Friday, February 21, 2014


So, wow!  People still read this blog!  Thanks for the comment and the messages to me personally - they are very nice to get!

I figured that I'd clarify two things from my last post.  I wrote it hurriedly while on a conference call and there were two things that probably need clarifying.

First, when I said my family is happy except for my dad, I kind of need to put an asterisk next to that...because my dad doesn't really get happy about anything.  He's very factual and not emotional (think Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory").  And because he's a doctor he knows the risks of miscarrying in the first trimester so his first bit of advice was "try not to get attached." I shit you not.

But he's supportive of me.  He acknowledges that I'm pregnant, asks how I'm feeling, and lets me know that he's praying for me.  In my dad's book, this is VERY supportive.  But no, I wouldn't classify that as "happy."

Secondly, when I said that some the ladies in the Single Mothers By Choice group were jealous, it came off like I was thinking that they didn't like me because I was so awesome.  I mean, YOU know that I'm so awesome, but chances are these ladies haven't realized it yet. 

This group is made up of people that are thinking about doing this, trying to do this, or actually ARE doing this.  And unfortunately, many, many people come to the group in their 40s wanting to have babies because they haven't found the right person yet.  And by then (and I swear I'm not trying to scare any of you), it's too late.  That's right - all the stuff people told me growing up of "You have plenty of time!" isn't true.  The reality is, we kind of don't.  Sure, you can look at the Halle Berry's of the world and think about how she is able to have fully healthy babies after 40.  But what you don't know is what goes on behind the scene - she probably had IVF done (which is SUPER expensive to the average person) to make sure that there were no genetic defects and was monitored by lots of doctors to make sure that the pregnancy was going along as planned.  Even then, you don't know how many tries it took to get her this far.

The average woman doesn't have unlimited tries and resources to get pregnant.

So when I say that they're jealous, what I mean is that I got pregnant on the first try.  Without any drugs to trigger ovulation or beef up my egg quality.  And sometimes it's hard to talk to another woman who has been trying for 5 years and has even gone down the path of egg donation (getting another woman to donate her eggs and then fertilizing it with donor sperm to put into the original woman to try to carry) and for me to say that I got pregnant on the first try.

It's not that they don't like's that sometimes it's hard to have a conversation with someone that doesn't realize just how lucky they are when you want that more than anything else.

What they may not realize is that I get that too.  Having just gone through Valentine's Day hearing about everyone's plans, gifts, cards, etc. wasn't the most fun I've ever had.  Of course I want to get married and have a partner.  So I get it and I at least can recognize that I am lucky to be able to be successful on the first try.

So what am I most worried about?  That the yogurt that I didn't realize was expired until AFTER I ate it won't cause my baby to have to wear an eye patch for his whole life.  Or that because I feel fine and have no morning sickness that it means that something is wrong with my baby.  I'm worried that I don't eat nutritiously enough or that the two Girl Scout cookies I had last night will cause my child to struggle with weight their whole life just as I have.

From what I understand, that worry about my child doesn't go away.  Ever.

Even for Halle Berry.

Monday, February 17, 2014

I don't even know where to begin...

Hi there!

So much has happened since I last wrote that part of me wonders whether it's even worth continuing on this blog...

First, the awesome boyfriend that I've known for years (and years) and was dating this summer?  Yeah...that didn't work out.  He is a fantastic person, but he has a significant drinking problem.  When he contacted me via Facebook, I specifically asked how long it had been and his answer was "a long time."  He also said that he and his ex had been over for "a really long time."  Turns out "a long time" is relative.  He stayed sober the entire time we were together, but when I left for a trip in the fall, I came back home to find him completely blotto-ed on my couch.  I nursed him back to health (which was probably the most traumatic experience of my life) and then took him to his parents.  He hasn't been able to stay sober for longer than 3 weeks since then and even then I think that was only one stint.

In some ways, it was hard to say goodbye to him.  Especially since I ostracized two people that meant something to me just to date him.  But going through what I did - all that worry and drama is just not healthy.  And I want a healthy relationship.  I might sound cold about it but I think that's because I've processed through it and to be honest, it feels like it happened "a long time ago."

Separately (and it's important that I stress that this is not linked to the breakup!), I resurfaced the thought about having a child by myself.  As you might remember (hello, post below from October of 2012), I've been thinking about this for a while and I did a LOT of soul searching in late summer to figure out if this was the right choice for me.

After researching lots of different methods, I found a choice that felt right to me.  I planned and was finally able to get the green light to try.

And I'm pregnant!

My first attempt worked and I'll likely give birth at the end of September.

I'm REALLY happy about this choice and sometimes feel overwhelmed...but from talking to my friends that have been moms, they all say it's normal.

It's tough to do this by myself.  I found out I was pregnant at 2 AM and called my mom and woke her up.  My first ultrasound where I heard the heartbeat had me in tears and more than a little wishful that someone else was there to share in my joy and relief.  I did record the heartbeat and sent it to my family.

My family? They're super happy.  Well, except for my dad, the doctor, whose first response after me telling him I was pregnant was, "You're kidding."  To be clear, he's known that I was going through the process...but I don't think he (or anyone really) expected it to take on the first try.

I'm not making it public on Facebook yet (so please refrain if you know me in real life).  I'll announce after I get the 12 week ultrasound.  I have a few more weeks to decide what to share and how.

There is a support group that I've joined - called Single Mothers by Choice.  They have a Denver chapter and almost all the women have been really supportive of me.  Others are jealous or just plain old cranky.  I guess they're allowed to be that way since they're pregnant too.

Anyway, I'm happy.  The baby is healthy.  And life is good.