Here we go again...

I'm up.

And I should be sleeping.  Because in 5 and 1/2 hours I need to be up.

I have a busy week this week - and I actually had a pretty great day all things considered.  But I have a lot of stuff to do before going to bed.

I should feel satisfied.  I should feel like I've done enough today to warrant the reward of a fitful sleep.

  

But I don't feel that way right now.  Because going to bed means that I have to drift off to sleep and just before I get to sleep is when I am alone with my thoughts.  Going to bed means that I have to acknowledge the end of a day that wasn't as complete as what I'd like.  Going to bed means that I have to make tomorrow the third day on a trend that is inevitable.

(sigh)

"Who Needs Sleep?" by Barenaked Ladies

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she's three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found
With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Hala Hala Hala

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

[Repeat]

Beware....

I just let Chassis outside and didn't even make it out of the kitchen before I heard her barking.

My dog typically does not bark.  And when she does it's usually very hesitant...like "w...w....w....woof!"  So her barking caused me to look outside especially because she was pointing towards the neighbors that typically aren't there.

THIS is what is so scary.

If you can't tell from the photo, the red/orange thing is a top of a ladder.  

Please people - be aware.  They could be anywhere!

The photo of Chassis outside was taken right after I took the one of the ladder...she continued to bark at it even after I went over to it and started touching it - I literally tried to hug the ladder so she would know it was safe.  Apparently, you never can be too sure. :)

Just like Lance...only not

So, I've been promising that I would blog on my biking adventures...and so I will. :)

First, I bought the bike on Monday...and was excited about the purchase.  The quick ride on the paths by the bike shop helped me feel VERY excited about being able to get it home.  Sure, I had to take off the front wheel to get it in my MINI, and sure, I ended up scratching the inside of said MINI's C-pillar, but it's worth it, right?  

During lunch on Tuesday, I went to a different place where my co-worker swears they have great deals on biking accessories.  I walked out of there with a helmet (that actually allows ponytails through the straps!), a floor pump (complete with pressure gauge), as well as a couple other choice items that would make me safe and happy while riding said bike.  What I can say is that technology has changed quite a bit since I rode them two decades ago.  Grip shifters are now the thing - which makes them LOOK like bikes from our childhood but with the functionality of the 10 speeds.  And they shift so easily!  Remember that I said this, dear friends...it will come in handy later.  Oh, and the seats are more comfortable.*

Tuesday after work I rushed home to ride the bike.  I got on the joggabra (please, sometimes this is a workout in itself), set up everything (including my new iTunes playlist called "bike"), and set out - ready to ride to the huge REI that is by my place.  REI has many bike trails around it and according to my co-worker, I should be able to bike around there without a problem.  Sounds great... right?  Yeah, only not so much.

See, the problem with biking at REI is that you have to GET to REI.  Which means I have to (and sorry for those outside of Denver) bike down Zuni - across 29th (which turns into 15th), down the steep hill to REI.  

I start my biking with optimism.  I mean, there is a steady stream of "Whoa there!" going through my mind, but that's likely to fade, right?  Besides, Van Morrison's "Jackie Wilson Said" is streaming through my headphones...fun, upbeat...what can go wrong?

I realized as I was riding down there that I wasn't pedaling hardly at all...thus the return trip would be filled with not so much fun bouts of panting and cursing.  I decided that since I would be a hazard to....well...anyone around me that I should stick to the sidewalks.  Then I thought, "do people ride bikes on the sidewalks?"  I don't know.  Hell, when I'm in a car I barely pay attention to what the other cars on the road are doing let alone documenting if bikers are on the sidewalks or the streets.  Clearly, I'm too busy enjoying the baseline of "Gloria" to care.

Okay, so I'm on the sidewalk and I get to my first red light.  No problem.  I get off my seat (straddling my bike) and wait for the light to turn green so I can cross across 29th.  It does.  And I'm not kidding you EVERYONE in their cars at the light turns to look at me.  No pressure.  

So I get on the bike and I start pedaling.  Only I forgot that I put it in a much higher gear before stopping at the light.  I swear, I must've looked like a monkey trying to cross that street because I was pedaling SO hard while almost weaving.  I'm sure the people thought that I was going to swerve into their cars - I couldn't get enough momentum to ride straight!  I couldn't figure out the gear shifters in enough time to recover.  Just when the momentum started getting up there, I realized I was coming to the end of the street...and I started looking frantically for the ramp UP to the sidewalk.  No ramp.  The mantra of "Whoa there" changed quickly to "Oh SHIT!!!" over and over in my mind.  I can't jump the curb, I mean, who am I? Tony Hawk?  So I instead tried to jump off my bike only that didn't work and I almost wiped out.  I swear I heard the people in the cars laughing.  I can't blame them.  I would've too.  

