Overheard at work this morning...

Person A: Ha ha ha...I figured it out! This should just show you that you need to shut up FOREVER. And you should also know that I am sosoooooo smart. I bet you thought I wasn't going to get it and that I was dumb. Well, I'm not. I'm smart. I AM SMART!

Person B: I beg to differ.

In other news, the Perlious Puddin' Pig Out is still on for tomorrow at lunch. I'm actually going to be off work next week due to a trip down to my mom's for Thanksgiving. I can't think of a better way that I'd like to start my vacation than with the viewing of two grown men make themselves sick on pudding.

It's going to be great.

Like Donkey Kong...

That's right.

November 20, 2009: A day of infamy (and stupidity).

The Perilous Puddin' Pig Out is scheduled for this Friday at lunch.

And in case you need a refresher, the rules can be read here.

Want to lose your appetite? Read this post.

First of all, consider this line as a warning: you will be grossed out in reading this post. So if you're eating, do yourself a favor and just stop. Stop reading or stop eating. Although I know I'm not a doctor, but pretty sure that you probably shouldn't be doing both.

Okay, then.

To lay the groundwork, you should probably know that my work place is full of complete idiots. It's full of people that ACT like idiots, but I also believe that if you tested our IQ, we wouldn't exactly score highly.

So one of the guys from "The Perilous Puddin' Pig Out" (that has yet to occur) accepted a dare today.

The dare? Eat two fully loaded Qdoba burritos. Fully loaded meant that the burrito had to contain beans, rice, a protein, a salsa, cheese, lettuce, and some sort of liquid-ish topping (queso, sour cream, or guacamole).

One burrito was 1.48 pounds and the other was 1.5 pounds. And he finished both in 28 minutes.

So, I encourage you to think about that. Just think about all of that food filling up your stomach. And think about that the food was THREE POUNDS AND that the sheer volume of the food is pretty substantial.

Just the thought of that has me nauseous.

So the rest of us (the spectators, if you will) started questioning which would be harder to do - eat three pounds of food or drink three pounds of liquid.

So, because we were all having a SCIENCE based discussion, he opted to drink 30 ounces of water too.

The result? He gained 5 AND A HALF POUNDS in 32 minutes.

So think about that. Can you imagine how full he is right about now? Like, if he leaned down to tie his shoes, you KNOW he'd be urping up something.

The worst part is that halfway through his second burrito, he paused, and spit something out into a napkin. Then he calmly walked over to the trash can and threw the napkin away.

When questioned what he did, he said, "Um, I'm pretty sure that was a fingernail."

But remember, I said that he ate two whole burritos. So this means that he found a human fingernail in the burrito AND THEN HE FINISHED IT ANYWAY.

I'll be having nightmares tonight, I'm sure.

And lemme' guess...you've lost your appetite, no?

Official Rules for the Perilous Puddin' Pig Out

You asked for it...

Now before we get down to it, I need to tell you that I didn't come up with these rules at all. First of all, there are many typos in the thing, including some weird grammar choices. I tried to correct as many typos as possible - with punctuation - but I didn't do anything with the word choices. Since I have actual work to do today, I just typed the damn thing, even down to using numbers instead of spelling out the word, as what is on the sheet. Since I have English teachers that read this blog, I highly recommend you taking a shot of whiskey before reading this. Trust me...

Secondly, had I come up with the rules? They would've been a lot funnier. But because they're men, they wanted to handle it themselves.
======================

Official Rules and Release for the 1st Annual* "Perilous Puddin' Pig Out"

