For Pete's Sake, Don't Drop the Soap

I don't know when it started, but I'd miss it if it were gone.

When I started dating Joe, over a year ago, I was struck by how...well...wholesome he was. He's *that guy* you want to take home to your mom. The one who says the right thing, who knows which fork is for what at fancy restaurants, and the one who can recite all the presidents we've had.

But he's also a goof.

A funny guy with a persistence unlike anyone else I've ever met when it comes to making me laugh. That's right. If I laugh once about something, you can believe that he'll make the same joke again and again until it loses it's funny. Which isn't to say that he is a one-trick pony. No. This guy is super witty and we joke about different stuff all of the time. It's just he's smart enough to know when a joke works.

And truly, I don't know when it started, but it's been going on for a while and it still makes me break into giggle fits.

He humps me from behind.

Now, bear with me. This isn't another story about how I got felt up in church or anything like that.

What I mean is that if my back is to him and I happen to have my butt pushed out in some way, he'll pretend to hump me.

The thing is, it cracks me up. To be fair, this only happens when he's in reasonably close proximity (he won't run across the room to "humpity," but if he's close and paying attention, watch out!) and when we're not in the presence of anyone else. AND it's not like he does this all day long. Nope, just a humpity or two in any given week.

I guess what I'm saying is, he doesn't over-use the humpity. Not too much and not too little. The perfect amount of humpity action.

I affix a deadpan look and usually after a few "humpity"s, he'll stop, step aside so he can see my face of complete boredom, and then look all proud of himself - like he's just given me a bunch of flowers. Sometimes he nods emphatically. It's usually then that I burst into laughter.

So, reaching for something on top of the fridge? Humpity.

Brushing my teeth at the sink and bending down to spit out the froth? Humpity.

Stirring something in a pot on the stove? Humpity.

During a long elevator ride? Humpity humpity humpity.

Heaven help me if I bend over to tie my shoe...

My dad owns a gay bar

It's true.

But first, I have to let you know that my dad is a VERY conservative guy. His family is from Alabama and his dad was in the Army. My dad grew up and joined the Army too and became a doctor in the Army. Although he retired from the Army in 1995, he still practices and will be retiring next month.

Anyway, for those that know him, my dad is a no frills kind of guy. He, in general, does not have what I would call a great sense of humor. Very stern and quiet.

My dad just bought his first house since my parents seperation... in 1995. As in 13 years ago. Anyway, the house, as I found out yesterday, is beautiful. Not my taste, but I'm not 65.

So in the guest bathroom on the main floor, I saw this sink. Again, not so much my taste.

It's surrounded by a mural on the wall.

A closer look and I saw the bar of soap:
Niiice. I think it goes nicely with the gold flecked sink.

My goal this weekend? To broach the topic gently and try to find out if he is doing it because he has a sense of humor or because he wasn't aware what it implies.

At least my hair looks cute

I should preface this by saying that Mondays are my trash days - so I typically run a little late on Mondays. Sure, I *could* take out the trash on Sunday nights and put bags in all my trash cans...but that just feels weird. Like I didn't make the most of the FULL week that I had since the last time the trash was picked up.

Okay, so I'm getting ready in the morning and I realize that I have a bit more time on my hands - so I decided to use a round brush to blow dry my hair, which is actually hard to do. Using the blow drier and round brush gives me a sleek and sexy style for the next minute and a half so it's totally worth it. Today's taming of the hair took longer than normal - and when I finished I realized that I had about 2 minutes to take the trash outside, get my make-up on, and pack my lunch.

I let Chassis in the house - only to notice that she is leaving a trail of POOP on the floor from two of her feet. My place is like a railroad car - it's not very wide, but boy is it long. And I'm going to try to ignore the sexual undertone in that sentence.

Anyway, I start saying "NO NO NO NO NO NO" as she's walking through the house - mostly to myself. This has the same reaction as when I was cheering yesterday for the Broncos win - it scares her. Due to the width issue of my house, she can't easily turn around so she started running back to her bed...leaving plops of poo in her wake.

I was finally able to corral her to the back porch and after about five hundred wipes, I was able to remove all of the poop from inside the cavern that is her paw. If you have a dog, you know that their toes all hide a HUGE cavern of space - and that was completely filled with crap. TWO PAW-CAVERNS OF CRAP.

