Things I'm slightly scared of

Please note that this post is entirely different than another one that I could've written about things I am VERY scared of. That post would contain mice, having a thing attacking my face in my car, a re-occuring dream about the Honey Nut Cheerio Bee chasing me around a house, and roaches. The bug kind not the rolled up kind. Which is not to say that bug roaches can't be rolled up. I don't know. I've been too scared to try. Also, since I was looking for pictures of the bee, the best one was of him in the Macy's parade. A HUGE BEE AMONG PEOPLE. That would be terrifying for me.

Anyway, after my last post and even getting a comment from one of the gals FROM BlogHer, I am a little nervous about how I accused them of not putting my posts up for months. But the truth is, every time I looked (which was often) I didn't see my headline...so I just assumed that there was one reader for each group of bloggers. And the one assigned to me died. Or she totally pissed someone off in corporate and they decided to blacklist her suggestions. Anyway, I feel like I should apologize, only I realize that I didn't really ever rant about it - I was just happy I was back and featured. So even though I WANT someone from BH to read it, I guess I'm a little in awe that they are people too - and can post on your blog. OOH! Maybe it's because it kind of reminds me of the thing you do in a bed (sleep) and # guy. Yep. Maybe that's it. Only I don't think Jenny would take a dump in my house. She seems rather nice.

Also, like Tom Rooney suggested in the comments, I now have lots of Christian ads on my blog. And really? That's way better than what they were before...but do you know how long it took me to get A-S-I-A-N P-R-O-S-T-I-T-U-T-E off of that side bar? Probably right up until they were replaced by ones about Christ. And despite my funny attempt at a prayer the other night (which was more accurate than you'd like to think), I actually am spiritual and a Christian. But somehow having that side bar spouting all of that makes me re-think what I'm typing about in my blog. Like if I had to link to all the times I KID about being drunk, I don't know that I could. I just hope that God realizes that he made me like this. Did anyone have a flashback of that "I learned it by watching YOU Dad!" pot commercial that used to play in the 80s when you read my last sentence? No? Just me? Okay then.

So the last thing that I'm slightly scared of is online dating. I have done some serious thinking about this, and I think it might be because my last significant relationship ended with him cheating. I've definitely forgiven him, but really...isn't that the ultimate rejection? The only other person after that relationship was one that couldn't really even be classified as a relationship. And let's just say that in some ways it was not safe, but in others, it was very safe. I didn't have to worry about us running off and getting married any time soon. I guess what I realized this morning is that I have a genuine fear about dating. And my associated fear is that by me standing on the sidelines (something I haven't really done too much of in my life) of the dating game, players are passing me by - good ones that I could have a genuine relationship.

What am I doing about it? I made myself join match.com a few nights ago. So far I've had 550 views...which in my mind is actually quite good. I've had three emails and one wink from those 550 views. Which tells me that my profile picture must be rockin' but either my verbiage sucks or my other pictures suck. Or maybe it has nothing at all to do with me, but rather there just isn't any chemistry in our two profiles. AND this is where I start worrying that it IS about my weight. Which sucks big time. I want to turn off the idea that things get better when I lose weight. That when I'm thin and healthier, guys will fall all over themselves getting at me.

Is my fear based on rejection? Is it based on the idea of being successful and actually having a life that consists more of work, Facebook, blogging, and taking pictures of stupid things in El Paso? WHAT is it?

I don't even know. But I've resolved to figure it out. I can't exactly be healthier in my mind, body, and soul if I leave this be. I need to fix my fear of dating. AND more importantly I need to stop the mindset of how much better and easier things will be when I'm thinner. Because that has an association with it - that being me as I am now is not enough. AND I AM. I just need it to sink in.

P.S. Sorry this post is so long. It didn't start out with that intent. Thanks for bearing with me.

At least I've got that going for me...

Remember that song by Matthew Wilder? "Ain't nothin' gonna' break my stride?"