So now I'm on 29th, on a road I've literally never even walked, and I notice that apparently this is where concrete demolition training must be held in the daytime.  There is not a straight path anywhere.  Jagged pieces of concrete are sticking out of the ground, cones litter the sidewalks, and are potholes (are they called potholes when they're on sidewalks?) the size of monster truck tires everywhere.  I have no choice other than to try to navigate my way over the smoothest bumps.  This is the only part of this blog where Lance Armstrong and I have any similarity because I'm not sure I can conceive children now after going over some of the terrain.  

Okay - I am officially now on 15th.  And I realize that the very steep sidewalk that I'm on is leading me along store front properties.  My mantra of "Oh SHIT!" has just changed to "Please God, don't let someone come out of those stores" because really?  There is no way I could avoid hitting them.  I end up going over an overpass - just me, on the sidewalk...where one side is 4-6 lanes of very busy rush hour traffic.  The other?  SPEEDING cars on 1-25 (hence, the overpass).  Fun...no pressure here.  I round the corner to get towards REI parking and note that a guy is waiting for the bus.  IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK.  Where is my sumo horn now?  He looks at me, must've seen the terror in my face, and wisely backs into the grass out of harm's way.  Over my headphones "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen is playing.  

I get to REI...but the battle to find the bike paths has only just begun.  

I'm finally able to locate said paths and start cruising down the path.  Sure, it took a lot of work to get here, but now that I'm done with that part, I can just enjoy this.  Right? 

No. 

Because it's now 6:30 in the evening.  The sun is setting along the Platte River and thus a time when any and all gnats must form in HUGE clouds all along the bike path.   I've discovered that I don't like the feeling of gnats hitting my face.  Also not a big fan of the taste of them.  The worst is when they get behind my sunglasses.  

Please, kind readers, take the time to picture what I look like if you were coming up the path to me on your bike.  I'm this big woman on a cute bike whose helmet is slightly askew.  I'm panting, I'm spitting out insects from the last cloud of gnats, only to cruise into a new swarm.  Me shaking my head like a crazy person means my torso shakes as well.  And like that stupid bone song from when we were kids says, if my torso is shaking, you know my arms are shaking.  This does wonders for my already floundering stability and I start wobbling on the bike.  Those grip shifters I mentioned earlier?  Yeah, well they do allow you to shift gears with the slightest turn of your grips... So my wobbling makes me want to grip tighter...and thereby I'm changing gears quickly.  I swear, during the 4,328 clouds of gnats, I almost hit two dogs, a group of 10 bikers clad in spandex, a family with the most Arian looking children ever, an old man who was running seemingly in place, a homeless person, and what looked like a raccoon.

That return trip?  It was just the way I thought it would be.  Full of panting, sweating, and finally the feel of success as I arrived home.

I've been out a couple of times since then and in some ways it's gotten better.  I'm dedicated to keep at it - and I hope that at some point it will get easier and I'll have figured out a better route to bike paths that are low on the gnat-meter.

*comfortable is a relative term.  Seriously, the seats have gotten bigger in the last 20 years.  Unfortunately, so has my ass.

Happy Birthday, Rachel!! :)

Today is my older sister's birthday. The big 3-5!!

And as an extra bonus to the presents she'll receive when I see her a week from today, I promise to send her the pictures from our trip to Mexico over MLK weekend.

Sorry for not sending them sooner....Sometimes I suck like that.

But I've picked out two pictures of us from that trip as the sun was starting to set on that Saturday night.

Once I figure out how to get my scanner in working order, I'll post some cute pictures of us as kids. And then you'll really be embarrassed.

Until then, know that I do love you and that I hope this year is your best year yet!!! :)

All the voices in your head.....calling Gloria!

I sang "Gloria" by Laura Branigan (btw, what kind of pop star name is that anyway?!??!) at the top of my lungs on the way home from work today.  I mean, I rocked it out.  I was two legwarmers and a headband away from kickin' it old school.

For the record, there *is* a good baseline when she starts signing "And you really don't remember..."  Not like Flea good...but like 80's good. :)

But it helped me know that I'm a dork....as if I needed reminding!

The end.

P.S.  What do you think?  Best blog ever??!?! :)  Hey, at least I wrote something....

It's more of a coral...

Alright, I wasn't honest with you.

On Sunday when I was writing about a new hobby I didn't write about the one that I have been thinking about for a couple of months. Biking.