So I got back inside only to realize that I was about 10 minutes late. I break out the Lysol wipes and start wiping up my wood floors (is this bad for my floors? I don't even know) and then take out the trash. I spend the next minute scouring my hands with anti-bacterial soap and scalding hot water. I start wondering if I can use the same method for my nostrils as I can still only smell dog poo. I now am 15 minutes late. And I still don't have make-up on.

So I start slapping it on in the most hurried fashion and that is when I did something that I have never done before.

I stuck the mascara wand in my eye socket.

People, not only does poking your eyeball with a furry stick hurt, but the goop also burns a little. And it starts making my eye tear. Black goop is now running down from my face. I look like Tammy Faye Baker. I grab a tissue and try to mop it up, creating a big splotch of black under my eye. Which means I have now morphed into the guy from "Clockwork Orange."

A quick check at the clock and I am now 23 minutes late. Then again, I can't be sure...because my right eye refuses to open.

I try to wipe it up as best I can - noting that it looks like I've now been punched on one side of my face. So I try to cover it up with a little more foundation. This also covers all traces of my freckles on that side of my face. It's almost like a neon sign pointing to my face saying "DON'T LOOK HERE!"

I walk in the door several minutes late. A co-worker takes one look at me and says "Oh my gosh! You look like crap!" And she wrinkles her nose...which makes me wonder if I actually stepped in the crap residue on the porch. Instead of thanking her for her support I just shrug my shoulders and walk to my desk...waiting until she walks away so that I can check my shoes for crap.

You might be relieved to know that I am crap-free.

Don't you know how to get loose by now?

Oh My GOSH!

I just saw this video on this site - so I fully admit to stealing this. Is that bad to do, even if I'm giving her credit? There should be list of do's and don'ts when you get your blogspot sign-in info.

Anyway, I watched this and laughed so hard.

Like Stephanie says, I can totally picture that lady from SNL doing the main person. I mean, what is up with her SHOUTING the lyrics. And shouting how we should get loose. At one point, she is actually moving so fast that the other people appear to be standing still!

"Yes, sir!"

Creepy! :)

Oh, and in case you didn't notice - they don't lift either foot. EVER.

Why I peed my pants on the way to work today...

I got into my car this morning with cute hair, casually stylish clothes, and happy about the simple fact that it is Friday. I picked up the phone, called my friend, and began driving to work.

While on the highway (in the left lane with no shoulder to the left of me), travelling at somewhere between 73 and 78 miles per hour, I noticed significant movement in the back of my car. IN MY CAR. For a split second I thought "Did I stop at a gas station recently where someone could crawl into my car and then try to kill me?" I realized that that did not happen and besides, no semi was behind me flashing their brights trying to save me. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, please read this. I get that in an email at least once every 3 months.

So then I thought it was a bird but realized that maybe it was a baby bird because it was sort of small...and while I was still trying to figure out what exactly it was, a dark brown moth the size of a 15 pound burger FLEW up at me - trying to attack my face. I screamed like a little girl, dropped my cell phone in my lap, and frantically reached for the buttons to try to roll down the windows. After I did so and realized that the moth probably flew out the window, I chuckled to myself about how scared I was.

Relieved, I picked back up my phone and said, "Whew...sorry about that. I was looking in my rearview mirror and realized that a living thing was in my car. And OH MY GOSH! IT'S BACK! AHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!!!!" because the moth was now on my side of the car flying up and freaking out ALMOST as much as I was. Apparently it didn't want to get out into the 40 degree weather either.

We went through the unrolling of the windows another time until I finally decided to leave the driver's window rolled down for the rest of the way to work. I got inside our building and Lance (who's cube is right by the door) said "Wow. What happened to your hair this morning?" because my hair looked like that lady that asked John McCain the question about Obama being a terrorist and an Arab.

(sigh)

I gave him the finger.

Conversation from a birthday dinner party on Saturday night

Me (to the lady sitting to the right of me): Hi. I don't think I've met you. My name is Anne.

Her: Hi. My name is Deena. But I think we have met.

Me (awkwardly): Oh. Are you sure? Well, I'm sorry. I'm so forgetful (ed note: I am not). Then it's nice to meet you again.

Her: Well, maybe we didn't meet.

Me: Um...okay.

Her: Maybe I just think we met because you have such a common face.

Me: Ow. You do know that I'm sitting right here, right?

Her: Oh, sorry. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's not that you're ugly per se, just a face that probably everyone thinks they've seen.

Me (trying to turn the conversation to on the left side of me) : Um...okay then.

Her: Sorry, I think this keeps coming out wrong. It's just that your face looks like so many others. There's nothing distinguishable about it. So it's easy for me to think that I've seen it before.

