Big head

This morning I was running late to work and was on the phone with my best friend trying to figure out how I can start working for her company.

My boss is kind of a stickler for being on time - especially on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - which are our meeting days. So on those days, I'm usually screeching into the parking lot about a minute until the time I'm supposed to be inside. I don't look at it like I'm running late, I look at it like I'm being efficient.

At any rate, I hopped out of my car and started walking quickly to the passenger side to get the rest of my stuff. As I was walking around the car, a guy in a lawn maintenence truck shouted "HEY!" I turned and he shouted (from inside his truck) "Can I have your number?" And I was shocked. Because you should see what I look like on Monday mornings. I sort of look like the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons.

Anyway, he shouted out, "I want your number. Are you married?" And because I can't lie very well (even to a random guy in a truck), I said no. So he asked me again for my number, and I said, "no thanks!" like he was offering me a donut or help with my bags or something.

But really, I'm flattered. Sure it's a random guy in a truck, but out of these women at our office he picked ME.

Funny in Philadelphia

Adam Gertler was robbed tonight.

He totally should have won "The Next Food Network Star." I like the guy that did win - he's nice in an awkward way. But Adam has been my favorite since the beginning and have loved his humor (excepting the tripping thing on the ship - that was not a good idea).

Anyway, he is funny AND has great recipes involving beer AND chicken. I like beer, funny guys, and chicken! So I'm at a loss as to why he lost.

(sigh)

He's definitely the best thing about Pennsylvania.

For the record...

My friends, Matt and Kelly, are two of the coolest, cutest, and funniest people I've met here in Denver. They are funny, sweet, kind, supportive, able to identify random smells, and most importantly laugh at my jokes.

Thanks guys - for making my time on earth easier.

If those of you not from Denver ever visit, you will want to meet them and kidnap them for your very own friends. To this I say: hands off, people. I will share them with you, but you can't have them.

If that even starts to happen, I will fight for them. It'll be that girly slapping hands fighting thing, but I'll do it.

Sweet, sweet justice

Did you hear about that dad in Salt Lake City?

Apparently, he wanted to see the 11:30 PM showing of the new Batman movie so badly that even his 2 year old kid's presence was not enough to stop him from it.

He left his kid IN THE CAR to go see the movie. About 2 AM, the firefighters finally sprung the hysterical kid from the car...and then went inside to go have the dad arrested. 10 minutes before the end.

I have to say that what he did was horrible.

But I do think that's some form of justice that he didn't even get to see the last 10 minutes of the movie...

Off to the gun store...

OH MY GOSH.

Dealing with one of our new inside sales people is giving me thoughts of asking my boss for the rest of the day off work, driving to a gun store, filling out whatever paperwork is required for a gun, waiting three days, and then shooting myself.

Oh, and my name is NOT Ann Kennedy!

For Chissakes! Get to know my name before asking me for help. If you don't know it, then just type/say something vague. It always works for me when I can't remember people's names. OR you can use one of the following things I respond to: Fun Pants, Tex, Red, A, Hey you, Lady, GAH! You again!, Honey, Pickles, Hey hey! and any general groaning noise.

That song is stuck in your head, too?

This weekend while hanging out with my sister, we bought Sigg bottles. I first learned about this on Kristi's post. I was shocked to learn that my plastic bottle was not so safe any more...or rather that it hasn't been safe but I just found out about it. Sigg's website shows that you could customize your water bottles at one point. Unfortunately, they're so busy supplying them for stores, they had to discontinue this option.

Anyway, I purchased a super cute one from Whole Foods. I immediately began using it and have possibly quadrupled my water intake. I love drinking out of this thing. I would post a picture of it, but after going through 8, 342 image pages I still can't find the dang thing. It's cute. And it's made usuing eco-friendly sources/processes. I feel good drinking from it - and it's not just the water intake.

I also purchased those cloth bags with the sturdy bottoms when I was at Whole Foods. I only purchased two as Elizabeth said that she would send me some that she bought in El Paso. I used them yesterday for the first time and was able to put $105 of groceries in the two bags. Two less bags in the landfills and two less bags taking up my precious under-the-kitchen-sink space.

My recycling container is getting fuller each two weeks - as I'm paying attention to what can be recycled or re-used and what would need to be thrown away.

I think Kermit's wrong. It is easy to be green...or at least it's getting easier.

Even the dog misses you!

The concert was so much fun! They estimated that over 50,000 people were at the festival on Sunday...and we were thrilled to be two of them.

The car ride took 2 1/2 hours to get to the park - which is pretty amazing seeing as how I live 20 minutes away. We decided about one hour in to play 20 questions. Who says you can't have fun without a DVD player in the car?

Beacuse of this, we missed Rodrigo y Gabriela - a sad fact that will likely leave me feeling unfulfilled on my deathbed. BUT we opted to stay there instead of going home for a nap.

We got to see the Flobots - a Denver band that is starting to make it big. Not my favorite band by any means, but I think that they had a lot of energy and it was a great starter to the festival. :)
Long story short my mom ended up buying us beers. :) That's really the best gift a mom CAN give their kids (please take note Ginger, Joella, and Mrssa - you can never start too young!). If you listen closely, you might be able to hear the girl behind us sing a verse of "Hakuna Matata" and then promptly fall into a trash can.
Finally we got to where the DMB concert would be held. We had to grope, grab and make deals but we got a GREAT standing area - one that was where we were surrounded by people. And just to prove that we do not take all of our pictures at an arms length pointed back at us, here are some pictures.



We had a great time. :) If the pictures look blurry to you, it's because you inhaled. I'm not sure since these were taken with Elizabeth's camera but I think the camera was high too. Seriously, I think everyone around us was high, including the 6 year old that was asleep on the ground in front of us. At one point, Dave even sniffed the air, commented on it, and laughed.

The best thing about the concert was that the band was clearly having a great time. And who wouldn't love to play for a fantastic huge crowd with me and E in it?

We came back home, slept for three hours and then got up to go to the airport and work.

Which meant that when I got home yesterday, I slept very well. :)

My point is, after a great weekend like this, I miss my little sister. :)

And Chassis is missing her cuddle buddy. :)

PSA for DJs

So the picnic was a lot of fun!

I'm not sure how many danes and people were there, but I do know that we raised $5000 for a great cause. And someone got a little bid happy at the silent auction...so let's just say that wine is my new best friend.