Yes, I know - I have the physique of a cyclist. I get that all the time. :) But really, it seems fun, it'd be something to help me be healthier, and it'd be a great stress reliever.

So yesterday, my boss, Larry, and I went to Treads here in town and looked at the bikes. All during work, I checked out reviews and figured out the best bike for me, at this time. After work, I went back, test drove one, and bought it. It's so cute! :) I put the box around the part of the frame that helps show the detailing.
I'm not sure if you can see from the pictures, but it's a Trek Women's bike. It's a cross bike - good for riding on bike paths or a little bit of brush. It's technically "light salmon" but it looks like more of a retro orange. Not too wild about the color, but in this brand/level there was either this color or white. And I didn't want white. A friend asked if it was coral...and I'd have to say, yes...it's coral (that's my middle name for those who don't know). :)

I did ride it around yesterday -the bike shop had a bunch of bike paths next to it - so I took it out for about 30 minutes yesterday before I bought it. After a slight freak out that I would crash and go over my handlebars, I got the hang of it again and was riding like the cool person I am. :) Really, it was so much fun. It's amazing how many fun memories it brought back...I really truly enjoyed it far more than I thought I would. :)

And for the ladies out there, I will say that there have been SO many advances in bikes since I was a kid. I think the last time I was on a bike was in 8th or 9th grade when Jill and I rode to 7-11. For the record, she is the one that stole the map. So yeah, almost 20 years later and I'm on a bike again. They change gears SO smoothly and are much more comfortable for women than what they used to be. The seat? MUCH better. :)

Now all that's left is the horn. :) This is the one that I do want. It's not retro, but look how FUN it is. :)

And for those that like to know, after I got it out of my MINI (yes, it fits inside, you just have to take the front wheel off...and I have quick release wheels) and put it together and brought it inside the house, Chassis was TERRIFIED of it. She wouldn't go anywhere near it. I put it in my kitchen, next to the door and it took me giving her treats just to get her outside. And even then, as she got closer, she'd just BOLT out the door or in the door. So we both have some adjustments to make to the bike. :)

The crazy cat lady = me?

Alright.

Here's the thing. I'm picky when it comes to dating. I like to think of it as decisive, but it's probably just being picky.

I've dated someone long term (3 months or longer) only 6 times in my life. Yikes! That is sad. But I think the reason of why that is is because I know rather quickly that it's either going to work or it just isn't. I could recount the gory details of all of my bad dates, but honestly, most of you know about them anyway, so it would just be re-reading stuff you already read on myspace. For those that don't, the worst two first dates with guys ended with two different questions. One was "So are we going to make out, or what?" and the other was "Let me guess...double D's - am I right?" Surprisingly, neither one of these guys were the ones I dated for over 3 months! :)

Remember this post? Yeah, well, let's just say the results of the blind date were less than pleasant. Gerry (as I found out he spells his name) was kind of cute...but told me within the first 15 minutes of our date that he knew how to get his hands on 1 million dollars and bragged about all of the properties around my house that he fixed and then flipped. He was shorter than me, looked significantly older than me, and helped me realize that my friends Mel and Chad have no clue who I am. :) We had small talk for about 15 minutes, and after that proceeded to argue about politics for the next two hours. Our argument used to be full of things that actually had good points to them, but ended almost with us just talking over each other. Now, I love me a good debate, but this was a bit over the top. We were arguing so much that the people at the tables on either side of us also started arguing. At the end of the date, he asked me two questions, "So if I call, are you going to answer the phone?" To which I answered, "probably not." Then he asked, "If we go out again, are you going to be nicer?" I thought about it for a couple of seconds and then I simply answered, "No." Now I can say that I wasn't MEAN on the date, but because I didn't really care how it ended, I wasn't trying to impress him. Because he seems like someone that is constantly trying to impress others, I think this excited him. It took 2 weeks for him to stop calling.

The next set up I had was with Sarah's cousin. She tried to get us in the same place several different nights, but the night before the Superbowl is when we finally met. And he DID seem like a nice guy...but the chemistry just wasn't there.

I'm sure you all have heard that old saying that guys are like parking spaces? Well, I'd like to think that that is not true...unfortunately, I don't have anything to back my idea up. I met with a friend of mine today who encouraged me to try online dating. Yeah, well, I went to match.com at her place. We set up my profile (I'll probably post it on here for a good laugh for you guys) and started looking at guys. But UGH it seemed like SO MUCH WORK! I know...from what you all told me marriage is work. But really? I don't want to try to weed through 200 guys, figure out which ones want to communicate, and then meet them in person only to find out that there is NO love connection. It just seems like a lot of wasted time, a lot of unreal expectations, a roller-coaster of emotions, and ultimately a huge let down. The worst is that look that is on someone else's face when you can tell that they just don't get you.

