And that's when I found that JOSH HERNSBERGER (aka my 4th grade crush) left a comment on the last post that I talked about him.
If you're new here, I'm begging you to click here to read the back story...because is important.
It's okay, you can go. I'll wait.
SO, did you notice the comments at the bottom of it?
Josh Hernsebrger wrote (and I quote):
Sue you? Are you kidding? I was giving the link to everyone I know so that
they would know how awesome I was back in the 4th grade.
And I laughed so hard that I think I peed a little.
So I called my friend turleybenson up to tell her that her ex-boyfriend (look, apparently they dated for a whole 3 weeks in the 6th grade) commented on my blog. And then we laughed so hard on the phone that I think I heard her pee a little. What? She may or may not be a loud urinator.
Basically, I think it's frickin' AWESOME that he commented back.
So I got the idea to write him a quick message on Facebook to basically say "thanks for not being a douche canoe" or something sweet like that. Also, I don't know if he knows who I am. I mean, we had several classes together and all, but I don't ever say what my last name is on this blog and also? I look a little different than I did in 4th grade. Because in 4th grade I sort of looked like a mongoloid. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
ANYWAY, I couldn't find him on Facebook. And he was no longer a friend suggestion. So I remembered a friend of mine (on FB) that *is* a friend of his so I clicked through to send him a message:
===========start of message===============
In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am the person who has written about you and the innocent crush from 25 years ago.
I actually signed onto Facebook because I wanted to send you a quick message to say thanks for being very cool and understanding about the whole blog thing. I would've written that you were being a "good sport" but I think that phrase is still reserved for use by people that are old - and I'm not ready to be old yet.
When I got onto Facebook, I couldn't find you at first - I mean, you weren't searchable and you were no longer in my friend suggestions. Around then is when I felt like a stalker for the first time in my life.* But like any GOOD stalker, I went ahead and continued to push through adversity. :) And then, it occurred to me that my writing about you may have made you want to
hide your identity somehow. And if that's the case, I want to tell you how sorry I am.
So basically, I wanted to say hi, to thank you for having a sense of humor about everything, to assure you that I'm very happy with my boyfriend, and to ask if you want me to take down the posts - or perhaps change your name to Josh Schmernsberger or maybe just "Josh H." I mean, the last thing that I wanted to do was to make your life more difficult in any way.
So if you feel comfortable, let me know if I've offended you in any way and how I can best rectify that... and I will go about doing so.
Oh, and this might be a bit overdue, but I'm hoping the last 14 years have treated you well.
*Because that's pretty much the first time I've stalked someone on the internet...not because I've done it but never FELT like a stalker before.
And also? Come on...is "Dream Weaver" even playing a LITTLE bit in your head?
It's two days later and still no response.
I can only assume that the lack of response is because he is selling all his earthly possessions and trying to move to Denver - with the song "Dream Weaver" playing in his head every time he thinks about me.
And if that's true, I get to say to him that I'm very flattered, but that I feel like there just isn't that spark that was there in the 4th grade. Sure, he'll probably cry, plead, and maybe grab onto my pantlegs as I walk away. But I'll be firm with him. I'll tell him that he simply must try to forget my magnificence. Will it be tough? Undoubtedly. But he'll find a way to survive. And then dramatically, I'll walk away. And I won't look back...even though I can hear him sobbing.
Cue "Dream Weaver" one last time...
UPDATED: Okay, maybe "Dream Weaver" won't be playing in the background at the end. Maybe it'll be Hall and Oates "She's Gone" instead. Yes. That would be more perfecter.
UPDATED #2: I feel like I should still repay Josh for the blog fodder that he's given me. But since he clearly doesn't want to communicate with me about this, I can repay him the only way I know how:
Josh Schmernsberger is a fantastic and satisfying lover. He has a big penis. He is also very handy and knows how to fix everything. It's like he's McGuyver, Chuck Norris, The Dog Whisperer, and Dirk Diggler all rolled up into one. Anyone he's with is SOOO lucky to have him. Also he's really kind to his mom.See Josh? YOU'RE WELCOME.
UPDATED #3: Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. I do believe I'm done with the whole Josh Schmernsberger thing. YOU'RE WELCOME.
UPDATED #4: Alright, so seriously? The formatting on this post is horrible. I don't know what happened and I apologize to you if it's all wonky. I tried to fix it, but I can't. If only Josh Schmernsberger were here...UPDATED #5: Just so we're clear, I totally Google myself. In fact, I totally do this more often than my own breast exams. Which reminds me, October is "Feel Your Boobies" month. So feel 'em.