The best thing about the picnic was that there were two 17 year olds who were DJing our event. They played such great hits as "Motown Philly" by Boys to Men, "Mambo #5" by Lou Vega, "Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Lepard, "Cotton Eyed Joe" by that band, and other crappy music. They weren't a huge hit of the picnic and I was amazed at the poor selection of music.

Until I figured out that since their music stopped at circa 1999, they didn't play any Nickleback.

And that, my friends, was fantastic.

Busy having fun

So my younger sister, Elizabeth, came into town on Thursday for the weekend. We have been having such a fun time that blogging is the last thing on my mind. Well...almost the last thing. Corns, corn, creamed corn, and ethanol (a by product of corn) have probably been lower on my list of things to think of.

Today we're going to a local Great Dane Rescue's picnic. It's an annual picnic that is open to any people who volunteer or those that have adopted from the rescue. We are also allowed to bring our dogs. Current RSVP list shows about 150 people and 100 Great Danes. In one park. That other patrons of the park are currently unaware of. I'm sure they'll get the hint when they see over 1,500 pounds of dog enter the park. :)

It's supposed to be 100 today so we're planning on arriving late. This is due to my dog having a severe intolerance for heat. Since she is a big picky dog, she will NOT drink from water that other dogs already have drank out of. They have HUGE barrels that the dogs can drink out of with like 3" of slobber floating on the top. So I get it. I wouldn't want that either. But since she's such a dark colored dog she just roasts in the heat.

Actually, this is a great representation of how dogs may be like their owners. She probably developed such an intolerance because I would rather have someone make me listen to Nickleback songs repeatedly than roast outside in the sun.

Should be interesting.

Tomorrow we're going to the Mile High Music Festival to see Dave Matthews and his band. :) We're also going to see a bunch of other artists (including Rodrigo y Gabriela) - taking a break halfway through to come home and take a nap. The DMB set doesn't end until 11:15 and then we still have to drive home. Should be around 1 AM by the time we get home. Perfect for us waking up in enough time to be leaving for the airport at 6:15 AM.

Monday I plan on being hungover and tired.

It's good to have goals. :)

And all my friends who think I'm blessed...they don't know my head is a mess

I love Brandi Carlile's music - or at least what I've heard of it.

And I can't help wondering if "The Story" is the story of how I will always feel...or if it's just a stage I'm going through.

(sigh)

I keep reminding myself that this, too, shall pass.


For those interested in listening to it, you can see the video and hear the song here.

I think they call that irony

My friend, Kelly, has such a cute signature on the bottom of her emails. Since I am publicly mocked for being a democrat and a tree hugger in our office I decided to steal it for my signature at work.

It looks like this:
So today I *had* to print an email for a file that I had made. The first page came out fine but all that was on the second page was that logo.

DOH! :)

Cosmos and Me

Two weeks ago I was all set to go on a date with a guy that we'll call Cosmos. Cosmos is a younger man, but hey - even cougars need lovin' right? Actually, he was quite charming at first - indicating that he was a man who had his own place, blah blah blah. So I changed my mind and decided to give him a shot. Plus, his profile was written as if he was witty, smart, and not crazy.

He stood me up...texting four hours after the date should've started that he got called into work. For various reasons, I don't think this was true.

I decided to write him off - but this is when Larry the co-worker told me 15 thousand reasons why this guy could be genuine and his apology be accepted. So I, being the ever gracious person I so naturally am, accepted.

We were to go out again after he got off work and the conversation went like this:

Happy Fun Pants: Hey
Cosmos: Hey
HFP: So - are we going to go out tonight?
C: Um...well, I just got off work and I'm so tired.
HFP: Oh. So it's 7:30 now...what time did you go in?
C: noon.
HFP: Right. Um. Yeah. Okay - so we're not going to get together?
C: What if we got together next Wednesday afternoon?
HFP: Um...no. I work on Wednesday afternoons. I have to be honest, if we're not going out tonight, I'm not really interested in meeting you.
C: Uh - that sounds like an ultimatum. And I don't like those. That's not how I ROLL.
HFP: Right. Well, I'm not really giving you and ultimatum...I'm just letting you know how it is.
C: Uhh....okay.
HFP: (after prolonged silence) You still there?
C: Yeah. How 'bout I call you later tonight - like 10 or 11?
HFP: Uh...I'll probably be tired around then.
C: GAH! (said like Napoleon Dynamite) I just need to REST for a MINUTE. I'll call you later. And then if you're not doing anything we can hang. Oh, and I don't like to drink - that's not really my bag. So I don't want to go to a bar or restaurant. So how 'bout I come over there?
HFP: Um...no, you're not coming over here.
C: Okay, then I'll just call you after I get done resting and we can decide then.
HFP: Umm...uh...okay.

So I got on my phone and hung out with my pals, the Storys. They were much more fun.

He did call later - and I told him that I didn't think it would work. I wished him a good night and he hung up on me.

Here is email #1 from him (two days later):
"just letting you know i'm sorry saturday didn't work out
it sounds like you don't really ever want to hear from me again
and i think that's complete crap
ultimatums are a huge turnoff, as is your lack of patience and understanding
i'm still up for getting together, someday
i still find you quite charming
though if you're going to be mean, don't bother"

I did find it touching that I'm still charming - even though I'm not understanding or patient. And my favorite is that he ended with an ultimatum.

Email #2 (the next day):
"i really wish you'd give me another chance. i wish you'd meet me halfway. you should take care to remember that one's feelings and thoughts on a certain matter aren't always the way things are.
i see two ego's hurt pissed off at each other. i forgive you, perfectly.
are you the zen one, or am i?
if you're the egoist if you're the rigid impatient nonunderstanding one, then i gladly give you back to the cosmos.
if i'm the egoist if i'm the rigid impatient nonunderstanding one, then i've a lot of work to do.
"fuck you, you're no bloody saint"
i think this is a statement we both can agree with.
you ought to learn to take people as they are, not as you think they should be. me, i'm perfectly flawed, i hurt lots of feelings, i get hurt lots too. but sometimes when i get hurt, i simply say 'i give this, to the cosmos' and it's as if it passes right through me. holding onto negative feelings, will get you nowhere in life.
"fuck you, you're no bloody saint"
write back assuming i haven't completely angered and offended you"

My email back:
Sounds like you've got a lot of work to do. I'll leave you to it.
~The Saint

NO - Just kidding. I actually wrote him back stating that I don't think that there IS a halfway and that I wished him luck. To state anything else seemed like a really bad idea. I mean, he doesn't know where I live, what my last name is, what my real email is, or even that I don't like beans.