1. This is to be a timed event. The time shall be 1 hour.
2. 24 closed cups of pudding shall be set in front of each competitor.
3. The winner will be determined by most cups consumed in one hour or if all competitors finish their allotted 24 cups, the winner will be determined by the fastest time.
4. An automatic win will be given if a competitor can finish his 24 and then reach into his adversary's stack, snatch away a 25th cup, and finish the 25th cup from said adversary's stock pile. This will be known as the "Puddin' o' Shame" victory.
5. All pudding must be kept within the confines of the competitors for at least 30 minutes after completion of the 1 hour alloted time. Any purging of pudding will be considered forfeiture and victory will be awarded to the non-purging party.
6. If all competitors "give up the goods," a draw will be declared with no winner being named.
7. A standard will be established for a "clean cup." This standard will be in view of both competitors. Any cups in question of being cleaned will be judged by an impartial 3 person panel. All judgements are final and no whining will be permitted.
8. Utensil will be competitors choice, including and up to no utensil at all.
9. Competitors shall sit side by side facing the spectators. This has been established by, and with respect to, the "Nathan's Hotdog format."
10. Water may be used to lubricate the gullet during the 1 hour competition.
11. No physical contact between competitors will be permitted during the 1 hour, but it is encouraged and appreciated before and after.
12. Taunting and "smack talk" is required up to, during, and after the competition.

I hereby being of sound mind and fantastic specimen of competition eating body, freely engage in this eating contest. I understand that the results of consuming massive quantities of pudding could include (but is not limited to): projectile vomiting, sugar coma, or even death. I agree to hold {our company's name} and any of it's employees harmless in the event that any negative impact befalls me as a result of my participation in this event.

And then it's signed by the two competitors who have the nicknames of "Jus' Puddin'" and "Sir Eats a Lot."

===============

I think it is line 10 that is cracking me up the most.

But you know, the guys that are doing this are pretty damn funny. They're taking it really seriously... in fact one of them is going to start stretching out his stomach with tonic water the week before.

You should've seen them trying to eat the six saltines in a minute, it was intense. WAY more intense than saltines ever should be.


*Yes, I know. How can it be a 1st Annual?

From the folks who brought you the pudding challenge

Yesterday at lunch, one of the guys said that you burn more calories running than biking. Someone else at the table disputed that.

Long story short? Those two guys are having a foot race today at lunch.

It's a three mile course clearly mapped out and the winner gets bragging rights.

In case you're wondering, I'm not really sure how the winner of the race helps solve the mystery as to which activity burns more calories, but apparently it does. Also, I thought the term "foot race" meant that it was a shorter course, but because they're guys they wanted to prove their stupidity manliness by running more than they ever do.

Yes, you read that right. Neither one of them run or jog.

One of the guys racing is 185 pounds, but he rides his bike to and from work (about 13 miles each way) regularly. The other is 140 pounds, with severe asthma, severe allergies to many pollens found around our building, and he does virtually no physical exercise at all. It may seem cruel to pit these two against each other, but the 140 pound guy? He's totally the one that said that he could beat anyone at the office. He's also the guy that has the jackass award at his desk about 95% of the time. In fact, he's the reason why the jackass has a shirt.

Some people never learn.

Also, if you're really curious about how many calories you burn during activities, go here.

In other challenge news, there have been some pretty articulate rules drawn up for the pudding challenge, which has been renamed as "Perilous Puddin' Pig Out". I personally find them hysterical. Let me know in the comments if you want to see them and I'll post them.

Why I'm glad I work with a bunch of guys

I work with a bunch of guys.

In general, they're not really sensitive. They are smelly and a lot of the conversations in the lunch room revolve around topics that I would be embarrassed to talk about in front of my mom. Also, I can't say the words "duty" or "number two" without being interrupted with people saying what I just said and giggling.

A few months ago, we had a saltine eating contest - where a lot of people tried to eat 6 saltines in a minute. And trust me, after seeing it NOT happen, please know it is a LOT harder than it sounds.

Today, Larry was in the lunchroom talking about his pudding cup. And no, that's not code for anything.

Somehow the conversation spiraled and people started placing bets on how many pudding cups they could eat in an hour. Anyway, lunch ended with the agreement that we're going to have a pudding eating contest between two people who would rather eat pudding until they puke than let the other guy win.

Rules have been established. The pudding funding has been approved and the time of day has been determined.

All that's left is the crying. Oh, and the vomiting of pudding.

It's going to be great.

Reclaiming the women's locker room

I work with mostly men.


