I am, of course, describing my friend Kris' baby. He was absolutely beautiful and fantastic. Holding him...well, we all probably know that there's nothing like the feeling of holding a baby - it's that sweet lump of structureless slouch (really, shouldn't I work for Hallmark?)...the one that tells you that they trust you implicitly, because they have to.
Aaron is the first in the Daniels' family (okay, well, the first for Kris and her hubby, Jeff) and was definitely planned. I remember he was crying and I as I was trying to soothe him I made some joke (really, me? making a joke?) at how that really wasn't hospitable of him as a host to cry. I also made some comment about how I really didn't know what I was doing. It was an honest statement and one that Jeff quickly replied with, "well, we don't know what we're doing either...but we're trying to figure it out."
Somehow that made me feel okay. I'm not even dating anyone, let alone married, let alone wanting to have a baby right now. So I can safely say that I'm not in a place where I feel like I would be a good mom. But what occurred to me is that even when you're planning on having a baby, when you're pregnant, or when you're a new parent, do you really FEEL like you're going to to be a great parent?
I'm not even sure why I'm blogging about this...except for the fact that it's been on my mind a lot today.
My baby fix was a way for me to remember that sometimes we don't have all the answers right now. I guess I think that sometimes, God gives us a job knowing that we'll grow into it. And somehow that transfers to my life. I don't have to be the perfect person now...but I can grow into a better version of me. And that maybe God doesn't expect me to live 100% the best way right now. In fact, maybe He's okay with where I'm at too.
I've worked a lot in the last several years, if not decade, of trying to accept myself for who I am. It's been a journey - and not always a pretty one. It's not even a slightly unique journey...but one that I'm dedicated to figuring out.