Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Oprah would totally be proud...

Oh, hi there!

I get it - it's been nine thousand years since I've posted and who knows if anyone still reads this thing... and maybe in some ways I kind of like that idea.  I like being a little anonymous - being able to write my heart out while being completely truthful...and not worrying about who might read it and who might get their feelings hurt.

Because honestly?  This past year has been huge for me.  While I haven't been blogging here (or anywhere else, really), I've been struggling to find my own voice.

And what I found is that my voice doesn't have to be funny all the time.  It doesn't need to be loved like it once did. 

A LOT of crap has happened this past year.  Deaths, marriages, falling out with toxic people, a new job, and the cementing of new friendships.  Oh, and breaking up with Joe.

Those that know me IRL have probably already known that for a while.  But those that didn't might be asking what the Sam Hill happened.  And sometimes I really don't know.

Probably we shouldn't have continued dating after some red flags were shown.  Probably we shouldn't have moved in together.  And probably I should've left him a year and a half ago when trust was broken.  But I didn't.

Sometimes it was easier to bury my head in the sand and pretend that I could will the problems to be better; that I could make it work for the both of us.  I'm sure there were times when he felt the same way.

But in the end, there was really only one decision - and that was to end things.

And oh, how we did.  Right in the middle of our couples therapist's office.   Ummm...yes.  We weren't married and we were already seeing a therapist together.  Like I said, there were some red flags.  But when you're living together and you truly love the person, wouldn't you want to try whatever it took to repair it if you could?  Well, I did.

Anyway, it sucked.  Hard.  Mostly because he was in so much pain and I knew that anything that I tried to do to mitigate it would just make it worse in the long run.  So, he left.  Right in the middle of the session.  And I sat stunned on the couch wondering what to do next.

The subsequent month or so that he didn't want to have anything to do with me was really craptastic. 

But my life is decidedly NOT craptastic.  It's lovely.  I bought a house in Sloan Lake (an area of Denver)..and I love it.  Even though it's had some issues since I moved in, it's fantastic.  I love the quirky kitchen and the privacy that it holds.  I love the fact that it's a few blocks to the lake.  I love that my stuff (which had been in storage for a year and a half) fits in it wonderfully.

I love that I feel at home in my house.   And after all the soul searching, I love how I feel at home in my skin.

I love how free I feel and how optimistic I am about the future.  And honestly?  I love not worrying about Joe all the time; I love being able to feel free to do what I want when I want how I want.

I'm back in El Paso for the week of Thanksgiving - hanging out with my sisters, mom, and new brother-in-law.  It's lovely.  For the first time in a long time, it feels like it takes less effort to be me.  I can just be.

And in case you're wondering, I am dating.  I'm so new into it, they've pretty just been a lot of first dates.  I've gotten to know a few men who seem to really enjoy getting to know what makes me unique.  It's been fun to feel fresh, alive, and sexy.  It feels great to be healthy enough to let the guys with issues, the ones I would've wanted to reach out and help, pass by and instead choose to interact with the ones that seem like they're not looking for someone to complete them.

I may not ever be someone's wife.  I may not ever be someone's mother.  But I'm enough without those titles.

I miss posting here.  I miss writing about the crazy dates, the funny stories, and my life that doesn't have to do with living or being healthier. 

So perhaps I'll show up here more often.