Then again, he does have the power of the cosmos on his side...

The end result? Me saying, "you're no bloody saint" and "Gah! I just need to REST for a MINUTE!" to anyone that has heard this story. They haven't quite replaced "it's like prison" as a favored remark, but they're getting up there. :)

Judgy McJudgerson

Today I processed a PO from a guy who had the first name of Dwightel.

That's it. No other jokes. No "Dwitghtel, Dwitghtel, Dwitghtel I made it out of clay"...just wanted to let you know that that is a name.

I want to call him to see if he's 80, or a Junior; if he's single and if his calculator watch is functioning as it should.

Schmads

What is going on with the GoogleAds that are popping up? They're supposed to be related to the content of my blog.

The right column ones are talking about funny things and jokes...and that makes me feel good about my blog. I want people to laugh and enjoy their time in my demented world.

The ones on the left hand side are about men finding Asian women to date. And that somehow bothers me. I don't have anything against that demographic - I love General Tso's chicken, nuclear missles, and advances in technology like any other Denver-ite...but I don't get how my blog equals that. And yes, for the brainiacs out there, I realize that by me describing it, they are more likely to appear. But there really wasn't any other way around that. Because typing it as A-S-I-A-N P-R-O-S-T-I-T-U-T-E-S would just get irritating.

Maybe I'll ask Mr. Wizard how Google is choosing those for my site.

And by the way...that kid looks more uncomfortable by the close contact than in wonder at whatever is causing the smoke.

Opening Up

I've decided to change my blog from private to public. I really get a kick out of people reading my site and the interactions that come with it. :)

So, now you can read my blog without the restrictions of signing in for it....and if you think it's funny you can link to it or get all of your friends reading it too! In fact, you can print off my posts and give them to a family member at Christmas, Kwanzaa, or Labor Day. It's what all the cool kids are doing!

You've probably noticed that I have also added a Google search bar and things that rhyme with schmads (the terms of use of these schmads indicate that I cannot promote them on my site). I hope those don't turn you off and you still find my site sexy...even after all this time.

Yay Iliza!

Female comics are so rare. GOOD female comics are even more scarce. :)

I adore this girl. So glad she made it through last night. :)

Must love dogs

Dear friends,

I apologize for not filling you in on my dating life. This is mainly due to two reasons:
1) there has not been a dating life of mine to speak of, and
2) prospective dating partners have gotten creepy.

Do you remember this post? 'Member when I said that it was a nice first date - a nice way to get back into the dating world? I lied...err...reported it too soon. He soon showed his true colors by becoming an increasingly insecure person and cried himself to sleep because an email I wrote was too short (and therefore meant that I hated him and his cat). Alas, there is more to the story, but I am not kidding. And just for those that are wondering, yes - it was that quick of a flip with that little warning.

Because of these kind of stories, Larry the co-worker, has decided to start letting me know that it is my fault and I am sabotaging dates. He claims that no one can have as many bad dates as I do. Yeah, well...if you're like Larry then you don't know me well. I'm the person who has bad luck in just about anything - cars, refrigerators, and TVs to name a few.

Anyway, I have found that on the internet there are a surprisingly large number of people who write "must love dogs" in their profile. First, that was a BAD movie and I love John Cusak. That's like me referencing "Hercules" or "Glitter." Second, how much do I have to love dogs? Like do they have to sleep with us? Do I have to promise to dress them up? Do we allow them to lick us on the mouth? If the answer is "yes" to any of these questions, I say no to you.

And just so you know, there have been several guys who I have found quite charming...they just don't seem to think the same about me.

For those who are poo-pooing on my dating style, please know that I get that you care, that you think I'm great, and that you want me to happy BUT that I don't want to hear it! I'm surprised by the people who say "Oh come on! You can do so much better!" All evidence to the contrary! Do you have a guy that you can set me up with? No? Well, neither does anyone else. And me standing on the corner of Colfax and ANY STREET trying to get a date isn't helping. All I'm getting from that is a raging UTI. And yes, I'm kidding.

Since I'm still on my soapbox, if I have to hear another person say "it happens when you're not looking" I will die, wait to be buried, decompose slightly, and then come back as a ghost to haunt you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Because while that might've worked for you, it does not work for all people. That is advice from people who are married (either happily or unhappily). They are the same people that start their sentences with "You know what you should do..." They dispense advice on weddings, birth plans, names for babies, putting your baby on schedule, spanking, etc. They're probably vegan too just so they can tell you about the perils of meat.

Here's my disclaimer and clarification. Please read it so I'll never have to write it again. I am happy with my life. Really. I recognize that there are all sorts of great people who do not ever get married. I have allowed the possibility that I may be one of those people to enter my brain. I've even become friends with that idea. But I also think that that doesn't release me from the desire to want to have a great relationship with another person. And since I've never been someone who sits back and allows things to simply happen to me, it's no surprise that I'm opening a few doors to increase the possibilty of that happening. At the very least, at least that'll be one less Saturday night spent alone eating a pint of ice cream watching "Beaches." And no, I'm not kidding.

Yikes, I read back over this and I think someone has let her tooth pain get to her.

Okay, this is where I'll sheepishly back away from my soap box.

Just know that I write about the dates and prospective dates to get a laugh. SOME things are exaggerated in the hopes to make you laugh. I write this so that when I'm complaining about my dating life you don't post something like "I told you so" or "Well, you're the one who didn't want to eat ice cream by herself." Note: "Beaches" is best watched by yourself. That way the hiccuping, sobbing, and copious fluids pouring out of your face don't take away from the beauty of "Wind Beneath My Wings."

Work, take 2

So I went in yesterday after taking Vicodin.

Here's what happened:

I started to get foggy, my reaction to picking the right word was..................slow.

I almost got fake karate-chopped and kicked in the face by a co-worker (no, I'm not kidding - but it was funny).

Then I realized I was HIGH as a kite. Ooooh! It was fun!

Then like 15 minutes later I realized I was so not doing well. It was as if I was in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where things SEEM like they're going well and then you get in the boat in the tunnel and Charlie starts singing that uber weird song.

Things started to get creepy and I started to get dizzy, sleepy, and nauseous at the same time.