Me: Wow. You do know that you're saying things out loud and that I can hear them, right?

Her: Well, you could act! You look like you would be great as an extra in a movie. You know, as a role of someone not important. Yes, you look like you're not important to someone's role in life.

Me: I don't know how else to say this. You're being rude. I'm not going to talk to you anymore.

Her: Wait! What'd I say wrong? It's not like I said you were that ugly sidekick that every movie has. I mean, you do have the red hair so you could be that side kick. Not that I think red hair is ugly. I would never pick it, but it's nice for people like you.

Me (to the guy across from me): Is she still talking? Do you want to switch seats with me?

Guy (to her): Um...you should probably just stop now.

Her: Oh. Okay then. Well, it was nice to meet you.

What got me to literally LOL

Alright...I know you guys don't come here for political stuff... and so far I've stayed away from posting about it.

But I saw this skit on Saturday night and laughed so hard. They make fun of both women...okay, mostly Palin because of the stuff she's said in recent interviews, but it's still really funny.



And I'm sorry if you had to watch a short commercial before the clip...but NBC keeps shutting down any YouTube clips of it.

Some might call me a SUPER TROOPER

Let me preface this post with the fact that I saw "Mamma Mia" this weekend.

So - today our Regional Sales Manager was discussing a product that has been re-released. In this meeting, he was discussing one of our big customers and how they were recently bought out. He literally said, "They were bought out by a group in Sweeden."

So I said, "Was it ABBA?"

And he said, "What?"

I repeated myself.

He said, "No, I don't think that was the name of it" and then hurried on with his statement.

He didn't even GET my joke.

(sigh)

Who knows what could happen?

This made me laugh just thinking about it tonight - so I decided to post about it.

This past weekend I was in Dallas...we stayed at the beautiful, wonderful, fantastic hotel - the LaQuinta of Grand Prairie. Okay...who am I kidding? It was kind of a dive. BUT they had waffle makers that made waffles in the shape of Texas. And really, isn't that more important?

Anyway, as I was checking out on Sunday morning, I noticed that there was a sign on the front desk. It said:

Put your business card in the fishbowl.

Who knows what could happen?

You could win a free night's stay!!!

Um... Yeah. I'm guessing I know what could happen now. I could win a free night's stay! Am I right? :)

How I know I have the humor of a 13 year old boy...

So I'm selling Butter Braids (a pastry thing) for the Great Dane Rescue. I HATE asking people to buy things so the order form is on the end of my desk. Right next to the picture of a mouse in boxing gloves...but that's another story.

Anyway, my co-worker, Lance, came over to sign up for the Butter Braids. He has already mentioned that he didn't like them...so I said "If you don't like them, don't purchase one" because I really hate the feeling like I have to purchase something for some cause just because someone asked me. Anyway, he said that he would buy one and that he would just give it away or something. He said that they'd give it to someone in his family...then he followed it with, "we usually just give it to her mom."

From over the cube, a small, hesitant voice said, "That's what she said."

(sigh)

I laughed so hard I almost started crying.

Hee hee :)

Just because it's Friday...

The One With The Routine

So, I'm watching TV last night and saw an old episode of Friends.   Just so you know, I have seen all episodes of Friends...but if one is on, I'll watch it again.  I love this series.  

So, one of my top 5 episodes was on last night...the one where Ross and Monica get a chance to be on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve.  They've been wanting to be on the show for almost their whole lives and now that they're on the show, the guy that decides who is on camera (and thus who is on the platform dancing) is not choosing them.  They are bummed, but think of the perfect idea...

What the hell?

Okay - so I will get this out there right now. I stole this from Ginger's blog. It was too funny not to post on mine and share with you. So thanks Ginger...for stealing it from someone else's blog so I could see it. And thanks, God, for making these so frickin' funny. Sure, it's probably a survival technique out in the wild, but it doesn't seem like it'd be very effective. Then again, what do I know? I'm not a goat.

The funniest part is when they do it to a bunch of them at once.

I almost can't stop laughing.

Churches...

Usually I'm not the person that laughs at what someone says. I mean, if they mean it to be funny, I laugh at it...but if they don't, well then I just think it can come off as being mean as if they're teleported back to middle school and countless nightmares where people point and laugh. So I try not to laugh at someone's stupid mistakes or weird quirks...but today I couldn't help it.

A co-worker and I were trying to pass the time during an email outage when we were talking about famous people and our encounters with them.