(sigh)

I'm not a big fan of that look. Unfortunately, I get it often. :)

But I know that there doesn't seem to be another option either. I feel like I need to get out - I need to try new things, need to meet other people. I have come to realize that a sense of humor is probably the thing that I find attractive over all else. I mean, there has to be other things...several other things, but I really just want to laugh a lot. I figure life is tough enough - you might as well have someone to help you laugh through it.

Maybe me being completely exhausted by the thought of going through all those profiles was a tip that I'm just not ready yet. The guy from Reno was so delightfully funny and fantastic that that is what I want to have...well, something like that. You know - something so unexpectedly fun where you connect on multiple levels - best of all, on that basic undeniably pure level. I want someone like him... only single. :) The good news is that now that I know that someone like that *can* exist, I'm happy.

I just don't want to live my life waiting... because then I *will* be that lady that lives in the house on the corner with 85 million cats. And I'm mildly allergic to cats...so really 85 million may just kill me. Plus, the ASPCA will constantly be at my door, trying to get me to give some of them away. I'll be that crazy lady in a stained wife beater (without a bra on) trying to set humane traps for my cats on a reality TV show on Animal Planet.

I think that's why I feel so in limbo (no, not the stuff about the cats...the other stuff!).

I don't really have a career to speak of, I'm trying not to get attached to anything here because I'm hoping to move, and I'm not really even interested in dating anyone because now that I know that somebody awesome could be out there I don't want to waste my time with the duds.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

My Easter weekend

I've been doing nothing all weekend. :)  And it's been great.  In fact, it's been decadent. :)

Friday night, I went to church (at my old church in Highlands Ranch) and then hung out with some friends afterwards.  These people are pretty cool - and if I ever leave this place, I will miss them for sure.  I never know how I'm going to feel after a Good Friday service - so I actually wasn't even sure that I would want to hang out.  But we did.  We had fun and because I was at the end of the table with the Storys I laughed a lot.  And no, I'm not sucking up just because Matt and Kelly might start reading my blog. :)

Yesterday, I pretty much just did stuff around the house - they typical laundry, chores, etc.  I watched a couple of shows on TV, but other than that, I really didn't do much.  I did get to talk to my sisters last night, which was a little bittersweet.  This is the first Easter in years where I haven't gone home to be with my family.  And I missed them.  But I also know that saving my vacation days for times when I might want an interview is smart too. 

I started reading another book (because the two that I've already started clearly weren't enough)..."One Last Scream."  Anyway, it is CREEPY!  I think I said before that scary movies absolutely creep me out.  This book, which I started reading last night, is about a girl who has black-outs and she thinks that she's murdering everyone around her.  AGH!  I stayed up last night until three and had nightmares all night long about it.   I was so scared!   I get into books and movies apparently...well, that is if I don't fall asleep while watching the movies. :)  It's just that I have a vivid imagination.  Like last night, I was wondering what that would be like - like what if I was remembering lots of things that had happened, but they really didn't?  AGH!  SO frickin' creepy!  I remember watching the movie, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (with Pee-wee Herman :)) and there is a scene where Luke Perry is drunk on a cliff or something.  Anyway, his friend who just turned into a vampire floated up right next to him.  That scene creeped me out for a long time afterwards.  I didn't want to be by anything that had a big drop off next to it for fear that something would rise up and talk to me.  It's like I could picture it and I'd get so creeped out that I'd have to try to remember that it was ME creeping myself out.  And really?  That movie wasn't even kind of scary....AND I was a teenager - clearly old enough to know better!

Honestly, a couple of years ago I was watching a scary movie that I had Tivo'd and I had to watch it in segments.  Like when I got scared, I had to turn it off and then do something else around the house.  Anyway, I just finished the book and my heart was pounding until the end of the thing.  So yeah, just in case you're wondering...I am a dork. :)

I also have figured out that I need a new hobby.  Something to get my mind off of the feeling that I've got nothing going on in my life right now.  Because I do want to move, I don't really want to start anything new...just to quit it later.  But I have seriously got to do something with my extra time.  I've been in this constant state of flux the last year.   A year ago I was interviewing with Tyco, then leaving my job at GM, then putting my house up on the market, then breaking up with Jon, then accepting an offer on the house, then trying to find a new place, then packing up my old place, closing on both places, moving, and then came Christmas, trips to Mexico and Reno, and figuring out that I do want to move from here and change my life again.  It's no wonder that I'm feeling a little tentative about what comes next.  But since I do have a lot of extra time on my hands (the commute is SO much better since the move), I need a new diversion or hobby.  I want whatever I pick to be a good stress reliever and something that will help me be healthier.  