After tossing my cookies and fighting the strong desire to fall asleep on our bathroom floor, I opted to go home. I pretty much passed out as soon as I got home. Seriously, I am not even sure that I petted Chassis as I walked in the door - I just walked back to my bed and slept. Fully clothed on top of the sheets.

But now I feel better.

So I'm just going to take Tylenol or Ibuprofen and deal with the pain. Because that "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" song is still stuck in my head.

'Cause you're a dennnnnntist!

So long story short, I went to my endodontist (he's like a surgeon for teeth) yesterday.

I first met with him a couple of weeks ago. And I just have to get this out of the way. He's so very good looking. Kind of a jerk-hole, but super hot. And single. And I think that he likes me because he could NOT keep his hands out of my mouth!

Okay then...

So yesterday I had a retreatment done on a tooth that I've already had a root canal on. It's like a do-over.

The good news? Dr. Cameron is still has hot as what I remembered. He found another canal, hole, area, etc. that wasn't drilled by my dentist. And he drilled deeper than before. Apparently I have big, long teeth. He kept saying, "You have really long teeth, my dear!" which made me feel like I was forgetting the line in some children's bedtime story. Is that when I'm supposed to say "the better to eat you with?" because that's just creeptacular.

The bad news? He ran out of anesthesia before he finished. Which means I was in quite a bit of pain when he stopped.

And what do you know? The pain hasn't stopped.

But I'm going to try to be a brave little toaster and go into work today anyway. Sure it hurts to talk. Sure, that's the major factor of my job. But I'm running very low on sick/personal/vacation days and really? I just don't want to spend the day sleeping and hopped up on Vicodin. By the way, it makes me SUPER sleepy...so maybe I shouldn't take it before driving and going to work.

(sigh)

But the pain won't stop. So Vicodin it is!

Oh, alcohol...I still drink to your health

Did you feel strange yesterday? It wasn't heartburn from your dinner. Well, maybe it was. But it was also because we, as Coloradoans, can now buy alcohol on Sundays.

Chick-Fil-A...you're next.

Independence

So I read my friend's blog. Err...her kids' blog. Actually, I'm not sure who's blog it is, but it's good. She, like me, has had her reasons to keep her blog private.

Anyway, she was blogging about what yesterday meant to her - and suffice it to say, it didn't have a lot to do with our country. I hope that it is okay that I quote her - especially since I'm still not sure what the etiquette of blogging is. Please, in all sincerity, let me know if it's not.

One of the things that I loved from her blog was this:
"But the 4th is all about independence, right? And independence is what I've wanted. The chance to be myself, the chance to have my own opinions. "... "The chance to stand on my own two feet and raise my fist in the air and say I WON'T LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE."

I can't begin to tell you what this little blurb meant to me - I've thought about it quite a bit since I read it yesterday morning. In the context of her life, and in mine. It's funny how two people can be in such different places in their life, a thought I'm sure I had 10 years ago.

I suppose part of me is proud that I'm independent. I've worked very hard to become so. Growing up in my family, money seemed to be a big control factor so I was so very thankful when I was able to be financially independent. I've made sure that I've never stayed in a place too long - I always wanted to be able to go where it pleased me to go and move to whatever job suited me best at the time. I'm 31. I've owned three homes, I've had multiple dogs, and I am living in the place where I was born - a place I've wanted to get back to since we moved when I was 7, a place I mentally called home when no place else felt safe. Career-wise, I'm an engineer... and I'm almost always amazed at how it seems to impress the parents of whomever I'm dating.

My mom likes to tell the story of how I never really liked to be touched when I was a kid. I'm sure I wanted to be nurtured for what I felt was an appropriate amount, but I didn't want to be cuddled, I didn't want to be fussed over. When I learned how to crawl and then walk, I didn't want to be carried any more. I'm sure that my desire to be independent and not allow someone else to make the choices led to me being overweight - I wanted to control me in any and all ways that I could. Suffice it to say, I've been independent in varying degrees my whole life.

You'll understand how weird it is then, that I feel most loved when other people depend on me. I don't see dependence as a weakness in anyone else. I love nothing more than to help encourage someone else, help them feel loved, beautiful, important, and fantastic - exactly the way they are. I enjoy nurturing others and giving back. Sometimes, when I feel most empty, I push to volunteer - because what I get back from doing it feels better than anything else in the world. Well...almost anything else. ;) Somehow I feel good knowing that I'm strong enough to shoulder whatever burden that a situation carries with it. I'm happy to take on more if it means someone else having an easier time.

Independence IS what I've wanted.

My big struggle these days is acknowledging my desire to be dependent.

My desire to completely trust another human being.

My desire to recognize that my life is out of control, and I require a higher power to lean on. My desire to acknowledge that being strong all the time, or even most of the time, doesn't have as high of a pay off as what I had hoped.

I'm 31 and although my life feels full from time to time, I'm tired of being independent, of being the one who makes all the decisions.

I'm ready to lean...or at least ready to learn how to lean.

Pride has gotten me this far...perhaps humility will take me the rest of the way.

Love at first site...

I love my blog.

Jen created this beautiful specimen that you're looking at right now. Seriously people - she rocks it out!

First, she was so very helpful. She is so patient and her customer service can't be beat. She made it to my liking and was great at coming up with ideas. I love the light background with a hint of green. I love the daisies (even the little one at the top of this tab!) and I love the plaid border (an homage to my first pair of happy fun pants). Doesn't seem like they go together? Well, they do. So there.

I love my blog.

And just so I can beat you to it, I love it so much I think I *will* marry it.

Spousal privilege

So I envision my future with my husband. It goes a little something like this:

It's in the morning and we're eating croissants and sipping mimosas while still in our robes. My hair is still a little tousled but it's in a sexy way rather than a "I couldn't get a brush through this hair even if I tried" way.

I'm reading the New York Times while he's catching up on my latest blog entry. We laugh and laugh at my witty sense of humor. He winks at me after he notices that I put a reference in for just him. Our eyes lock across the table and he knows that he is so lucky to be with this funny, brilliant person.

When we're done gazing at each other, we get up from the table...allowing our maid to come in and throw away the dishes (we're so rich, we can afford new place settings daily and besides, it's smart to conserve water!). He then picks up the phone to call his buddies and they go over the humor of my blog like most guys go through plays made by their favorite football teams. Comparing blog posts like others would compare stats.