Wait, let me back up for a moment.

I was really active in my church in Oklahoma - partially because that's what you do in Oklahoma...go to church, get married, and have babies. Some of the time, this all happens before the age of 14, but not always.* Anyway, I had a great time there and when I moved here I figured it'd be a good way to get to know people here.

So I started visiting churches. One day I decided to go to one by my house...it's a HUGE church - about the size of our theatre in Oklahoma City. It was tough to find a parking space even in the lot for easily over 200 cars. Police were directing traffic. Seriously, it had a coffee bar in the atrium, stadium style seating, and even the flippy chair that one might find in a movie theatre. Not really my taste, but I was there and already had on panty hose, so I made the best of it. The preacher came onto the stage and made some big announcement about how they had a special guest that day and I figured that it was some sort of inside thing that only the regulars would understand. Anyway, he says something like, "Welcome, John Tesh!" And I thought "wow - he has the same name as the famous guy...weird." When the big camera depicted on the jumbo screen showed a close up, I realized that it was THE John Tesh. I couldn't believe it. I turned to the person next to me and literally said, "Holy Shit! That's John Tesh!" As you can imagine, my statement wasn't really appreciated. I was a little embarrased because even if you're wearing panty hose, they don't typically like you to curse in church. This story has made others laugh through the years, so it's a good one to tell in a situation such as what came up today.

Remember that a co-worker and I were trying talking about famous people... I mentioned that I had seen John Tesh. My co-worker asked about when/where. So I said "When I first moved here and I was looking for churches-" and I paused because my work phone started ringing. He then said, "Churches Chicken? Did you try the phone book or were you just driving around? Wow. I didn't even know that you liked fried chicken."

And I'm not sure why, but I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. He felt horrible and although I felt bad because I was clearly laughing at him, I couldn't stop.

He was actually a great sport about it and I think I did an okay job about passing it off about it catching me off guard, but I found it also too funny not to share.

~A

*= For my friends from Oklahoma: I'm kidding. Rex (a friend and an Oklahoman) really was the one that said that it usually happened before 14...so I'm blaming him. :) But it was funny...so I had to steal it and put it in my blog.

Funny or not so funny?

I'm not trying to brag, but people seem to think I'm funny. I get a kick out of it - there's nothing like the feeling of making people laugh. Every now and again, someone will tell me that I should either do stand-up or audition for "Last Comic Standing." I gotta' tell you a couple of things:

1) I'm not that funny...really. It's just that usually my audience is drinking.

and 2) sometimes what I think is funny is not what other people think are funny. Which is really unfortunate...because when no one else thinks it's funny, I get tickled by the joke even more. Sure, it's kind of a bad cycle, but I can't seem to stop it.

So, a couple of weeks ago, this comic was emailed to me. I laughed and laughed and even put it up on the outside of my cube (I'm a giver, what can I say?). No one...and I mean NO ONE in my office thought it was funny. I, on the other hand, would laugh every time I saw it.

Since I put up a new comic every week, the people in my office politely waited until the week of that comic was up... probably hoping that it would be replaced by a Ziggy cartoon. Please note that if you do, in fact, think Ziggy cartoons are funny, I order you to stop reading now. Seriously. I can't be friends with someone like you.

Fast forward to today:

One of my friends from college (Candice Yoder...now Salmon) just had her third baby. The baby's name is Isaiah Robert. Yay Candice!

So off and on during the day I thought about this name...and in the afternoon, an AWESOME nickname came to me. I think they should nickname him iBob. You know...like iPod.

I'm thinking about his new nickname and I was cracking up. I mean, I was literally laughing out loud at my desk in my cube. I was so proud of myself! I emailed two friends...both of which did not comment on the nickname that I, quite frankly, thought was hilarious. So I decided to run it by a couple of co-workers. They thought that it was not funny. I decided to push it further and explain the joke, like:
"oh come on!

iBob...like short for Isiah Robert?

But like iPod?

Get it?

Okay, let me explain it more...it's like this..."

And even *that* didn't work. My boss (who also did not like the "Get a room" comic) said "Again, I don't want you to confuse my not laughing as that I don't get it." My co-worker, Lisa, even gave me a pity laugh... I think because she was tired of me saying "iBob...get it? like iPod?" over and over. Another co-worker said, "Well, the good news is that it's as funny as the "Get a room!" comic." I, of course, was flattered by this.

(sigh)

iBob.

That's funny...I don't care who you are.

*This* is why I would never win on "Last Comic Standing."