No really...get me a muzzle.

We have an uber cranky receptionist where I work. She is one of those people that maybe has lived a really tough life. She doesn't realize that her happiness, despite whatever has happened to her, is her own responsibility. She is angry all the time, complains about anything, is selfish, greedy, and just unhappy. She has comments about my appearance EVERY day. For example, one day I wore a cute outfit that was a skirt and cute top. I wore open toed sandals. She was appalled that I was wearing that at work because I had NO PANTY HOSE ON. She didn't call me a whore, but she definitely danced around that insinuation.

She saps my strength and most days I try to do anything I can to avoid even walking by her desk.

Anyway, she has been out the past two weeks dealing with recuperating from back surgery. It has been marvelous. Really, it's amazing at how much more positive the energy is in our office.

We have a new temp until cranky-pants returns. She is 20. Her name is Sandra. She is pretty. She wears cute clothes, but looks clean and like a good kid.

The other day, I was walking by her desk and saw that she was on the internet. At the time, I didn't know what she was looking at, but it was a black background and I could make out the picture of a very attractive woman in a very provocative pose. You know the one…it's the picture of the women that are on myspace and when you add them as friends they just want to sell you hair growth products.

Because I try to be funny and joke, I said, "You know, Sandra…we aren't allowed to look at porn at work."

She stammered and said that it wasn't porn. I looked closer and saw that it was a myspace page. So instead of saying something like "Hey, I have one of those too!" I said, "You may call that myspace, but it clearly is porn." And she was all "No! It's myspace!" And because I was still trying to be funny, I was all "Look at that picture - she's pretty much only wearing a bra - it's totally porn!" Now, although my take on the picture was accurate, I was just trying to make her laugh. Maybe to say something about how her friend does kind of look like that…but really, she's a hooker with a heart of gold.

Instead, she scrolled down to where I could see other pictures in a flash player. Other pictures of HER…with her family. DOH!

I just walked away. Because really? You can't repair that situation. I hopped away on one foot as the other one was lodged firmly in my mouth.

Yesterday I said something funny and NON-offensive and she laughed. I took this opportunity to say that I am a dumb-ass who likes to joke around a lot. If I ever say anything to upset her, I hope that she knows that I'm just kidding and that I'm just trying to be funny. And that I apologized for anything I've ever said or would say to make her feel uncomfortable. She was all, "um…okay."

I think I made up for it though…because I walked by her desk later and asked someone who was by her desk how I was going to be able to breathe with no air. Sandra giggled, while the older lady was very confused.

See...I may be able to put my foot completely in my mouth, but I can also make some pop culture reference to redeem myself too.