Sunday, August 30, 2009

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly

I heart this song.

It's "Spinning" by Jack's Mannequin. My friend Lisa introduced me to it and I've loved it since my ears first heard the chorus.

As I was running the other day, this song came on and all I could think of was how much my life feels like this song right now.

I've started to see a therapist - mostly inspired by ghosts from my past and the desire to not be France.

Three things you might be interested to know about therapy are:
1) the couches are less comfy than you might think,
b) I don't think they allow you to lay down on couches anymore but I haven't worked up the courage to ask yet, and
iii) it's a lot of hard work. Because while the session is only 1 hour long, the progress really happens in the weeks between the sessions.

The result? Since I'm questioning multiple things about my life and my decision making capabilities right now, I'm finding that I'm more unsure about things that I normally not think twice about. Me being unsure means that I keep thinking about all the possible different solutions to whatever problem I'm facing. Over-thinking is putting it mildly, but I can't shut my brain off. The best way for me to explain it is when you start to learn that 1 + 1 is not 2 (as you've always believed), but 3, it's hard to grasp. Because not only does 1 + 1 equaling 3 blow your mind, but does that mean that anything you THOUGHT was 2, not really 2? And what happens if you add 1 to that? What number does that equal?

My mind churns and churns.

I'm making progress. I am. And I'm excited. Because at the core of it, the new things that I'm learning or re-learning opens a lot of possibilities. But I'm also more sensitive than what I've been in my life, or maybe I'm just in tune with my emotions more than I have been. I'm more unsure of myself so I'm finding myself looking to others for stability, acceptance, motivation, consistency, and warmth. And I'm probably needier. Scratch that. I know I'm needier. My goal is to try to spread that out to as many people as possible until I feel grounded again, which I hope is very soon.

Until then, I guess I'll just spin.

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