Saturday, February 16, 2008

One week

Remember that song by Barenaked Ladies entitled, "One Week?" Like a lot happened in that song...something about tantric sex and Sting (seriously, look up the lyrics, I don't make this crap up!). Anyway, it always causes me to reflect on the happenings of the past week...much like "Seasons of Love" from Rent make me think about the past year.

One week ago today, I didn't know that my fridge was broken (or that my TV wouldn't last the week). I didn't know what was going to come of my crush on "him" and I didn't know what my future would be with a different company. I still don't know those things...but I have figured out that some things are worth waiting for.

I'd rather wait to find that perfect job than to just take something that gets me out of my situation. And I'd rather wait to date someone I really like a lot versus whomever is handy at the moment. Ahhh..him. Have you ever met someone that you knew you were connected to on such a basic level? I've felt that for guys in the past...but it's been with people that I knew, just knew, we'd be friends for life. Like Patrick Painter, Jon Hey, Mike Garner, and Rex Vaughn. All for very different reasons, but they were there for me in a time of my life when no one else would do...and I was there for them in hopefully similar situations...but this guy? He's different.

Tonight I'm struggling with my feelings. Maybe all we're supposed to be is friends...and for now, that is enough. His perspective on things is refreshing...and I value his opinion a lot. I've been friends with mostly guys most of my life...so this isn't anything that's really new. But I also know that there are feelings on my side that have nothing to do with friendship.

I would never want to be the cause of a marriage failing. But one of my friends told me that before anyone cheats, there is a lot that has already gone wrong anyway. I'm not justifying adultery. I'm just saying that there is more to things than simple good vs. evil...that there may be more to the story where no one wins, no one is all right, and no one is all wrong.

I've never been married...I've never found someone that I wanted to keep...or someone that wanted to keep me. I *am* waiting for someone to get me...someone who doesn't mind the curves I have, who admires the loyalty and passion I bring to life, appreciates my sense of humor, and at least respects my willingness to pick up the pieces and try again...and again...and again. Someone who isn't intimidated by who I am - successes or failures. That person has never quite materialized. I can't really say that...I've had guys who have said that they felt that way...but I didn't feel anything remotely close to the same about them.

Look, my point is, things aren't easy and clear cut. That's what I've learned from this past week.

Things are tough, they're hard, and definitely not simple. Doesn't that make the happiness that we do find even sweeter? I don't know what will happen this next week (although I swear...if another major appliance breaks, I will FREAK the f--- out) but I'm hoping for more clarity...

5 comments:

McG said...

damn, girl.

Given the past week I figured out I'm not the best for these relationship type discussions.

but being Dr. Mike, here goes anyway. LOL

You're a smart women, and you what's at stake in this friendship. Be open to the possibilities and the risk. If he's ready to end the relationship, he will, you can't make him do anything. You can't make him leave anymore than she can make him stay.

Above all else, take care of Anne. :)

happyfunpants said...

(sigh) You're right. You usually are...at least about my life. :)

I guess that's why I'm so confused. I mean, if I sever all connections, does it really do any good when I can't get him out of my mind and heart?

Forget it...I'm joining a nunnery.

Wait, who am I kidding? They wouldn't take me either. :)

Anonymous said...

hey anne,

life sucks, huh?

well, i'm not thrilled that you're thinking about this relationship because you deserve better. you deserve someone who can give you all the time attention and care you want (but never ask for). but then again, you sound like you really like him...and that's something - after all, you have good taste. hee hee

in my experience, if he has these same feelings for you that he's already made up his mind to end his marriage. all that's left is accepting it. the doubt is already there, and like you said stuff had to have been wrong before you came along. you would not be the cause of the marriage ending. any guy you would be interested in should have more sense than that. either that or he's a complete jerk and i'll have to kick his ass.

look out for you and your best interests. i hate to rain on your parade because i'm sure that this seems attractive right now, but try to look at it logically too.

i'm here if you need to bounce some thoughts off of me.

--b.hanks

Anonymous said...

No, things aren't simple.

But he is married.

Since you've never been married, you don't know how it feels to know that people out there don't immediately end possibilities in their minds when they find that fact out. It is slightly appalling, and entirely disrespectful to an oblivious spouse. I'm sorry, hate me, but it is what it is.

happyfunpants said...

First, to the point of your comment, I agree - isn't it amazing to know that "the heart wants what the heart wants?" That somehow being logical about how much you should feel for someone isn't always possible? It's always been just as you've described with me...I found out they were with someone and it was like a light switch - I wasn't attracted to them after that. That's not so much the case on this one...

I've never been married...but I've also never talked to anyone who is married that hasn't thought about, dreamt about, or been attracted to (either physically, spiritually, or emotionally) someone else. To allow yourself to acknowledge the attraction allows yourself to be human. To bury your head in the sand telling yourself that it doesn't exist leaves you...well...in the dark, but of your own volition.

I don't hate that you wrote how you feel. There are obviously different ways of looking at this.

But I dislike that you apparently don't know me well enough to sign your comment. If you knew me well enough you'd know that I'd appreciate your advice...even if (especially if?) you challenged me to see things in a different way.

I may not necessarily be proud of what I'm thinking, but at least I'm brave enough to put it out there with my name attached.