2) Most importantly, I'd get to write posts like this. You know, ones where you're kind of making fun of the baby, but the baby won't know. That post is hilarious and I've found myself reading it over and over because I'm laughing so hard. See, I think that people take their babies too seriously sometimes. And posts like this help me know that it's okay to mock people who don't know that you're mocking them. Wait. That can't be right.
3) They smell like...well technically they smell like what society and Proctor & Gamble have told us babies should smell like. But they smell delightful...when clean. Or at least not poopy.
4) There is nothing like the feel of a baby. And before you call CPS, just know that I'm talking about the complete love and trust that they lay on you as they fall asleep. It's absolutely miraculous and easily one of the best feelings ever. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a friend's house and got to hold this baby almost all night long. Through feedings, naps, and general jumping time. The naps though? Those were the best.
5) You get to teach them all sorts of things. Like, my friend Mikey's wife taught his daughter that Daddy's name was "doorknob." And that Halloween is so that the adults can get candy. You may think this is mean, but I think it's HILARIOUS. And harmless....at least for now. :) I mean, if I could get over the fact that Santa doesn't exist, then people can get over that Halloween might actually be so that the kids can eat candy too.
6) You get to pick their names. Unless you're on some sort of messed up reality show. And while I don't agree with naming your kid Sarah McCain Palin against your wife's wishes, it's still your right. Like, I'm trying to convince Lance to name his kid Gertrude Susan. Because Gertie Sue is a FUNNY name. Unless that's your name. In which case, it's so magnificent that I wanted to duplicate it. Lance's last name sort of sounds like Gertie so it's even funnier with his last name. For the record, my children will have the most beautiful names ever: like Unice, Dwightel, or Dieter.
7) You can get out of obligations. Seriously. Someone invites you to a party and you don't want to go? Blame it on the baby. "We would go...but you know...the baby needs his/her tummy time!"
8) You get to re-introduce your favorite books and movies to them and see the wonderment in their eyes. I think that'd be awesome.
9) If you get bored with them, you can drop them off. At least in Nebraska. They have a safe haven law where you can drop off your kids. I'm not sure if it's a "no questions asked" sort of deal or not, but hey - it's an out. Alright, I wouldn't actually drop off my kids - I mean, that's kind of horrible. All I'm saying is that if spanking is frowned upon, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling the kids "Keep this up, and we'll get in the car to Nebraska!" Threatening and frightening kids seem like two tactics that would totally work.
10) You get to realize just how horrible you were. This probably means that you thank your parents for not killing you when you markered all over the walls or tried to trade your baby sister for a jump rope.
I'm just saying...babies are fantastic. Why, I think I'd like to have me one of them someday.