Official Rules for the Perilous Puddin' Pig Out

You asked for it...

Now before we get down to it, I need to tell you that I didn't come up with these rules at all. First of all, there are many typos in the thing, including some weird grammar choices. I tried to correct as many typos as possible - with punctuation - but I didn't do anything with the word choices. Since I have actual work to do today, I just typed the damn thing, even down to using numbers instead of spelling out the word, as what is on the sheet. Since I have English teachers that read this blog, I highly recommend you taking a shot of whiskey before reading this. Trust me...

Secondly, had I come up with the rules? They would've been a lot funnier. But because they're men, they wanted to handle it themselves.
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Official Rules and Release for the 1st Annual* "Perilous Puddin' Pig Out"

1. This is to be a timed event. The time shall be 1 hour.
2. 24 closed cups of pudding shall be set in front of each competitor.
3. The winner will be determined by most cups consumed in one hour or if all competitors finish their allotted 24 cups, the winner will be determined by the fastest time.
4. An automatic win will be given if a competitor can finish his 24 and then reach into his adversary's stack, snatch away a 25th cup, and finish the 25th cup from said adversary's stock pile. This will be known as the "Puddin' o' Shame" victory.
5. All pudding must be kept within the confines of the competitors for at least 30 minutes after completion of the 1 hour alloted time. Any purging of pudding will be considered forfeiture and victory will be awarded to the non-purging party.
6. If all competitors "give up the goods," a draw will be declared with no winner being named.
7. A standard will be established for a "clean cup." This standard will be in view of both competitors. Any cups in question of being cleaned will be judged by an impartial 3 person panel. All judgements are final and no whining will be permitted.
8. Utensil will be competitors choice, including and up to no utensil at all.
9. Competitors shall sit side by side facing the spectators. This has been established by, and with respect to, the "Nathan's Hotdog format."
10. Water may be used to lubricate the gullet during the 1 hour competition.
11. No physical contact between competitors will be permitted during the 1 hour, but it is encouraged and appreciated before and after.
12. Taunting and "smack talk" is required up to, during, and after the competition.

I hereby being of sound mind and fantastic specimen of competition eating body, freely engage in this eating contest. I understand that the results of consuming massive quantities of pudding could include (but is not limited to): projectile vomiting, sugar coma, or even death. I agree to hold {our company's name} and any of it's employees harmless in the event that any negative impact befalls me as a result of my participation in this event.

And then it's signed by the two competitors who have the nicknames of "Jus' Puddin'" and "Sir Eats a Lot."

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I think it is line 10 that is cracking me up the most.

But you know, the guys that are doing this are pretty damn funny. They're taking it really seriously... in fact one of them is going to start stretching out his stomach with tonic water the week before.

You should've seen them trying to eat the six saltines in a minute, it was intense. WAY more intense than saltines ever should be.


*Yes, I know. How can it be a 1st Annual?