Okay, I know...you're thinking that I'm not being realistic at all... and you're right. I mean, we probably couldn't afford new place settings every day - we'd probably have to re-use them once.

Seriously ladies, is this realistic? Do your husbands/boyfriends even read your blogs or is it a special occasion when they do? If they used to read it often, has it slacked as your marriage has continued? I'm wondering if they still read it when you're essentially blogging about their life too. Even if you're not blogging about your life together, they probably hear all the stuff you're writing about anyway, right?

So sad it's silly...

So the blog page is coming along beautifully thanks to Jen.

I've been looking for some cool fonts to use as my header. Wait, let me rephrase. I've been looking for new fonts for Jen to use in my header.

I came across a font called "Bring In The Frowns."

These are so sad, they're cute.

I wonder how they got to be so sad... maybe it's because you'd have to pay $24.00 to use them. I would think they would be vastly under-used. Our economy must be bad when even letters can't get work.

And by the way, when did the test sentence of change from "the quick fox jumped over the brown log and some other words to make this sentence have every letter in it including z" to the, by comparison, lengthy statement they have at the bottom of the page?

The paragraph starts with us picking jonquils and ends with jaded zombies driving oxen quietly. Which, in all honesty, perplexes me. I mean, if zombies are going to show themselves in public, will they really be intent on motivating oxen? And what do they have to be jaded about? They're frickin' UNDEAD. Cranky, smelly, or even tired I could buy...but jaded?

Why, it makes me frown just thinking about it.

Bike to work day, part duex

I made it to work on Wednesday without getting hit by a car once! :)

Actually, that is not as big of a feat as not throwing up or passing out. Ever since my problem with my balls, I've been a little dizzy in the mornings...and when I bike without having anything in my stomach I start feeling really woozy. I've tried eating and then waiting 30 minutes - which according to my mom is enough time to settle the stomach for anything - and I will throw up after biking for about 5 minutes. It's really nice for the other cyclists, walkers, drivers passing by, and my overall attractiveness factor.

My co-worker, Larry the cyclist, told me that he has that problem too. He recommended eating a package of these little blocks of energy, stating that they taste just like gummy bears.

Larry is a liar.

First, when you start chewing them, they almost start melting in your mouth. They taste of not of delectable sweets from my past but rather some sort of health gel. Also, they are not in the shape of gummy bears, which is half of the enjoyment of eating gummies.

However, these little blocks of energy goo kept me from tossing my cookies...er...gel blocks... and kept me on my bike.

The actual biking was fun even if the ride back was brutal due to the heat wave that Denver has been experiencing. It was a short ride and if I ride my bike partially to work again, I'll make sure to do so in the fall.

Plus, I have a free t-shirt. And really, isn't that the most important thing?

New look coming soon!

My good friend Jen is designing a blog page especially for me! I am so excited about it that I'm having a hard time making decisions!

You can view the preview of it here and see how it evolves! :)

Thanks so much Jen!!!! :) :) :) :) She has designed several websites so far and they all have their own feel - which I think is absolutely great. I have some ideas about what I definitely do want (three columns, label cloud, etc.), but the general design is what I'm stumbling on.

I'm sure I'm the worst client she's had. Because I'm all "Oh! That would be pretty too!" I having a hard time deciding what I would like - which I'm sure makes her want to beat me silly with a pair of happy fun pants. :)

I'm having a hard time deciding if I want to try to work in the story of the happy fun pants or if I want to go with something with daisies. Because, unless you live in some sort of compound, you probably know by now that I adore daisies.

They don't teach you that in Sunday School...

Okay, this post is not for the faint at heart.

Today, my friend Kelly Story stopped by to drop off a free ticket for next week's 4th of July shindig. I'm not sure what's involved other than fireworks, drag racing, and beer, but I think it'll be fun anyway. :)

So for some reason, I went over to Lance's cube. And one of our other co-workers walks up and says "Jokes are funny." Pause.

He says that he's got a great joke.

But then he can't remember it.

So he tried to remember it.

Still no joke.

We tried to change the subject and that's when he said "What's the difference between rape and seduction?" My jaw dropped.

He can't remember the punchline. I really tried to change the subject.

He says, "I remember! Salesmanship."

Uh. I said "That's not funny, it's scary. And untrue."

A guy from the shop walks up, having heard this and says, "it's like my buddy used to say...when a Jehovah Witness comes to his door and asks if he found Christ, he says, 'Yeah and I want to file press charges because he raped me.' Haha. When they ask me that I just say I worship Satan. And you know? I've never had one person come back."

I was all WHAT?!?!!?! I don't even know what else to say.

I mean, I am shocked. All this time, I thought Jesus was a pacifist!

Okay, seriously... what is WRONG with the people I work with?

Thoughts of mine

People, I've got a lot of thoughts bouncing around my mind these day - so many, in fact, that I feel like I don't even know where to start blogging about them. Some are not important, and some are worrisome. UGH.

For instance, I'm finding that I don't want to be around people for some reason. I'm really not sure what that is about, but it's true! Like, if I have the option of hanging out with friends, volunteering, or even going on a date, I'm just not that into it.

I have a busy docket for the next couple of weeks - and maybe that's the issue.

Maybe I've gotten more introverted as I've grown up.

Maybe it's because I spend all day on the phone striving to give the best customer service to people who could care less.

Maybe it's because my thoughts seem to be revolving around an issue that there is no win-win to...one that I have a hard time talking to people about for fear of judgement, advice I am not asking for, or worse, the realization that there will never be a win-win.

I'm not sure, but I just want my space these days.

And what I see that I'm doing is pushing away people that I do care about. Because the alternative to doing something with these people is watching re-runs of Top Chef or some crap like that. (Which, by the way, I LOVE BRAVO TV!)

Anyway, if you can help me figure out how to get over this, that'd be swell. I find myself these days replying "yes" for things and then as they're coming closer I'm all "that would cut into my happy fun pants wearing time." It's not the money involved...it's not the driving...it's not even usually the specific people. It's that they are people.

Am I crazy?

Tell me you've gone through this, you know someone who has, or you have some sort of suggestion...because I have no clue WTF to do about it all.

Bike to work day

Today is Colorado's Bike To Work Day.

And even though I live quite a distance from work, I'm going to participate... by biking PART of the way to work.

I'm nervous because our company has actually entered a competition with other small companies (clarification: our company is big, but our office in Denver is small) and right now (according to our coordinator) we are in the lead with people.