I am the only woman who is active in our office and therefore I'm the only woman who uses the women's locker room. Due to our disproportionate ratio of men to locker room space, they have been plotting to take over our locker room. About a year ago, they came to each woman in our office and asked if they could use it - under the condition that if we wanted to use it, we would get first dibs. Despite a couple of scuffles to get to the locker room first, they've held pretty true to their word. I've used said locker room several times - but it's only been to change clothes for a run at lunch or to get ready to go to the gym after work.

But as I've stated before, yesterday was Colorado's Bike to Work Day, and that meant that I would need to keep a change of clothes and toiletries in the actual lockers. That's when I realized that our guys had taken over every locker.


So I decided to take one of the lockers back (and yes, I asked before I removed their stuff).

Since the locker that I got was a top one, I couldn't really pee on it to mark it as my space. So I did the next best thing.

In case you can't tell, we've got Vanilla Ice at the top (complete with shaved eyebrows! Word to your mother!)

The cool Cory/Cory combo (Haim and Feldman) AND Davy Jones (after all, he is so very dreamy)

...and last, but certainly not least, we've got "The Hoff" - circa 1980's where manscaping was a very distant thought.Yup. I think this locker is mine.

Nice try

So I went on a date this past weekend with a guy that is actually quite the pompous ass.

But he's hot.

So I was telling a guy at work about it and he said that if he's that hot, I should "hit it and forget it."

I cocked my head to the side and said, "Do you mean, hit it and quit it? Because otherwise you might be trying to sell me a rotisserie chicken cooker where I should SET it and forget it."

No, I'm not on any drugs of any kind (not that there's anything wrong with that)

I've been challenging myself to write about whatever is on my mind - to not censor as much as I have been in the past. I know, you're wondering how the zit post made it past the censor sensors...and all I can say is that I DON'T KNOW. The censor sensors are apparently faulty. The result? Posts like this. Consider it my gift to you.

--------------------------------------------

I thought about writing a poem called "Ode to Reduced Fat Cheese Nips" where somewhere within the prose, there would be something about Cheese-Its tasting like complete crap and how they are not at all on the same level as Cheese Nips.

But then I realized that my creativity was blocked by the age-old "Cheese Nip deficiency." It seems to be a medical condition. Sadly, the only cure is to eat some. What? It's SCIENCE. And I can't argue with that.

So I ate a couple of handfuls and now I've got this:

Ode to Reduced Fat Cheese Nips

by Anne Not Kennedy

Oh Cheese Nips

You are so very tasty.

I like you a lot.

Get in my belly now.

It's a work in progress...and as every creative person knows, you can't really rush it. I don't want to give a bunch away, but let's just say there is also a song in the works too.

Just so you know, it was consensual...

Alright, yes.

That is a picture of a guy in a box.

What can I say? It was a slow day.

*for those that noticed my title of this post before I changed, it, I'm not a COMPLETE idiot. Or at least, that's what I'm claiming.

Coolest. Name. Ever.

Today we got a fax from this guy:

I'm sure someone knows if it's illegal that I'm posting this guy's name and signature or not. But for now, I don't care.

I picture him looking like this:

In case you can't tell, he's getting ready to ask me to pet his monkey.

Rave or relaxation? You decide.

"Bob" received a gift at Christmas time. The gift was a water fountain thing...you know, like for relaxation/meditation purposes. Personally, I can't imagine having something running water at my desk all day - mostly because running water makes me want to pee...and they frown on peeing at your desk at my work.

Anyway, the water fountain (is that what it's called?) broke. And it started making a lot of grinding noises, which apparently are not relaxing. So "Bob" went out and bought a new one. It looks like this:
In case you can't tell, that's an orb of power on top of the three tiered water fountain thingie. It's got fluorescent lights that pour out of the rotating orb - giving it an almost rave-like feel. I don't know if it came with a hit of acid or not, but it seems like having that next to my desk would make me want to only listen to Erasure. Which, I have to admit, I want to do pretty much all the time anyway.

Seriously...if you listen closely, you can hear "It's Raining Men." I'm just saying.

So in order to take a picture of the machine, I had to tell "Bob" that I wanted to have my own relaxation picture in my cube. And since "Bob" is so helpful, s/he was all "You should take a picture of Martin's rock garden too!" So I had to.

