity. It'd be like a sketch show made into a movie.

Also? It was embarrassing enough BUYING the book to take it home and read it. I'm certainly not going to buy a ticket to see it in the movie theater...or worse rent it on a lonely Friday night where the guy at the Blockbuster store KNOWS you're just going to go home, microwave a Lean Cuisine, and then practice writing Mrs. Paul Rudd* in your journal.

Ahem.

Not that that has happened to me recently.**

I'm just saying, I don't get why they're going to ruin a perfectly good book with a movie that has already been a book and a TV show. The worst part is? They've got about a ZILLION famous actors in the movie. Maybe I'll be surprised and wowed by the reviews - so much so that I'll shell out $15 for the movie...but I don't think so.

*SNL this past Saturday night was a re-run where Paul Rudd hosted. AND Justin Timberlake did the "Single Ladies" skit. Seriously...so.very.funny.

**items rented on NYE: Ghost Town, This is Spinal Tap, and Stepbrothers.

Why I have a crush on Paul Rudd

1. He is so very, very, very cute.
2. He allows collages of him to be put up on myspace...as seen below (no, it's not on MY myspace page...although that collage would make mine super fly...after someone saw that they might leave me a glittery comment!):

3. He was a great host on SNL this past weekend - not as good as Justin Timberlake...but that's because JT is the best host ever.
4. He is funny - any interview I've seen him do, he has been light-hearted and delightfully silly.
5. I've never seen him endorse a bladder control (BPH - whatever that stands for) medication.
6. He is SO VERY CUTE.
7. He is a great dancer - so unbelievably sensual! Don't believe me? Please watch the clip from his recent visit to "The Daily Show."


How anyone not think he's dreamy?

(sigh)

P.S. I saw "Role Models" on Friday night and it was very funny.

A new distraction

This morning, while planting daisies in my front area (I would call it a yard, but it's too small) with my mom, I met my neighbor, her brother, and his two friends.

Her brother? So. Very. Cute. Has dimples, grey eyes (okay, they *might* be hazel) and really seemed to like my dog.

Now, I'm not one of those crazy people that thinks that if my dog likes a guy that he's "The One." Because my dog also thinks that liking her bum is a great thing. BUT I do like it when a guy seems to really like my dog.

Anyway, in case you're wondering, he lives in Vail and is just visiting her sister for the weekend. He does have a name, but I was so busy trying to brush the smudge of dirt from my face that I didn't catch it.

Was he as funny as the guy from Reno? No. That could be because he was very hungover or it could be because it is impossible.

But I have to move on at some point, right?

(sigh)

Well, at least having him around here from time to time will keep me from looking like complete ass when I walk outside my house. :)

I'd hyphenate it

Last night I dreamed that I went to Boston to go see my friend Eliseo play in the Boston Symphony (which, I believe he still does). I only got to see the rehearsal, but he was playing every part... like he'd move from playing the tympani to the oboe. He was good...but it was STRANGE.

Anyway, leaving there, I happened to bump into McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey - only I didn't remember his real name in my dream). He was single in my dream and was clearly looking to date someone. And why WOULDN'T he want to date me? I mean, really.


So I gave him my number and parts of my address that I could remember in my dream. I was all...what town do I live in? Hmmm...it starts with an "a" (note: it does NOT)...I believe I wrote down Ashby thinking that I'd rather have him call than send me a signed picture from Tiger Beat magazine. And no, I don't know where a town named Ashby even IS.

So we went to his friend's apartment and he was trying to prove that it was hard to date people even though he's a celebrity. I was shocked. He sat down and got on the computer and typed his name: Derrek Fa**ot (an offensive term for gay people) in some search field on myspace - I guess to show me his profile? As he typed his name, I wasn't shocked that that was his last name - it's like I just knew that that was his name (because I couldn't remember that his name was Patrick Dempsey). But, I was disappointed. I mean, who wants that as a last name? Then I remembered thinking...well, he IS Derrek F@&&*! so really, can I pass this up?

(sigh)

I heart John Corbett...and the character he plays in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and "Sex and the City."

He's dreamy.  He's calming.  He's faithful and he likes dogs.

I think I'm going to get a poster of his and hang it in my locker. :)