I committed to going, I scoped out my route yesterday and I am relatively excited to go.

I couldn't sleep all night because I kept waking up, sure that I had slept through an alarm and not left me enough time to bike to work. Then I'd be called a wussy and likely stoned.

So - I'm off to work (okay, after I pack my bag).

Like I say to my dog every day when I leave:
Okay, I love you. I'll be back later. Be a good internet*, guard the blog* while I'm gone.

* = with Chassis, I say girl and house, respectively. :)

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!

Email today (non-doctored - the lines, breaks, punctuation, etc. are all his):

----start of message----
Goodness. _
Has anyone ever told you,
that you look like that actress who played Marsha...in the Brady Bunch?
Unfortunately, I cant remember her name now.
`
Uhh...No, I wasn't paying you a complement because I want you to like me.
_*L.O.L.*_
I simply mentioned it, because its true.

---end of message----

Now, this was from a guy who was in his 40s, so maybe he had a thing for Maureen McCormick, but she is now 52.

Ummm...just so you know, you're not going to get in a 31 year old's pants by saying that she looks like she's 52. Or, if he loved the early episodes, maybe he wants me to look like I'm 13 years old. But really? Whichever one he's hoping I look like means that he will be disappointed.

I simply mention it because it's true.

Today's chemistry picture

Today I woke up to see what five matches chemistry.com had for me.

In one of the profiles, the guy had this picture:
While I get why he'd like to make sure that everyone else's identity in the picture was hidden, did he realize that it looks like a Guantanamo Bay luncheon?

Seriously - doesn't it look like there are cloth bags over their heads?

Might want to look that up...

So I opened up my dating site this morning...was perusing through the "matches" that they sent me.

There is one who did not put up a picture...I read this and started laughing, knowing that I would need to share:

"First of all I am not a photogenic person, but I'm pleasing to the eyes. I won't hurt you at first sight. I've been told I'm passive-aggressive, whatever that means. If I see something I like I go after it. Other than that I'm passive and cool. I like to go out to eat, but I can stay home and get down in the kitchen. "

(sigh)

Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up.

Men, men, and more men

Hey peoples.

Yesterday I went on my first chemistry.com date. I have to say, the guy was super nice, but despite the name of the site, there was no chemistry. It was, however, such a great way to break into the dating scene again and I'm glad that I'm actively trying to search out someone else.

BUT the most exciting thing that happened yesterday is that I saw my ex-boyfriend, B-Ryce. After I saw that it was him, I literally ducked across the street to hide. He did not see me. For those that have known me for a little while, he was the law school guy that I dated 5 years ago for a year. Clean cut, all American, apple pie guy... he was the guy that I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to land. He has OCD, which he was sadly under medicated for and had some serious issues. He actually played a game with his roommate called "Tell me when you can see the poop." Because I know your head may explode from reading that, I'll answer some questions:
1) Yes, that is the real name of the game.
2) Yes, they were both guys.
3) Yes, it really is a game that they played multiple times.
4) Yes, it the name is very reflective of what the game was about.
5) No, they were never drunk when playing that game.

So anyway, there were MANY signs that indicated to me and others that he was gay. But a short while after we stopped dating I found out that he was going to marry someone. A female - this happened over three years ago.

But yesterday, while at the MINI dealership getting my car aligned, I saw him cross the street...I saw him go over to a man, hug him, kiss him on the lips, and then shop for a car together.

I'm not writing this post to make fun of him or to out someone. But I am writing because I was so happy to realize that him not wanting to have sex with me had everything to do with that I didn't have the correct appendage rather than that I wasn't cute enough, that I didn't have the cutest hairstyle, that I left rambling voice messages, that my place wasn't antiseptic enough, that I weighed too much, that I laughed too loud, that I didn't run enough, that I didn't live downtown, or that I didn't dress feminine enough. It was years of doubt that came to fruition in a very vindicating way.

Lastly, today marks one year since Jon and I broke up. I have learned so much about myself in this past year and have many of you to thank for your support, love, and thoughtfulness. I've realized that there are many reasons why people might choose to stray and have understood my place in that mix. I've realized that things are not so black and white.

I know - this wasn't a funny post - but it is the way that I feel today.

Take that, high school English teachers!

I got this from my friend, Jen. I'm not sure where she found it from, but yay!

Movie Reviews

I have to say that I don't think that this is accurate because really? Nothing about my blog is genius.

That, however, will not stop me from sending that picture to my high school English teachers who clearly did not like my writing style, content, readability, or even font.

Cornered

The lady who smells like cigarettes and sunflower seeds has a bad habit. She's a close talker. She's a close everything...but a REALLY close talker. Like, she'll come up to you and tell you something, but gets about 6 inches away from your face. It really gets gross when she's eating sunflower seeds at the same time and little sunflower seed spittles fly out of her mouth.

Because of her, I've gotten good at ducking spit. And therefore, my skills at dodging kisses from unwated suitors (I'm going to pretend that there will be some in my future) are getting better. Did I just wish unwanted suitors upon myself? Yes, apparently I did.

Anyway, I've gotten pretty good about slowly backing away as she's talking to me. It works best if I cross my legs as I'm standing and then slowly back one leg behind the other - almost as is I'm fidgeting and that's why I'm moving my legs. She'll move closer and I'll move further away - a little dance interrupted by coughing and sunflower particles experiencing their airborne freedom.

Today, during a facinating story of the last movie she saw on Lifetime TV (no, I'm not kidding), we moved the space of 2 full cubicles.

She didn't even realize that we had walked all that way together.

Joining the cyber-dating world

Last night I did it.

I joined the cyber-dating world.

My profile is...um..okay.

So far I've had not the best luck though.

The one guy that was interested in me so far is an Aussie (hello! I love accents!) but he is literally only interested in a "casual encounter" relationship. He's in a relationship, but he's looking for a lover on the side because "we all need love."

Um...no. I wouldn't even shake his hand. Are you kidding me? I'd be just asking for an STD.

And WHY did he have to say that was all he's interested in? Why can't he just buy me a couple drinks, try to get as far as he can with me, and then never call me again like other guys have tried to do?

I guess I have to give him points for being upfront. However creepy it might be.

Less of a chance that Chaney might shoot me in the face...

Last night I finished my taxes.

Yay!

What?

Tax day is June 10th, right?

So. Very. Excited.

Remember the whole reason of why I started this blogspot account? It was because my blogs on myspace were getting deleted...as I entered a new blog, I would erase my oldest one. And that's just sad.