So here is Martin's rock garden:And now my deception is complete.

And we love you, too.

This morning I was checking my email...and I overheard one of our young, new hires talking to a customer. At the end of the conversation, he said, "Okay. I'll fax that to you. I love you too. Bye."

And I was all, "Did you just tell that guy you loved him?"

Panic came over his face and he tried to think of what he might've said that SOUNDED like "I love you too" but came up with nothing.

He's trying to come up with reasons to not call this guy back. I've tried telling him that playing hot and cold like that is just mean. I mean, you can't just ignore someone after you say it... that's just not good customer service!

So I made a sign to hang on the outside of my cube.

It has the name of our company and then:
Largest Valve Manufacturer in the World...and we love you, too.

I'm thinking of having new business cards made up.

Learning at work

Some co-workers and I were having a conversation about Obama's recent closure of Guantanamo Bay.

As we're wrapping up the conversation, a co-worker asked a question...

Mark: So wait, what *is* waterboarding anyway?
Me: Mark, I'll show you later.
Mark: Ha ha...that's what she said.
Ryan: It's actually a bedroom activity.
Mark: No....that's can't be right? Can it?
Me: Nothing about waterboarding is right.
Ryan: Then you're doing it wrong.

And.....SCENE!

Having sex in a pan

Remember the last time Lance and I played each other in Fantasy Football?

This past week, we played in the finals...and before that we made the same bet as last time. The loser has to be the girl and make something sweet and delicious from the kitchen.

I won.

So Lance made a thing that Larry called "Sex in a Pan." I'm never had sex in a pan, so I can't quite comment if they taste the same.

However, Lance was not quite as creative as I was in the decorating part.

Here is how the dessert looked when it came to work:

After a quick bout with Microsoft's Paint application, we have what I think Lance would've written on the dessert...if he had hot pink icing:

Mmmmmm....victory tastes good.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

I know some of you *think* you know how dorky I am. But the truth is, I am a HUGE dork.

A month or so ago, I was talking to Larry (the guy that hired me and the guy that is sort of my boss). I was telling him a story about something COMPLETELY unrelated to dorkiness. Only I said the phrase, "So my friend Will, whom I met at Space Camp..." and Larry stopped me and made a huge fuss about how dorky I was. I insisted that going to Space Camp was super cool - especially when I was in 7th grade. I will save my space camp travel adventures for another post, but suffice it to say, I was thrilled. And there were CUTE boys there. Like Kyle. (sigh) He was dreamy.

Anyway, Larry thought this was funny. So he took my picture of my mascot for fantasy football (which was this):

and put his own version up over it (which was this):

In case you can't tell, my new mascot is wearing a space helmet and carrying a light saber. Despite several statements of how "Star Wars" is not the same as "Space Camp," everyone thought it was funny. And besides, the mascot looks cute in any thing. So I kept the picture up. My picture of me in glasses in my cube from earlier even shows it - look!

Fast forward to this morning... the guy from the receiving department walks in the door with a HUGE package. I, being the smart ass I am, started asking in an annoying way if the package was from Santa and for me. About 15 times I asked.

Finally the warehouse guy turns around and says, "Well, I'm not sure which Anne it's for" (there are two Anne's in my office).

And I see that the package looks like this:

My heart literally lept inside me! I was disappointed that Santa didn't know how to spell my name, but depending on the gift inside, I was prepared to forgive him.

I opened up the package only to find a light saber! :)

And a note from Santa!

The note says:

Dear Anne,
Even though youhave not been all that good this year, I could not help but to give you a little something. I know it has been a few years since "camp" but I thougth maybe this would spark your Jedi ways again. Try to be a little better this year so I can do more for you next Christmas.
Love always,
SANTA

And I think that proves something significant.

Santa DOES know how to spell my name. It's just his elves that messed up on the package.

Why you should join Facebook and why my friends want to de-friend me

I'm a smart ass. This we know.

But once upon a time, a long long time ago, I wasn't such a smart ass - at least not out loud. I mean, I still thought the same comments, but for some reason I tried to not let others know, for fear they would think I was bullying them.

