Thursday, July 29, 2010

Uh, your participle is totally dangling...

I hate writing.

Well, let me clarify.  A lot of me hates writing.

See, when I was a kidlet, I was super smart.  Incidentally, however smart I was as a kid, I think I peaked.  I think I just never got smarter.

When we were little, my whole family moved from Colorado (where I was born) to Germany.  And in Germany, someone had me tested.  I was "gifted" and encouraged to leap up a few grades.

My mom decided that developmentally, I probably shouldn't.  She didn't want me to be teased or something.  Which is funny because HELLO!  I was teased like NON STOP even when I was in the correct grade.  What the heck was going to stop people from doing such a thing just because I was in a grade higher than mine?  Was she worried that they would use bigger words than "doo-doo head?"

Anyway, the concession between teachers and my mom was that they would put me in higher math classes during part of the day.  That way I could be brainy smart for some of the day but then a regular kid during most of the day.  Like Peter Parker.  Only without a penis.  And more nerdy.  And less super spidey abilities.  But other than that, just like Peter Parker.*

The effect of me going to the smarty math classes was that I had to skip out on the "regular" English classes.  This meant that I never learned what a preposition was or why an adverb should be used in one place versus another.  So by my parents trying to make me Nerdy Math Girl, they made me Nerdy Math Girl Who Doesn't Know Crap About Her Own Language.  And NMGWDKCAHOL is a long abbreviation to put on a cape - no matter how big the girl.

So long story short (too late), I don't know crap about writing.  Anything that I do write correctly is because I know about patterns...and I can think about what I'm going to write or say, measure it against the way I've heard other people speak, and then repeat it like a parrot.

Now I want a cracker.

I'm worried that some person is going to pop up and comment something like, "ACTUALLY, everyone knows that an adverse adverb when pluralized belongs in the conjunction of the implied alliteration and the...." and then my head would burst into flames due to a) embarrassment and b) my brain can't take in all those English terms at once.  Obviously.  Because I'm pretty sure I butchered my mocking of English rules.  Scratch that.  I know I did.

So I'll make a deal with you.  I'll try to post more often here if you don't ever post a comment about how I'm using a pronoun or adjective incorrectly. Not that any of you WOULD, but I think I worry that I'm not a good enough writer.  You know, good enough to blog in my own blogspot.  That is free.  And that no one is obligated to read. And that I don't get a grade on.  (sigh) I get it.  I'm irrational.  But really, why else do you come here?

And I know some of you.  You guys are thinking, "But Happy Fun Pants!  You're posting on your other healthy living/weight loss blog almost ever day!  Why do the rules of writing not apply over there?"

My answer: THAT blog is for fatties.  The readers over there are my homies, my people.  And everyone knows that fatties stick's like the one thing I DID learn in my "regular" part of school. So, the last thing they're going to do is post a snooty comment about the misplacement of a modified verb... lest I eat them.


*Let the record show that I originally wrote Parker Posey instead of Peter Parker.  Man, I even suck at being nerdy!  The Babe nicely informed me that I was the most wrong ever (see comments below), but in my defense, how does she know that Parker Posey DOESN'T have a penis?  Or Spidey Sense?  I'm just saying it's a possibility.


Jen said...

DEAL as long as the same deal applies to my blog! I am awful with grammar, spelling editing ect. and I am a teacher!!!

I wrote a post on my crochet tutorials!! Hope they help you!! I didn't know you crochet!!

Misspudding said...


I had no idea you lived in Germany? Where? For how long?

The Babe said...

What do you mean, I can't criticize your grammar? It's all I'm good at!

While I'm feeling superior (and because my belly is much bigger than yours should you try and eat me), I thought I'd point out that you meant Peter Parker. Parker Posey is a cool, independent film actress and does not inherently allow her spidey sense to tingle. Although, she may be a Method actress, so perhaps I shouldn't speak out of turn.

Don't worry. Next time we go out somewhere and I force you to figure out the tip it's because I can't do it without using my fingers and toes to count. And restaurants frown upon gifted writers with stunted math abilities who remove their shoes at the table.


Rachel said...

If you want me to proofread for you, I can ;)

btw, I take off my nerdy grammar hat when I read anyone's blogs or emails ... otherwise my head would 'splode!

And, Anne is awesome at figuring out all sorts of hard math things, like tips and amounts off of clothing on a sale. I can only tell you that the sign should be 10 items or fewer...not less... which is totally lame. And nerdy.

Jenny said...

Mercy! Your writing makes me laugh. And you don't like writing! Aaawww, I think perhaps you do.