Well...last night I DID have the strangest dream...but I didn't sail away to China to find ya' even though you had to get your laundry clean.

Side note: I loved that song as a kid. It was about laundry or so I thought. Not that I loved laundry or anything, but it was something that I could at least wrap my small mind around. Not like those songs about Sexual Healing or songs asking if I really wanted to hurt them and make them cry.

And...we're back!

So anyway, I had a weird dream last night. I was back at a high school reunion and my first task upon arriving was to participate as catcher in a softball game. I've never been to a reunion (I skipped my 10 year) so I can only assume that this is what goes on. Shortly thereafter, I made a game winning catch to have someone out and people cheered from the stands. It was nice to get some recognition for all the hard work I put into the game.

We were all in the dugout wiping sweat from our brows and I noticed some people who I genuinely missed. We started talking about their lives as a way to catch up - and they passed over pictures of their kids. I was so happy for them, that I literally started crying in my dream. I just was glad that kids had a good home - even if some of them looked like mutant turtle children. And I think I can pause so that we can all reflect on how mutant turtle children need good homes too.

So we went to a classroom where people were showing us on powerpoint slides what was new with them. One lady got up to talk about how she was on myspace and how wonderful that was. It got to me and I told the story about my uneventful life in a funny way. And people laughed and said that they missed me and they didn't know that I could tell stories like that. And I was all, If you like that, I've got loads of stupid stories on my blog. Everyone gasped and the teacher (uhh...because when you come back for class reunions apparently you should also still have a teacher to tell you what to do) asked all of us to write down my blog address. And they did.

And then I lived happily ever after woke up.

Now I recognize that that was silly, but it was so much better than all the you're-trying-to-take-a-test-that-you've-never-studied-for-and-oh-yeah-you're-naked-too dreams that I have from time to time.

I may not have an exciting life. I may not be where I thought I'd be at this age. But at least I'm comfortable being me...something that I certainly wasn't in high school (was anyone?).

Besides, the teacher recommended MY bog.

I'd hyphenate it

Last night I dreamed that I went to Boston to go see my friend Eliseo play in the Boston Symphony (which, I believe he still does). I only got to see the rehearsal, but he was playing every part... like he'd move from playing the tympani to the oboe. He was good...but it was STRANGE.

Anyway, leaving there, I happened to bump into McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey - only I didn't remember his real name in my dream). He was single in my dream and was clearly looking to date someone. And why WOULDN'T he want to date me? I mean, really.


So I gave him my number and parts of my address that I could remember in my dream. I was all...what town do I live in? Hmmm...it starts with an "a" (note: it does NOT)...I believe I wrote down Ashby thinking that I'd rather have him call than send me a signed picture from Tiger Beat magazine. And no, I don't know where a town named Ashby even IS.

So we went to his friend's apartment and he was trying to prove that it was hard to date people even though he's a celebrity. I was shocked. He sat down and got on the computer and typed his name: Derrek Fa**ot (an offensive term for gay people) in some search field on myspace - I guess to show me his profile? As he typed his name, I wasn't shocked that that was his last name - it's like I just knew that that was his name (because I couldn't remember that his name was Patrick Dempsey). But, I was disappointed. I mean, who wants that as a last name? Then I remembered thinking...well, he IS Derrek F@&&*! so really, can I pass this up?

My wedding plans...

I've been getting sick this week and even my best attempts to ward it off with Echinacea and garlic pills are not working. So I went to bed around 8:20 last night. YAY! :)

Last night I had several weird dreams (I'm sure it had nothing to do with the NyQuill that I took)...one of which was of my wedding. It wasn't one of those dreams where all you have are horrible nightmares of what goes wrong (although if I ever DO get married I'm sure that I'll have those leading up to it).

But the exciting thing is that apparently the dog that we had when I was a kid (a Doberman named Lear) will be there.

That'll be good. I haven't seen her in decades. :)