Yeesh - I just read through this and realized that this may be the stupidest post I've written in a while.  Matt and Kelly, please don't judge my blog based on this lame post. :)  I'll be funnier again, I promise. :)

The Boulder Trip Pictures

So, I realized that I didn't post the pictures from my trip to Boulder a while back.

We were driving not too far from my house and happened to see this huge gorilla on the side of the road... who could resist posing next to it? :)

Next we actually went to Boulder and ate at a great place called BJs. :)  Two glasses of wine later and this seemed like a great idea.  I'm the one taking the picture, so you can't really see my face, but I was doing it!  I promise!

We decided to window shop, go to an all natural beauty products shop (no razors there!) and just had a fun time walking around.  We saw this cool statue of a woman on a swing.  Apparently, I was still feeling the wine. :)  What can I say?  We were in a silly mood.

Lastly, we went to a hat stand...

And then this guy wanted to have his picture taken with us.  Can you blame him?  I mean, look how hot we were in our fuzzy hats!!! :)

My new thing to look forward to...

So I've been a little bummed lately.

BUT today I did something that gives me lots to look forward to. I booked a flight.

Well, actually I booked three. :)

I get to go to Tucson, AZ and the surrounding area for work stuff on the 2nd of April. The next day I get to visit with Rachel (the older sister) and spend the night at her place. The next day instead of coming back home, I'm going to fly to Dallas. I plan on visiting with Lisa, Ginger (her baby shower is Saturday), Mike (hopefully) and if we can convince her to come, Jen. I'm not judging or anything, but all the cool kids will be in Dallas that weekend. Jen, I'm not trying to push you into anything, but if you don't come that weekend, you smell like rotten eggs.

What?!?!? I'm just saying...

Anyway, then on Sunday I'll fly back home.

This is going to be a great diversion that I've needed and a time where after Thursday night I can't do anything other than relax, read, and catch up with friends. Yes, just the diversion that I'll need.

Three different one way trips means another thing too:
Gratuitous groping by TSA agents!! :) I'm just saying it's been awhile. :)

How I know I have the humor of a 13 year old boy...

So I'm selling Butter Braids (a pastry thing) for the Great Dane Rescue. I HATE asking people to buy things so the order form is on the end of my desk. Right next to the picture of a mouse in boxing gloves...but that's another story.

Anyway, my co-worker, Lance, came over to sign up for the Butter Braids. He has already mentioned that he didn't like them...so I said "If you don't like them, don't purchase one" because I really hate the feeling like I have to purchase something for some cause just because someone asked me. Anyway, he said that he would buy one and that he would just give it away or something. He said that they'd give it to someone in his family...then he followed it with, "we usually just give it to her mom."

From over the cube, a small, hesitant voice said, "That's what she said."

(sigh)

I laughed so hard I almost started crying.

Expectations...

So, I've been wanting to read the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" for a couple of months.  I actually purchased it in the airport on my way to Reno.  I've been reading it in between some personal issues that I've been dealing with and I've found it pretty interesting.

To catch up those that haven't read it, it's about a woman in her 30s that visits three countries - Italy, Indonesia, and India.  She does this because things become so clearly unmanageable in her life in the US and because things fell into place that allowed her to go.  For a year she is going to live in these three countries.  I'm still on Italy - where she learns to eat.  Well, she's known how to eat for some time - it's not like she's been fed via IVs up until now, but you get the gist.

In this part of the book, she's writing about how she decided to cut things off completely with this guy that she was dating before she went to Italy for four months.  The funny thing (funny strange, not funny haha) is that I started reading that chapter (Chapter 28 for those that are reading along) on Monday night - when I was working on drawing my own boundaries.  

Anyway, one of the things that she writes about is how she looked at her parents' marriage and how she realized that her mom was consistently neglected and forgotten about...but that her mom seemed relatively happy and content anyway.  She makes the point that she just figured that she needed something different than her mom and that apparently she just wasn't as strong and independent as her mom.  She explains this to her mom and the mom said, " All those things that you want from your relationship?  I have always wanted those things too."  She then goes on to say, "You have to understand how little I was raised to expect that I deserved in life, honey.  Remember - I come from a different time and place than you do."

And honestly, that still floors me.  

