Today I meet with a personal trainer.
When I joined my gym a week ago they guy who signed me up was trying to get me to buy personal training sessions. I kept saying no. So he told me that he would give me a free session and then asked if that was okay. I tried not to beat up on myself, but in my mind I was all "Have you seen me? Perhaps I can start by losing 450 pounds and then we can talk about toning" but then I remembered that this time, this time I'm losing weight, is going to be different. I'm taking a healthier approach and have decided that I'm doing things that are healthier for my mind, body, and spirit. And adding some weight training would be healthier for my body. So I said yes to a one time free training session.
Dmitry, the guy who is has things to be self conscious about too (he's about three apples tall) is going to teach me how to be healthier today. What I thought was going to be a re-introduction to the weight machines, turns out to be an overall health assessment. Which I am so very not looking forward to. He indicated that he'd like me to get on the exercise machines and see me work out. Umm...can we skip that part and all agree that I'm overweight? PLEASE? Because if you watch me AND you put me on a treadmill, I'm likely to trip and take out all the people behind me. FOR THE SAFETY OF YOUR OCCUPANTS, please don't make me do that.
Last week, I looked forward to working out each day. Today I'm dreading it. And I don't want that place to be a place I dread. I'm dreading it because while I'm trying to do something good for myself, I don't want judgement. I don't want someone to look at me, shake their head, and say something that will allow me to make an excuse to never come back. I've debated cancelling the appointment or at least re-scheduling until I feel better about whatever he's going to say. I guess I'm most frustrated because what I'm getting is not what I want. What I'm getting is a health assessment and since I already feel so very low about my health I don't want to feel lower. I thought I was getting an introduction to how all the machines work.
Maybe I'll call him today. Maybe I'll call him and ask in greater detail what is supposed to go down. And explain to him what I thought it was going to be like...and then ask if there is something in the middle we can agree on. I'm hoping he'll understand since he probably has been self concious of his height. I'm hoping he'll understand what it's like to be teased and judged. While I know that it's likely that he's a high school bully, or at least that he still acts like one, I guess I just want reassurance that I'm not going to leave there crying either.
1 day ago