One week ago today, I didn't know that my fridge was broken (or that my TV wouldn't last the week). I didn't know what was going to come of my crush on "him" and I didn't know what my future would be with a different company. I still don't know those things...but I have figured out that some things are worth waiting for.
I'd rather wait to find that perfect job than to just take something that gets me out of my situation. And I'd rather wait to date someone I really like a lot versus whomever is handy at the moment. Ahhh..him. Have you ever met someone that you knew you were connected to on such a basic level? I've felt that for guys in the past...but it's been with people that I knew, just knew, we'd be friends for life. Like Patrick Painter, Jon Hey, Mike Garner, and Rex Vaughn. All for very different reasons, but they were there for me in a time of my life when no one else would do...and I was there for them in hopefully similar situations...but this guy? He's different.
Tonight I'm struggling with my feelings. Maybe all we're supposed to be is friends...and for now, that is enough. His perspective on things is refreshing...and I value his opinion a lot. I've been friends with mostly guys most of my life...so this isn't anything that's really new. But I also know that there are feelings on my side that have nothing to do with friendship.
I would never want to be the cause of a marriage failing. But one of my friends told me that before anyone cheats, there is a lot that has already gone wrong anyway. I'm not justifying adultery. I'm just saying that there is more to things than simple good vs. evil...that there may be more to the story where no one wins, no one is all right, and no one is all wrong.
I've never been married...I've never found someone that I wanted to keep...or someone that wanted to keep me. I *am* waiting for someone to get me...someone who doesn't mind the curves I have, who admires the loyalty and passion I bring to life, appreciates my sense of humor, and at least respects my willingness to pick up the pieces and try again...and again...and again. Someone who isn't intimidated by who I am - successes or failures. That person has never quite materialized. I can't really say that...I've had guys who have said that they felt that way...but I didn't feel anything remotely close to the same about them.
Look, my point is, things aren't easy and clear cut. That's what I've learned from this past week.
Things are tough, they're hard, and definitely not simple. Doesn't that make the happiness that we do find even sweeter? I don't know what will happen this next week (although I swear...if another major appliance breaks, I will FREAK the f--- out) but I'm hoping for more clarity...