I am forced to examine what my expectations are for relationships and the possibility of marriage.  Do the people that decide to bail do so because they expect different things?  Because they feel like they're entitled to a wonderful, perfect, movie-type relationship?    I know - there are probably different reasons for every relationship that ends or continues.  But what keeps people together?

Like I read blogs and see people and hear about marriages that seem like they'd be a lot of fun.  Is that really how it is?  Or is it just that people get used to each other so it's better than being alone?  

I think about why I'm not married.  And it's easy to joke about, but the most logical reason I'm not is because no one ever asked me to marry them.  Really.  I probably would've said yes to two of them had they asked within the first 6 months of us dating.  I'd like to think that one I wouldn't have followed through with it because I was MISERABLE during most of the time I dated him.  And the truth is, I've made better choices each time - or at least haven't repeated the same mistakes.  

But when you've never SEEN a successful relationship, how can you model after it?  How do you know what to wait for?  And likewise, how do you know when you THINK that you're entitled to more...and that you expect more?  How do you know if your expectations are too high?

My grandparents were married for 58 years until my grandfather died.  Did they stay together that long because society was against divorce, because they loved each other so much, or because their expectations of what a marriage should be was the same? Honestly, I think it was probably the latter.  He was a Colonel in the ARMY and she was the ever dutiful military wife.

I want a marriage that is fun.  I want a marriage that has passionate moments, one where he is just as committed as I am, and one where we are teammates...in every sense of the word.   I want to have fun doing whatever it is that we find fun.  I want to laugh, I want to joke around, I want to have an engaged husband who wants to do stuff with his kids - be it practicing soccer in the backyard or have tea parties with her dressed as a princess.  I want to enjoy him just as much after the kids are gone as when I married him... maybe in different ways, but just as much.  I don't think that things will be easy all the time.  And I'm not fooling myself into thinking that he will be so absolutely enthralled with me that he could hardly stand it.  But I would like to think that we'd be happy - more times than not.  And that when I just couldn't pick up the pieces and fight once more against whatever it is, that he'd shoulder the burden and carry me through the battle grounds at least until I was strong enough to fight again.  If he knew me, he'd know I'd gladly do the same.  Are my expectations too high?  IS this type of relationship and marriage possible to find?

I know... you probably don't have the answers for all of this.  But because almost every reader of my blog is or has been married, I'd love your take on at least some of it.

Today is my sunshiny day...

Today has been a great day - not once but TWICE!

This clearly will make sense to no one else other than me, but you just need to know that today is one of the best days I've had in awhile.

It's one of those days where I just can't wipe the smile off my face - and it's not even over yet! :) I get to go and have the best salad in the WORLD (okay...it's close to that) with the girls tonight at our monthly girl's dinner. AND I get some Chai Tea that I have been jonesing for.

My life, at least today, rocks.

I have optimism, strength, hope, and friends that are too good to be true.

Seriously, my face is actually sore from smiling all day.

(sigh) :)

My new favorite thing to read...

is dooce. :)

Thanks Lisa D for introducing her (and the year's best blog) to me.

She is funny, people. Funny funny funny funny funny!

This one made me laugh.

This one was funny AND sweet. Gosh - I think being a parent and blogging about it would be nifty. :) Plus her pictures are absolutely adorable. :)

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

Yesterday wanted to rent two specific movies.  Instead what I came away with was the first season of "The Office" (I had never seen those episodes) and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." 

First, "The Office."  I love that show.  The end. :)

Now the second rental.  So this movie is weird.  I'm trying to remember when I saw it - and I just don't remember.  They mention 2004 in it a couple of times, but I can't remember who I saw it with.  In fact, the only thing I really remembered was the basic plot of the movie...that a girl and a guy decide that they're in so much pain over their relationship that they erase each other from their memories. 

It's a great movie in the sense of what it tries to do - artistically speaking.  And it's such a strange concept that I really liked the movie.  Kinda' like "Adaptation," also written by Charlie Kauffman.  At one point in the movie, Jim Carrey's character, Joel, is remembering all the scenes of his relationship with Kate Winslet's character, Clementine.  This particular memory is a sweet memory.  And he's screaming out loud, "Please let me keep this memory.  Just this one."  Of course, it is erased.

WARNING: do not read this next paragraph if you want to watch the movie and be surprised at the end.  What I do like about the movie is how it depicts at the end that basic attraction is just that - something undeniable that can happen in any situation.  I like that at the end of the movie they meet again and decide that they are excited about each other all over again.  I like that they make their memories again.  Maybe not the same ones, but they make memories.