These days, I've embraced my smart-ass-ness. I really just want to be funny. I am never a smart ass with the intent to hurt someone's feelings. So if I find out that it offended them, I am quick to say I'm sorry.

But the thing is, some of my friends from a long time ago don't know that. And so now I'm on Facebook and I can't help being a smart ass. BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.

So like this morning... I was on Facebook and saw a "friend" (I'll call him Sam Bird - but that is clearly not his name) who had a picture of his two little kids. His kids, for the record, are cute. I mean, I'm not sure if they're cute in the face or not, but their bodies are cute. Here is the picture.

Cute right? But also, really funny to me. So I posted this comment:

"Okay - after being on here a week, I decided to break down and ask.
Is your daughter:
a) stuck in a pumpkin
b) eating the shell of a pumpkin
c) throwing up the everclear that you put in her bottle in the most convenient place (i.e. a recently hollowed out pumpkin)?"

His response:
"Ha, hi Anne, it's been a long time.
No, when your 2.5 your arms are short enough that when you reach to the bottom you head happens to come in contact with the top of the pumpkin."

Gramatical errors aside, I think his response is funny. First, um...yeah, I did not actually think you spiked your kids' sippy cup. Because that's just mean. Or very helpful and useful. I don't quite know because I don't have kids.

What I do think is VERY funny is his first line: Ha, hi Anne, it's been a long time. As in, "Boy Anne, you are not funny. And quite honestly, you exhaust me. It's been a long time, but not long enough if you're going to post comments like that on pictures that I love of my innocent kids. Also, I'm de-friending you."

So there you have it. If you haven't joined Facebook (cough cough - that means you) you are missing out on me posting smartass comments on YOUR photos.

And that is the gift that keeps on giving.

That's what she said

My co-worker had to bring in his almost 3 year old daughter today. She is adorable. She has the BIGGEST eyes ever...like she really looks like Dora with her Disney character sized eyes.

Anyway, she can't pronounce things just right yet, but when she comes by she happily sings and hums and babbles while her daddy is working in the cube right next to mine.

Today, a few of us were talking to her - asking about Santa, etc. All of the sudden, she pointed to one of the guys and shouted, "You are a penis!" All of our mouths dropped open and we looked to the dad as to what we should say or do.

Apparently, she means to say "peanut" (which is an endearment her parents use) but can't quite get that those words are different.

I think they call that being a poor sport

Remember this post?

Well, since I lost the bet, I came through. I wanted to make something yummy for those in the office but I still wanted to mock Lance. Because I'm a sad, small person. :)

So here is the final result.

I wanted to make sure that the people knew that I spelled something, but I felt a little weird spelling out "sucks" for everyone at my office to read.

So, if you follow the arrows, you'll be able to read the second word. The third and fourth words (BECAUSE GOOD GRIEF - "A LOT" IS TWO SEPERATE WORDS!) will follow in the same zig zag pattern. I put the smiley on there mainly because "I'm just saying" wouldn't fit. Besides, everything is better with vodka smileys.

And in case you're wondering, there are toothpicks in some of the cupcakes so that I could cover the dish with tinfoil and my hard work of the design wouldn't get mucked up.

Reason # 485 why my co-workers will not miss me if I find a new job

I notice that I'm getting a call from a local outside sales guy for our company who always dials me directly rather than going through our receptionist. Like for a year...he dials me directly. No need to go through the receptionist EVER. I often give him crap and assume that my joke will not fool him for a moment.

I was wrong.

Me: [name of company], this is Anne

Him: Uh...yeah, Anne [last name that is NOT Kennedy],please.

Me: Sure, may I ask who's calling?

Him: David [his last name that is also not Kennedy].

Me: Hmmm...I don't have that name down as acceptable names to patch through.

Him: What? I'm a TSR (stands for technical sales rep) for [name of company]. It's me, David. David [his last name]

Me: Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else. Hold please.

Me (after a minute of humming boring hold music): Looks like I found her. Let me patch you through.

Me: [name of company], this is Anne.

Him: Hi!

.....and SCENE!