Monday, June 22, 2009

It wasn't even speedy!

As you may remember, Thursday I went to a speed dating/pre-dating event in Denver.

Despite my joking, the last time I went there were some great guys at the event - funny, smart, and outgoing. Out of the 12 guys last time, I was picked by 3 to be seen again...although I didn't actually see any of them again. They weren't the ones that I picked to date again. At the risk of being repetitive, this is the story of my life.

This time there were only 6 guys. I was picked by 5 of them to be seen again...which I have to say is quite the ego boost. I am confident that my attire had a lot to do with it as the "girls" were looking mighty fine - thanks to a low cut shirt and a bra that hoisted them up to where they should normally be. Seroiusly, I was even mesmorized by how they looked that night.

The last guy was so seemingly nervous during our "date" that I started wondering if he was having a physical allergic reaction to something he was drinking. His heavy sighs, his pulling at the neck of his shirt, and general weirdness made me think that something was wrong. So I asked him if he was alright, and he said that he was nervous and that the room we were in was making him feel even more nervous. Since it was the last date, he asked if we wanted to step into the bar area and get another beer. The guy was good looking, had a stable job, and seemed nice so I decided to get to know him a tad better. We stepped out of the room, he gave a huge sigh of relief, claimed he was better and then proceeded to act EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.

Twenty minutes later (and four shots of Jager and another beer - all for him) I realized that I needed an exit plan. The guy was just WEIRD. He was slurring by this point, talking about how he'd f--d (his word) a lot of women in the last 90 days to get over the last girl he was seeing but that he was looking for someone that wanted to have kids. He talked about how he read a book called "The Game" which apparently is how to score with chicks at bars - and then he talked about how many women he's f--d over the past few months.

At this point, I was wishing that I had some Purell on me - because not only did I not want to have kids with this guy, I also didn't want to even shake his hand again.

Needless to say, I left him at the bar after only drinking 1/4 of my beer. As I was getting up from the stool, he was SHOUTING "Awww...come on. Don't leave! Don't leave!" I looked to the bartender because I was completely embarrassed and the bartender mouthed "Leave."

Here's where I know I might lose some of you. I was secretly delighted. Sure, it was creepy because the guy is clearly unstable. On the other hand, I was strangely happy that I actually had a guy beg me not to leave him. I know. It's messed up...but it was totally a scene out of a bad movie, and it happened to me! I mean, it's kind of like something off of my bucket list of things that I want to accomplish before I die.

So far my list looks like this:

1. Ride a dolphin
2. Learn to snorkel
3. Start smoking
4. Stop smoking
5. Get a good looking guy to beg me not to leave him in public
6. Skydive
7. Have someone ask to marry me *
8. Have someone who is not looking for his Greencard ask to marry me
9. Find Manbearpig
10. Be a part of a diamond smuggling ring

I think I'm on my way.

*Yes - I'm kidding. Even the illegal aliens are wary of me.


Rachel said...

I am glad that the bartender was looking out for you...hope he was a guy because then that is totally cool. :)

The round sounds even worse than my creepy stalker guy and the megalomaniac. But damn, you had some high stats, girl! So when are you going out with Senior Jagerbomb? He sounds dreamy...

Way to go!

marc said...

So, he's f--d a lot of girls in the past 90 days.... He did say he wants to find a chick to have kids with... It's called "practice". Cut the poor guy some slack. AND he drinks Jager? I swear I've NEVER met a guy I wanted to beat the shiz out of who was slamming Jager. I'd be delighted as well if I were you.

marc said...

....and the bartender better not have been a dude, c-blocking is uncalled for. ALWAYS.

happyfunpants said...

The bartender WAS a guy and I thought it was cool that he had my back.

Marc - if you want to rhythmically snore with him so badly, I'll make sure to pass on your number to him.

Anonymous said...

OMG, loved this post! I found you from my brother Charlie's site: Backtothefridge.

The last blind date I went on before I met my now husband went like this.

Friend: I have someone perfect for you!
Me: Really??
Friend: Lets double date!
Me: How old is he?
Friend: probably early 30's? (I was 26 at the time)

I went to my friends house where the "perfect" person turns out to be a very balding, early 40's out of work plumber. He asks if we can go dutch since he's out of work, which I agree.

I was a hugely picky eater then, and when an appetizer came to the table, I asked him to taste a particular item and tell me what it was.

He says "its crab." Yum, I love crab!

I take a big taste only to find that its HORSERADISH sauce!

After the movie, we go back to my friends house, and he wants to drive me home, even though I live 10 houses down!

I get into his van, there is no passenger seat, only springs and a towel thrown over the exposed springs in an attempt to mask that there really isn't a seat there!

He pulls up 10 houses, where he turns off the ignition - I don't know what to say. He says "I think our next date should be smelt fishing!" At which point I said good night and ran into my house asap!

He called me 5 straight days in a row, until I finally had to be rude and say no thanks!

Sorry this is so long - I can type fast! :D

Sally said...

Hmmm... I'm thinking that the bartender sounds kind of hot!

Rebecca Jo said...

You totally crack me up!!!

happyfunpants said...

Biz319: Awww...come on. I totally think you should've given him another chance. Nothing against your husband, but that guy had character! And by "character" I mean, "a higher chance to have stalked you." :) Welcome anytime. I enjoy your brother's blog and will have to add yours to my reading rotation!