It *is* a weird movie.  That I'll grant you.  But it gives me hope that the poor choices I might have made or might be making may not change or significantly alter the course of my life.  That the job that I do or do not get offered won't dramatically change who I am at the core - or, if there is such a thing, who I am meant to be with.  It smudges the idea of finality.  And I like that concept. :)

I'm usually a pretty logical person.  But I like movies that allow me to dream and to hope.

(sigh)

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna' make them alive.  But I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.

Atomic Dogs

So, I've been sick since Friday morning - the same crud that's probably been passed around every office in the US this week. :)  In fact, I've been so under the weather that I missed out on some plans that I had with some friends for St. Pat's - but more on that tomorrow.  Suffice it to say that I was crushed that I couldn't be with them.  

I did participate in a game night with some friends.  My friends Kim and Chris invited a couple of us over to their house to play some games.  And I have to say, I am a big game person - I love them!  Is it rude of me to say that I'm a good teammate?  Cocky?  Well...it's true.  I'm sure it's because I'm competitive, but hey... I have to have a fault somewhere, right?  Anyway, we ended up playing one of my favorite games, Apples to Apples.  Another game night attendee was Matt - SOOOO funny.  I laugh so hard every time I'm around him.  This game is one where you pick cards and play cards based upon what you think someone else will think is most like the card that was picked. :)  Hee hee...was that clear or what? :)  Just trust me...it's fun.  Anyway, Matt knows what a sarcastic person I am so he would constantly play cards that knew I would pick.  Thus why he won the first round.  His wife, Kelly, is a such a sweet person too - and I get to see her (and two other game night attendees) this week at our monthly Girls' Dinner.   

Me laughing like that hasn't happened since...well... since Reno so it was nice to forget all the stresses of every day world - if only for a little while.

I also went to a volunteer meeting for a dog rescue that I'm involved with and met one of the CUTEST puppies I've seen in a long time.  His name was Deacon - and here he is at 11 weeks.  

Today he is 18 weeks and he is 97 pounds and he is SOOO cute! :)  He is a mastiff and he made me re-think my Great Danes forever plan. :)  UGH!  I couldn't get over how cute he is!!  If you ever find yourself down, just pet a puppy.  They'll cheer you right up! :)

Speaking of dogs, I took Chassis into PetsMart today to get her nails trimmed.  It was not a day too soon, too! :)  What should've been a 15 minute trip was actually a couple of hours.  We can't go anywhere without someone stopping to pet her and ask what she is.  I swear, that dog gets so much attention for me, it's like having a permanent wingman! :)  The bummer is the guys that are in awe of her are either 8 years old or there with their girlfriends/wives.  And despite what people seem to think these days, I'm not out to snatch me a married man. :)  Actually, I get my fair share of older men too who like to talk to me about their old dane, or big dog, or in today's case a cockatoo.  I'm not saying I was volunteering or anything, but it was a bunch of fun to go out in public, educate people on the breed, see kids faces light up, and just have some positive energy thrown my way.  

Not even gone yet...

...and I miss you like crazy.

Hee hee :)

Just because it's Friday...

My big baby :)

Last night I was reading before I went to sleep.  My dog (who I could hear in the other room, snoring soundly) all of the sudden woke up and ran into my room (which is rare - I really have a small bedroom) and just stood there, leaning next to the bed with this worried look on her face.

Poor baby, I think she had a nightmare...and came to me to protect her.

So I leaned down and gave her tons of loving.  I reassured her that it was just a dream, that she was a good dog, and that nothing was going to hurt her.  About five minutes later she backed out of the room (yes, it's that small) and went to go to sleep.   I encouraged her to get on the bed if she wanted to before she left, but apparently because she is never allowed up there, she was either confused or scared a little of that too.

Awww...she may be big, she may be a baby, but she's my big baby. :)

Who's making all that noise?

It's me! :)  

I saw "Stomp!" today and absolutely loved it.  If you haven't seen or heard of the show, you are missing out!  It's a live show where they don't speak, they don't have any political standpoint, no offensive material... just awesome music in the form of percussion.  They make music with various objects... everything from Zippo lighters to literally the kitchen sink.  I was in awe and sat on the edge of my seat the whole time.

While in view of people at the theater, I was able to refrain from banging things around...I even held it together in the car, but when I got home and had to refill Chassis' food bowl I discovered that it made a neat sound.  A snap here... a clap there... good stuff.  I stopped shy of picking up my broom, whipping it around, smacking it on the floor, and probably breaking a window or Chassis' legs in the process.

But oh, how it was cool. :) :) :)

CAT and Zoltar

Remember this week?

