Monday, November 17, 2008

At least my hair looks cute

I should preface this by saying that Mondays are my trash days - so I typically run a little late on Mondays. Sure, I *could* take out the trash on Sunday nights and put bags in all my trash cans...but that just feels weird. Like I didn't make the most of the FULL week that I had since the last time the trash was picked up.

Okay, so I'm getting ready in the morning and I realize that I have a bit more time on my hands - so I decided to use a round brush to blow dry my hair, which is actually hard to do. Using the blow drier and round brush gives me a sleek and sexy style for the next minute and a half so it's totally worth it. Today's taming of the hair took longer than normal - and when I finished I realized that I had about 2 minutes to take the trash outside, get my make-up on, and pack my lunch.

I let Chassis in the house - only to notice that she is leaving a trail of POOP on the floor from two of her feet. My place is like a railroad car - it's not very wide, but boy is it long. And I'm going to try to ignore the sexual undertone in that sentence.

Anyway, I start saying "NO NO NO NO NO NO" as she's walking through the house - mostly to myself. This has the same reaction as when I was cheering yesterday for the Broncos win - it scares her. Due to the width issue of my house, she can't easily turn around so she started running back to her bed...leaving plops of poo in her wake.

I was finally able to corral her to the back porch and after about five hundred wipes, I was able to remove all of the poop from inside the cavern that is her paw. If you have a dog, you know that their toes all hide a HUGE cavern of space - and that was completely filled with crap. TWO PAW-CAVERNS OF CRAP.

So I got back inside only to realize that I was about 10 minutes late. I break out the Lysol wipes and start wiping up my wood floors (is this bad for my floors? I don't even know) and then take out the trash. I spend the next minute scouring my hands with anti-bacterial soap and scalding hot water. I start wondering if I can use the same method for my nostrils as I can still only smell dog poo. I now am 15 minutes late. And I still don't have make-up on.

So I start slapping it on in the most hurried fashion and that is when I did something that I have never done before.

I stuck the mascara wand in my eye socket.

People, not only does poking your eyeball with a furry stick hurt, but the goop also burns a little. And it starts making my eye tear. Black goop is now running down from my face. I look like Tammy Faye Baker. I grab a tissue and try to mop it up, creating a big splotch of black under my eye. Which means I have now morphed into the guy from "Clockwork Orange."

A quick check at the clock and I am now 23 minutes late. Then again, I can't be sure...because my right eye refuses to open.

I try to wipe it up as best I can - noting that it looks like I've now been punched on one side of my face. So I try to cover it up with a little more foundation. This also covers all traces of my freckles on that side of my face. It's almost like a neon sign pointing to my face saying "DON'T LOOK HERE!"

I walk in the door several minutes late. A co-worker takes one look at me and says "Oh my gosh! You look like crap!" And she wrinkles her nose...which makes me wonder if I actually stepped in the crap residue on the porch. Instead of thanking her for her support I just shrug my shoulders and walk to my desk...waiting until she walks away so that I can check my shoes for crap.

You might be relieved to know that I am crap-free.


Bonnie said...

Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing out loud since my students are working quietly on a reading test. They must've thought I was having a seizure!

kristi said...

Oh man... I was laughing so hard MY eyes were tearing up. This fits in perfectly with an embarrassing moment I had last week at work. I was applying a bit of concealer with the furry wand it comes with and for no particular reason at all, jammed it up my nose when trying to stick it back in the tube!! I spent the next 8-10 minutes wiping concealer out of my nostril hoping no one would come to my office to see that. But, now that I've told everyone, it's way cooler...

Kris said...

ohhhh, I thought you looked good today and I did not see you until the end of it! hug the puppy for me!

the girls' moma said...

Why are there no pictures? That's what I want to know.

I stabbed myself in the eye with the mascara wand once, too, not so long ago. It does suck!!!

But yes, at least your hair looked cute.