Monday, July 20, 2009

My Facebook friend could be Jesus or maybe a warewolf

Seven and a half months ago, I joined Facebook. Most days, I'm glad I did. Because like I wrote, since joining Facebook, I've been able to reconnect with people that I really do care about. In fact, the person that I mentioned in that post? I'm visiting him next month. In Seattle. With his wife. And their two kids. And he's trying to teach one of them to say "Happy Fun Pants" but it's a little tough for her. I believe she's 11.

On Facebook, I get to write smart ass things like this and this on people's pages. And wow. Sam? If you're reading this? I really am sorry about telling people that you spike your kids' drinks. I mean that you ALLEGEDLY spike your kids' drinks.

Here's the problem...with almost 300 "friends," I'm now getting some friend requests from people that I'd rather not be "friends" with. It's easy to say that you can just ignore them...and I get that. Really, I do. But when I do that, I feel guilty.

Because, what if they're Jesus?

You know what I mean, like that song "What if Jesus Comes Back Like That?" When I was a kid, we were told that we should be nice to everyone because what if it was Jesus coming back to test us to see if we really love people or if we just SAY we do so we can get more communion wine. If we shun Jesus, then we're really going to hell. It's like the mother of all pop quizzes.

As a kid, this concept lived pretty vividly in my brain. I lived in constant worry and guilt that if I didn't smile to the old guy at Wal-Mart that... POOF! Surprise! He's Jesus! And guess what Jesus got me at Wal-Mart? A lifetime of fire AND brimstone.*

That concept is a bit flawed really though...because if you think about it, why would Jesus come back as a hobo or a druggie or something to test us as? If He's so smart and He knows everything, then wouldn't He already KNOW how we're going to react?

You know, now that I think about it, it's a little silly to fear people because they might be Jesus.

It might make more sense to tell kids that you should be nice to everyone because some people are werewolves with a thin layer of people-skin on top. And if you're not nice, the werewolves will eat you.

First, it's a concept I think kids can get understand. Second, I think it might have a higher success rate, because while there's only one Jesus, there could be many werewolves. Third, it'd still get people to wear crosses around their necks - only this time for protection, instead of proclamation. Or are crosses supposed to ward of vampires?

Whatever, my point is, I feel passive aggressive by ignoring people's friend requests.

Perhaps I can ask them if they ARE Jesus first... if they're not, I'll just ignore them. Because Jesus can't lie, right? If it IS Jesus, I'll totally accept His friend request. Because after all, if that person IS Jesus, I kind of want to be able to sing this song sometime and have it be true.

* For the record, I feel that Wal-Mart is already a sort of hell.


Anonymous said...

Crosses only ward off vampires if they involve garlic. Like when Mulder held up two garlic bread sticks out of the pizza box in the "Bad Blood" episode of The X-Files. Although maybe not, because in that case the vampires got to him anyway...

Sally said...

I'm more the "Mary Magdalen" type myself ;)

Rachel said...

So slightly with your blog: my Direct TV install guy asked me (with a straight face): "So do you shop at Walmart? Because I think I have seen you there."

I replied "Yes, I have been there once. It was yesterday." (which is true...I had to break down and go there.)

So I raise your Wal-Mart is a sort of hell and raise it with: when Wal-Mart becomes a part of a pick up line, you have moved into a new sort of hell altogether.

Craig said...

Again - you have made my day. The laughing may never stop.

monica said...

OMG ... I was a little behind on your blog ... thank the universe that everyone is gone today ... I have been cracking up continually while catching up!! :-)

LOL ... seriously!!

POD said...

I know I'm late with this comment but I am not Jesus. And you can delete me from your friends on FB if you want. I decided NOT to re-connect with any old highschool people. I am friends with one woman I went all through elementary school and she is enough. No one else!
And I share something like 46 friends with my oldest son. IN that case, I need a life. Or his friends do.

Jesus is not on FB. He tweets.

happyfunpants said...

His kid is actually 3 I think. I was teasing her. And yes, I recognize that no *real* friend of Jesus would tease about a 3 year old.