Today, I was remembering that statement that once something is on the internet, it can't really ever be erased. So I googled "happy fun pants" and came up with a cached version of my old blog stuff on myspace.

I wish that I could have copied the comments too. Suffice it say, I was thrilled that the stuff I'd written was found again.

I do remember deleting a lot of stuff about Jon after we broke up. And honestly? I wish I hadn't. I'm not necessarily happy about how that relationship ended, but at the same time, it happened. And I don't ever want to delete things in my life - I'm stronger for having gone through them - no matter what hell it felt like at the time.

Anyway, I'm not necessarily expecting you to go back and read the archives (everything pre- February 2008) but I'm glad that my favorite blog posts are reunited with me. :)

My favorites? Funny or not so funny?, What's In A Name?, and How Not to End a Date.

(sigh)

I love the internet. :)

I can't drive...35!

Today I opened my mail and saw this:

For the record, 35 is a stupid speed to be going in that area anyway.


What makes it worse was that I KNEW that I got the ticket when it happened. I was driving to get my new haircut.


And I think we can all agree that *that* was money well spent.

Oh, and the officer's name? Operator Peace. Way to mock me, electronic ticket/picture taker van.

Incidentally, I'm thinking of using the picture as the one to go out with Christmas cards this year. Let me know if you'd like one for your wallet. :)

Never again!!!!

Songs I never want to hear again:
ANY song by Nickleback. I can't pick one out from another because THEY ALL SOUND THE SAME. And by same, I mean bad.

The ad I never want to see again:
The stupid Yoplait ad where the women are dressed up in bridesmaid dresses talking about how good the yogurt is ("burning this dress good!") UGH! Seriously? How many more years am I going to have to see this crap? I think it's been on for a decade and I can't take it anymore. I literally don't want to buy Yoplait because of that commercial. It's like "I want to scream during the whole commercial so I don't have to hear it again bad."

And yes, listening to these IS like prison!

Victory...

Today I heated up a meal for lunch and was oh-so careful to remove the top so I wouldn't get burnt by the steam in the container.

Me (after I removed the top without getting burnt): Yeah, that's right steam! You can suck it!

One co-worker: Wow. I'd like to spend some time in her mind.

Short pause.

Me and the other people in the same room at the same time: No you wouldn't.

I've got WHAT?!?!

Sorry I've been MIA the last couple of days.

I had a good day on Saturday, errands were completed, appointments were made, and I even hung out with some friends.

Then I had a headache. A bad one.

I went to bed, woke up on Sunday and realized that it had gotten worse. Since nothing else was working , I took a narcotic that I had from an old root canal (great idea by the way) and realized that I was so nauseous and dizzy that attempting to sleep it off was the only option.

Monday morning? Same thing.

So I went to the doctor.

Did you know that you have balls in your ears? Well you do.

That you don't know that you do means that your balls are fine. Mine on the other hand? Slightly defective.

That's what causes the spinning, the dizziness, the nausea, and the kleptomania.

What? Your soup spoon totally looks better in my house than it did yours.

No really...get me a muzzle.

We have an uber cranky receptionist where I work. She is one of those people that maybe has lived a really tough life. She doesn't realize that her happiness, despite whatever has happened to her, is her own responsibility. She is angry all the time, complains about anything, is selfish, greedy, and just unhappy. She has comments about my appearance EVERY day. For example, one day I wore a cute outfit that was a skirt and cute top. I wore open toed sandals. She was appalled that I was wearing that at work because I had NO PANTY HOSE ON. She didn't call me a whore, but she definitely danced around that insinuation.

She saps my strength and most days I try to do anything I can to avoid even walking by her desk.

Anyway, she has been out the past two weeks dealing with recuperating from back surgery. It has been marvelous. Really, it's amazing at how much more positive the energy is in our office.

We have a new temp until cranky-pants returns. She is 20. Her name is Sandra. She is pretty. She wears cute clothes, but looks clean and like a good kid.

The other day, I was walking by her desk and saw that she was on the internet. At the time, I didn't know what she was looking at, but it was a black background and I could make out the picture of a very attractive woman in a very provocative pose. You know the one…it's the picture of the women that are on myspace and when you add them as friends they just want to sell you hair growth products.

Because I try to be funny and joke, I said, "You know, Sandra…we aren't allowed to look at porn at work."

She stammered and said that it wasn't porn. I looked closer and saw that it was a myspace page. So instead of saying something like "Hey, I have one of those too!" I said, "You may call that myspace, but it clearly is porn." And she was all "No! It's myspace!" And because I was still trying to be funny, I was all "Look at that picture - she's pretty much only wearing a bra - it's totally porn!" Now, although my take on the picture was accurate, I was just trying to make her laugh. Maybe to say something about how her friend does kind of look like that…but really, she's a hooker with a heart of gold.

Instead, she scrolled down to where I could see other pictures in a flash player. Other pictures of HER…with her family. DOH!

I just walked away. Because really? You can't repair that situation. I hopped away on one foot as the other one was lodged firmly in my mouth.

Yesterday I said something funny and NON-offensive and she laughed. I took this opportunity to say that I am a dumb-ass who likes to joke around a lot. If I ever say anything to upset her, I hope that she knows that I'm just kidding and that I'm just trying to be funny. And that I apologized for anything I've ever said or would say to make her feel uncomfortable. She was all, "um…okay."

I think I made up for it though…because I walked by her desk later and asked someone who was by her desk how I was going to be able to breathe with no air. Sandra giggled, while the older lady was very confused.

See...I may be able to put my foot completely in my mouth, but I can also make some pop culture reference to redeem myself too.

Muzzle

A guy at work recently got a puppy.

I'm *really* trying not to tell him what to do with it, how to train it, etc. But it's really difficult.

Like, he wants to leave this three month old puppy in the backyard. He's against crating because he feels it's mean and plus - won't he get bored? Um YEAH. That's when he eats your couch or creates massive holes in the backyard.

But recently, the dog ran away (he dug out and broke part of the fence) and was found by someone who took it to the vet on the tag on the collar. (Side note: my co-worker was all, 'Cool. We don't even need a tag for it! If people find him, they'll just take him to the vet and then we'll pick him up from there!') From there, they feel he picked up kennel cough. Because it was too loud (the coughing) on Tuesday night, they decided they'd leave him outside Tuesday night because they couldn't sleep.

