Thursday, July 10, 2008

Must love dogs

Dear friends,

I apologize for not filling you in on my dating life. This is mainly due to two reasons:
1) there has not been a dating life of mine to speak of, and
2) prospective dating partners have gotten creepy.

Do you remember this post? 'Member when I said that it was a nice first date - a nice way to get back into the dating world? I lied...err...reported it too soon. He soon showed his true colors by becoming an increasingly insecure person and cried himself to sleep because an email I wrote was too short (and therefore meant that I hated him and his cat). Alas, there is more to the story, but I am not kidding. And just for those that are wondering, yes - it was that quick of a flip with that little warning.

Because of these kind of stories, Larry the co-worker, has decided to start letting me know that it is my fault and I am sabotaging dates. He claims that no one can have as many bad dates as I do. Yeah, well...if you're like Larry then you don't know me well. I'm the person who has bad luck in just about anything - cars, refrigerators, and TVs to name a few.

Anyway, I have found that on the internet there are a surprisingly large number of people who write "must love dogs" in their profile. First, that was a BAD movie and I love John Cusak. That's like me referencing "Hercules" or "Glitter." Second, how much do I have to love dogs? Like do they have to sleep with us? Do I have to promise to dress them up? Do we allow them to lick us on the mouth? If the answer is "yes" to any of these questions, I say no to you.

And just so you know, there have been several guys who I have found quite charming...they just don't seem to think the same about me.

For those who are poo-pooing on my dating style, please know that I get that you care, that you think I'm great, and that you want me to happy BUT that I don't want to hear it! I'm surprised by the people who say "Oh come on! You can do so much better!" All evidence to the contrary! Do you have a guy that you can set me up with? No? Well, neither does anyone else. And me standing on the corner of Colfax and ANY STREET trying to get a date isn't helping. All I'm getting from that is a raging UTI. And yes, I'm kidding.

Since I'm still on my soapbox, if I have to hear another person say "it happens when you're not looking" I will die, wait to be buried, decompose slightly, and then come back as a ghost to haunt you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Because while that might've worked for you, it does not work for all people. That is advice from people who are married (either happily or unhappily). They are the same people that start their sentences with "You know what you should do..." They dispense advice on weddings, birth plans, names for babies, putting your baby on schedule, spanking, etc. They're probably vegan too just so they can tell you about the perils of meat.

Here's my disclaimer and clarification. Please read it so I'll never have to write it again. I am happy with my life. Really. I recognize that there are all sorts of great people who do not ever get married. I have allowed the possibility that I may be one of those people to enter my brain. I've even become friends with that idea. But I also think that that doesn't release me from the desire to want to have a great relationship with another person. And since I've never been someone who sits back and allows things to simply happen to me, it's no surprise that I'm opening a few doors to increase the possibilty of that happening. At the very least, at least that'll be one less Saturday night spent alone eating a pint of ice cream watching "Beaches." And no, I'm not kidding.

Yikes, I read back over this and I think someone has let her tooth pain get to her.

Okay, this is where I'll sheepishly back away from my soap box.

Just know that I write about the dates and prospective dates to get a laugh. SOME things are exaggerated in the hopes to make you laugh. I write this so that when I'm complaining about my dating life you don't post something like "I told you so" or "Well, you're the one who didn't want to eat ice cream by herself." Note: "Beaches" is best watched by yourself. That way the hiccuping, sobbing, and copious fluids pouring out of your face don't take away from the beauty of "Wind Beneath My Wings."


turleybenson said...

Since you asked, here's the secret to finding "that special someone":


I've said it before and I'll say it again. There's no rhyme or reason. It's why Roseanne Barr can get married and Nicole Kidman can get dumped.


Anonymous said...

I love it when you soapbox. Personally, that's when I find you the most entertaining. Really. Give 'em hell, you.