Things I'm slightly scared of

Please note that this post is entirely different than another one that I could've written about things I am VERY scared of. That post would contain mice, having a thing attacking my face in my car, a re-occuring dream about the Honey Nut Cheerio Bee chasing me around a house, and roaches. The bug kind not the rolled up kind. Which is not to say that bug roaches can't be rolled up. I don't know. I've been too scared to try. Also, since I was looking for pictures of the bee, the best one was of him in the Macy's parade. A HUGE BEE AMONG PEOPLE. That would be terrifying for me.

Anyway, after my last post and even getting a comment from one of the gals FROM BlogHer, I am a little nervous about how I accused them of not putting my posts up for months. But the truth is, every time I looked (which was often) I didn't see my headline...so I just assumed that there was one reader for each group of bloggers. And the one assigned to me died. Or she totally pissed someone off in corporate and they decided to blacklist her suggestions. Anyway, I feel like I should apologize, only I realize that I didn't really ever rant about it - I was just happy I was back and featured. So even though I WANT someone from BH to read it, I guess I'm a little in awe that they are people too - and can post on your blog. OOH! Maybe it's because it kind of reminds me of the thing you do in a bed (sleep) and # guy. Yep. Maybe that's it. Only I don't think Jenny would take a dump in my house. She seems rather nice.

Also, like Tom Rooney suggested in the comments, I now have lots of Christian ads on my blog. And really? That's way better than what they were before...but do you know how long it took me to get A-S-I-A-N P-R-O-S-T-I-T-U-T-E off of that side bar? Probably right up until they were replaced by ones about Christ. And despite my funny attempt at a prayer the other night (which was more accurate than you'd like to think), I actually am spiritual and a Christian. But somehow having that side bar spouting all of that makes me re-think what I'm typing about in my blog. Like if I had to link to all the times I KID about being drunk, I don't know that I could. I just hope that God realizes that he made me like this. Did anyone have a flashback of that "I learned it by watching YOU Dad!" pot commercial that used to play in the 80s when you read my last sentence? No? Just me? Okay then.

So the last thing that I'm slightly scared of is online dating. I have done some serious thinking about this, and I think it might be because my last significant relationship ended with him cheating. I've definitely forgiven him, but really...isn't that the ultimate rejection? The only other person after that relationship was one that couldn't really even be classified as a relationship. And let's just say that in some ways it was not safe, but in others, it was very safe. I didn't have to worry about us running off and getting married any time soon. I guess what I realized this morning is that I have a genuine fear about dating. And my associated fear is that by me standing on the sidelines (something I haven't really done too much of in my life) of the dating game, players are passing me by - good ones that I could have a genuine relationship.

What am I doing about it? I made myself join match.com a few nights ago. So far I've had 550 views...which in my mind is actually quite good. I've had three emails and one wink from those 550 views. Which tells me that my profile picture must be rockin' but either my verbiage sucks or my other pictures suck. Or maybe it has nothing at all to do with me, but rather there just isn't any chemistry in our two profiles. AND this is where I start worrying that it IS about my weight. Which sucks big time. I want to turn off the idea that things get better when I lose weight. That when I'm thin and healthier, guys will fall all over themselves getting at me.

Is my fear based on rejection? Is it based on the idea of being successful and actually having a life that consists more of work, Facebook, blogging, and taking pictures of stupid things in El Paso? WHAT is it?

I don't even know. But I've resolved to figure it out. I can't exactly be healthier in my mind, body, and soul if I leave this be. I need to fix my fear of dating. AND more importantly I need to stop the mindset of how much better and easier things will be when I'm thinner. Because that has an association with it - that being me as I am now is not enough. AND I AM. I just need it to sink in.

P.S. Sorry this post is so long. It didn't start out with that intent. Thanks for bearing with me.