It was the week of two life-changing epiphanies.  In the past month, I've applied for 4 different jobs...three in the lovely Peoria, Illinois area and one in the UK.  All with Caterpillar.  Now I think there is a 99.9% chance that I will not get hired in the UK... because realistically, what company would take a chance on a new hire like that, but you never know.  And hey, I'm young, I'm single, and well unsure about what life will bring.  The Peoria jobs are all Black Belt jobs (hi-YA! <--karate sounds, not sounds of a friendly neighbor!) and Process Control Engineer jobs... basically, I'd be responsible for making things better.  And HELLO!  I do that naturally. :)  In all seriousness, it'd be making processes more efficient, less costly, etc.  The big thing that I was struggling with is the idea of leaving Denver.  You know, the place that I've wanted to come back to most of my life.  I've lived in Denver longer than I've lived any place else my life (7 years when I was younger and the past 5 years) and I guess it's as good of a place to call home as anywhere else.  

A good friend of mine asked me today to make a list of the top 10 things I love about Denver.  I was glad to do so because first, I love me

 a good list.  Secondly, it made a lot of sense...and helped me realize that there really is nothing that is holding me here to Denver.  It was a sad revelation and I'm sure John Denver is shaking his head and sunshiny shoulders at me on this one.   I mean, what was most prominent to me the sense that I just want to belong...you know?  And apparently it's not in Denver...and it might not be in Peoria.  But I want to belong to someone, something greater than myself.  

So, long blog short (too late?) I've decided that Peoria, Illinois is my new place to be.  If you've ever seen, "The Secret," know that I'm putting it out there in the universe.  Also, note that I don't think that God and the universe work just like that...you know, the like the wish machine from "Big."  But I do believe in the power of positive thought...and feel like nothing is hurt by asking for what you want.  Anyway, I also have faith that if that is not where I am supposed to end up, then it won't happen.

You know, now that I think about it, I'm kinda' scared of publishing this post.  I mean, it's scary to think that I'm declaring that that is where I want to live and that is where I'm trying to live...and yet nothing has happened yet.  Yikes!  Okay, I'm going to post this...just don't think I'm lame if I don't actually get the job...especially not at first.  Kelly (the CAT connection) said that it'll probably take a while for me to even get interviewed.  I mean, I haven't done any engineering or manufacturing work for 5 years and I'd need to be relocated.  It may sound cocky, but I really believe if I can just get an interview, I think they'd hire me.  I just have to get that interview.  So people, please send some good ju-ju, some prayers, some good vibes my way on this whole new job/new career thing.  I am needing it!

What I know is true...

You know how Oprah leads off her magazine with a section called "What I know is true..."?

Not so much? Well...that section, usually a page worth was her chance to write something inspiring - something that she has taken years to think about, talk about with her best friend Gale, and therefore something she feels like she should share with me personally. Usually they're motivating and they always tie into her monthly topic of the magazine.

Why am I writing you about this? I don't know. But you should know that this blog is NOT that kind of article. It is full, however, of two things that I have been able to reflect on and have found that they are true for me. Inspirational? No...not so much.

First, I cannot stand it when someone SAYS "knock, knock!" when I'm not facing them directly and they want my attention. Like, if I'm typing away at my keyboard and you need my attention, please say, "Excuse me" or "hey bi-atch" or ACTUALLY knock. But saying it makes me want to just scream! If the answer to the question, "Are you telling a joke?" is "No," you shouldn't say those words! This is similar to my feelings about when I am in someone's way (unknowingly) and they say, "Beep beep!" I don't hate that one as much as the "knock knock" thing, but I still don't get it...I mean, WHY can people not say "excuse me" or "look out" or "heads up" or "I'm going to cut you" or something similar? Even screaming loudly would be bettter than saying "beep beep." And know that they are not making the sound of a truck (although that isn't much better)...they are literally saying "beep beep." Ugh...I just can't stand it!

Secondly, after having our fire alarms tested for the past hour, I know that loud, repetive noises that literally make my ears buzz somehow make me more inclined to inflict bodily damage on someone else. I think I may have been pre-programmed where those types of loud, ear piercing sounds, make me switch from a normally happy person into a person who is in a fight or flight mode (or, after thinking about it, just fight mode). In fact, I think that if I did hurt someone, I should be allowed to get off without serving jail time because seriously, have you *heard* fire alarms for a long period of time? And no, I could not go outside...we had to "work" through it.

I'm just saying, if I had a spork handy during the past hour and someone "knock knock"-ed at my cube...well...it wouldnt' be pretty.

Seek and ye shall find...

What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.

--Helen Keller