I should preface this by saying that Mondays are my trash days - so I typically run a little late on Mondays. Sure, I *could* take out the trash on Sunday nights and put bags in all my trash cans...but that just feels weird. Like I didn't make the most of the FULL week that I had since the last time the trash was picked up.
Okay, so I'm getting ready in the morning and I realize that I have a bit more time on my hands - so I decided to use a round brush to blow dry my hair, which is actually hard to do. Using the blow drier and round brush gives me a sleek and sexy style for the next minute and a half so it's totally worth it. Today's taming of the hair took longer than normal - and when I finished I realized that I had about 2 minutes to take the trash outside, get my make-up on, and pack my lunch.
I let Chassis in the house - only to notice that she is leaving a trail of POOP on the floor from two of her feet. My place is like a railroad car - it's not very wide, but boy is it long. And I'm going to try to ignore the sexual undertone in that sentence.
Anyway, I start saying "NO NO NO NO NO NO" as she's walking through the house - mostly to myself. This has the same reaction as when I was cheering yesterday for the Broncos win - it scares her. Due to the width issue of my house, she can't easily turn around so she started running back to her bed...leaving plops of poo in her wake.
I was finally able to corral her to the back porch and after about five hundred wipes, I was able to remove all of the poop from inside the cavern that is her paw. If you have a dog, you know that their toes all hide a HUGE cavern of space - and that was completely filled with crap. TWO PAW-CAVERNS OF CRAP.
So I got back inside only to realize that I was about 10 minutes late. I break out the Lysol wipes and start wiping up my wood floors (is this bad for my floors? I don't even know) and then take out the trash. I spend the next minute scouring my hands with anti-bacterial soap and scalding hot water. I start wondering if I can use the same method for my nostrils as I can still only smell dog poo. I now am 15 minutes late. And I still don't have make-up on.
So I start slapping it on in the most hurried fashion and that is when I did something that I have never done before.
I stuck the mascara wand in my eye socket.
People, not only does poking your eyeball with a furry stick hurt, but the goop also burns a little. And it starts making my eye tear. Black goop is now running down from my face. I look like Tammy Faye Baker. I grab a tissue and try to mop it up, creating a big splotch of black under my eye. Which means I have now morphed into the guy from "Clockwork Orange."
A quick check at the clock and I am now 23 minutes late. Then again, I can't be sure...because my right eye refuses to open.
I try to wipe it up as best I can - noting that it looks like I've now been punched on one side of my face. So I try to cover it up with a little more foundation. This also covers all traces of my freckles on that side of my face. It's almost like a neon sign pointing to my face saying "DON'T LOOK HERE!"
I walk in the door several minutes late. A co-worker takes one look at me and says "Oh my gosh! You look like crap!" And she wrinkles her nose...which makes me wonder if I actually stepped in the crap residue on the porch. Instead of thanking her for her support I just shrug my shoulders and walk to my desk...waiting until she walks away so that I can check my shoes for crap.
You might be relieved to know that I am crap-free.
20 hours ago