Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Cosmos and Me

Two weeks ago I was all set to go on a date with a guy that we'll call Cosmos. Cosmos is a younger man, but hey - even cougars need lovin' right? Actually, he was quite charming at first - indicating that he was a man who had his own place, blah blah blah. So I changed my mind and decided to give him a shot. Plus, his profile was written as if he was witty, smart, and not crazy.

He stood me up...texting four hours after the date should've started that he got called into work. For various reasons, I don't think this was true.

I decided to write him off - but this is when Larry the co-worker told me 15 thousand reasons why this guy could be genuine and his apology be accepted. So I, being the ever gracious person I so naturally am, accepted.

We were to go out again after he got off work and the conversation went like this:

Happy Fun Pants: Hey
Cosmos: Hey
HFP: So - are we going to go out tonight?
C: Um...well, I just got off work and I'm so tired.
HFP: Oh. So it's 7:30 now...what time did you go in?
C: noon.
HFP: Right. Um. Yeah. Okay - so we're not going to get together?
C: What if we got together next Wednesday afternoon?
HFP: Um...no. I work on Wednesday afternoons. I have to be honest, if we're not going out tonight, I'm not really interested in meeting you.
C: Uh - that sounds like an ultimatum. And I don't like those. That's not how I ROLL.
HFP: Right. Well, I'm not really giving you and ultimatum...I'm just letting you know how it is.
C: Uhh....okay.
HFP: (after prolonged silence) You still there?
C: Yeah. How 'bout I call you later tonight - like 10 or 11?
HFP: Uh...I'll probably be tired around then.
C: GAH! (said like Napoleon Dynamite) I just need to REST for a MINUTE. I'll call you later. And then if you're not doing anything we can hang. Oh, and I don't like to drink - that's not really my bag. So I don't want to go to a bar or restaurant. So how 'bout I come over there?
HFP: Um...no, you're not coming over here.
C: Okay, then I'll just call you after I get done resting and we can decide then.
HFP: Umm...uh...okay.

So I got on my phone and hung out with my pals, the Storys. They were much more fun.

He did call later - and I told him that I didn't think it would work. I wished him a good night and he hung up on me.

Here is email #1 from him (two days later):
"just letting you know i'm sorry saturday didn't work out
it sounds like you don't really ever want to hear from me again
and i think that's complete crap
ultimatums are a huge turnoff, as is your lack of patience and understanding
i'm still up for getting together, someday
i still find you quite charming
though if you're going to be mean, don't bother"

I did find it touching that I'm still charming - even though I'm not understanding or patient. And my favorite is that he ended with an ultimatum.

Email #2 (the next day):
"i really wish you'd give me another chance. i wish you'd meet me halfway. you should take care to remember that one's feelings and thoughts on a certain matter aren't always the way things are.
i see two ego's hurt pissed off at each other. i forgive you, perfectly.
are you the zen one, or am i?
if you're the egoist if you're the rigid impatient nonunderstanding one, then i gladly give you back to the cosmos.
if i'm the egoist if i'm the rigid impatient nonunderstanding one, then i've a lot of work to do.
"fuck you, you're no bloody saint"
i think this is a statement we both can agree with.
you ought to learn to take people as they are, not as you think they should be. me, i'm perfectly flawed, i hurt lots of feelings, i get hurt lots too. but sometimes when i get hurt, i simply say 'i give this, to the cosmos' and it's as if it passes right through me. holding onto negative feelings, will get you nowhere in life.
"fuck you, you're no bloody saint"
write back assuming i haven't completely angered and offended you"

My email back:
Sounds like you've got a lot of work to do. I'll leave you to it.
~The Saint

NO - Just kidding. I actually wrote him back stating that I don't think that there IS a halfway and that I wished him luck. To state anything else seemed like a really bad idea. I mean, he doesn't know where I live, what my last name is, what my real email is, or even that I don't like beans.

Then again, he does have the power of the cosmos on his side...

The end result? Me saying, "you're no bloody saint" and "Gah! I just need to REST for a MINUTE!" to anyone that has heard this story. They haven't quite replaced "it's like prison" as a favored remark, but they're getting up there. :)


Ginger said...

Hmm. Younger? Maybe. Less mature? Absolutely.

Do zen masters use the word "fuck"? I'm thinking no.

Nice dodge, Cougar. ;)

kristi said...

Wow! You're a lot more tolerant than me! I would've been done after the first missed date. I think you might be better off with Dwightel.

happyfunpants said...

Ginger: To be clear, I have never dated a guy that was younger than me. This was my first (and most likely last) attempt. However, I like that there is a category of women called something. I've been called a female dog before, but I don't think that's the same thing.

Kristi: I KNOW! I was all done with him, then I talked to Larry who was all "if you joined that site to have fun and meet people, why not give him another chance? His apology does sound sincere and he could actually be telling the truth." My brain then left my own body and stood barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen just waiting for his next directive. I need to use my brain and trust my gut. And run without scissors, but that's a different story.

Jon Hey said...

That was Hi-larious! First of all, he's a total freako. Cosmos? WTF? Second, he TOTALLY just wanted to get laid. Sounds like you dodged an STD.

Anonymous said...

DUDE. You gotta be making that up. Please, tell me you are making that up.

That made me laugh. so. much!

happyfunpants said...

I'm not making any of this up. The emails are a direct cut and paste. The only thing I altered was the amount of returns between the statements - because then it would've been the longest blog in the history of the cosmos.

The Girls' Moma said...

You know what Anne?

You're no bloody SAINT!

turleybenson said...

Wooooow. That. Was unbelievable. Yeah, "I'll call you at 10 or 11" pretty much means nothing other than "BOOTY CALL!" What a freak show!! WHY ARE PEOPLE SO WEIRD??