(sigh)

I'm REALLY trying to keep my mouth shut. Because in reality, what they are doing is not going to kill it. I mean, dogs have been outside for centuries and have been just fine.

But it's a three month old PUPPY who digs, gets into trouble and could choke or eat just about anything back there. That's why they need supervision. This puppy? It's a Newfoundland. So he's going to be big. I asked my co-worker if they were going to do any training and he was all, 'Nah. I'm sure it'll be fine. He only jumps a little now and besides, it's cute.'

I thought my head was going to explode.

A new low

Today I recited some words from a VERY dorky* rap song with a friend of mine.

When I stopped, he continued. When he stopped, I continued. I didn't continue because I could hear the snickers from the cubes around me at work.

Really, even the people that mocked Vanilla Ice were probably rolling over in their graves, shaking their ghost heads at the two dorkiest white people ever.

I was laughing my butt off when I got off the phone though. Seriously, it was silly, delightfully funny, and reminded me that shaving lines in your eyebrows was a poor fashion trend.

Word to your mother.

*it was not dorky at the time. It was cool.

Something's gotta' give...

This song, "Something's Gotta' Give" by LeAnn Rimes is my new favorite sad, pathetic I'm-not-even-dating-someone-so-I'll-probably-grow-old- and-live-alone-with-90-thousand-cats song.

I was going to post the video here, but it just may be one of the stupidest videos I've seen. And I can't be liking that.

Anyway, this song has finally replaced "Someone Else's Star" by Bryan White. The Bryan White song has held the aforementioned title since my senior year in high school, so it's probably about time that it be de-throned.

(sigh)

A new distraction

This morning, while planting daisies in my front area (I would call it a yard, but it's too small) with my mom, I met my neighbor, her brother, and his two friends.

Her brother? So. Very. Cute. Has dimples, grey eyes (okay, they *might* be hazel) and really seemed to like my dog.

Now, I'm not one of those crazy people that thinks that if my dog likes a guy that he's "The One." Because my dog also thinks that liking her bum is a great thing. BUT I do like it when a guy seems to really like my dog.

Anyway, in case you're wondering, he lives in Vail and is just visiting her sister for the weekend. He does have a name, but I was so busy trying to brush the smudge of dirt from my face that I didn't catch it.

Was he as funny as the guy from Reno? No. That could be because he was very hungover or it could be because it is impossible.

But I have to move on at some point, right?

(sigh)

Well, at least having him around here from time to time will keep me from looking like complete ass when I walk outside my house. :)

Ringing sexy back...

I now have a new phone and a new cell phone service.

After much debate, I decided to switch to AT&T and decided NOT to get an iPhone. Honestly, what I need is a phone - I don't use it to check email, to play mp3s, to manage any tasks, or to send or receive pictures/media. SO I decided that spending that much money on a cool phone (albeit a cool phone) was not the right choice right now.

The phone that I ended up with is this one...
It may not look like it from the picture above, but it is one hot phone!

I love that it's a slider (so I'm not likely to call you by accident while singing in the car) style.

It's so sexy... (I know...you're asking yourself, "How sexy IS it?")

It is so sexy that I refuse to be surprised if I get one night stand proposals after showing it to people.

I'm thinking of dangling it from a choker around my neck the next time I go out on the town.

What? Too much? :)

Happy birthday, Lizard-breath! :)

Today is my little sister's birthday - she is 28.

(sigh) LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS! :) :) :)



Happy birthday to the best little sister I could've asked for.

Alright, she's more than just another beautiful person. Did you know that she's going to graduate at the top of her class in December with her nursing degree? Yeah, well it's true. AND she's that girl...who's had a lot of tough things happen to her and she still manages to see the best in anyone.

She rocks. I want to be more like her when I grow up.

More freckles than before...

I spent an hour and fifteen minutes today riding around REI.

I found a way better route than the one before. It goes down a much less busy street.

I didn't bike as far as I wanted and I didn't bike the whole time (the new route, though less busy, still had that VERY steep hill that I just couldn't pedal up the whole way). I've been taking my wheel off and DRIVING to REI or another spot just to bike - mostly because I was feeling inadequate with going on six lane streets and blaring horns. It's worked okay, but taking apart my bike to get it in and out of the car has not been great and I haven't biked as often as I had planned because of the hassle. In fact, due to many personal issues, I haven't biked in weeks.

Today I woke up and was feeling unease. With what, I'm still not sure, but it was unease. I blogged, I ate lunch, I cleaned around the house and still couldn't shake what my friend calls 'The Crazy' and I knew that talking about it wouldn't really help...so I decided to sweat it out.

And I am so happy I did.

I got a bike because I wanted it to be a stress-reliever. And today I was so thankful that I had that. I had a ton more reasons of why I shouldn't have gone - it was 2:30 and pretty hot outside. But I knew that that is what I needed.

The wind was at my back the way down to Broadway so the way back was a bear at times, but it was great! :)

I came back home with about 50 more freckles than what I had before and a slightly saner mind.

Go me.

Not because I got back on the bike. Not because I biked 11 miles (by rough calculation via Google Maps). Not because I found a new route. Not even because I seemed to have mastered the grip shifts.

But because I listened to my body and my spirit. I didn't bury the feelings of inadequacy, of loss, of doubt, and of frustration. I acknowledged them for what they were, and did something healthy with my body instead of beating my mind up all day long.

Oprah would be proud. :)

Happy birthday, Jon! :)

Happy birthday to my favorite Jon. :)

Jon, the guy who squashed a roach in my room when he didn't even know me just because I was terrified.

The guy who let me cry on his shoulder and his pillow whenever I needed to - the guy who I could show up at his door, start crying and say that I needed a hug and always gave me what I needed.

The guy who when my dad forgot my birthday my freshman year, not once but twice, put up a HUGE banner that stated it was my birthday across the water fountain just to make me feel loved.

Jon, the guy who has been the big brother I never had.

There is not a thing I wouldn't do for you...including falling out your passenger door drunk and breaking your boyfriend's heirloom napkin ring.

All kidding aside, I hope you know how much you always will mean to me. Thanks for helping me learn that trusting people is a good thing, for being my mentor, my friend. For seeing me as I really am and loving me anyway.

I love you...here's to 32 being your best year yet.

Guilty...

I'm struggling.

Have you ever heard yourself say something to a friend and as the words come out of your mouth you're thinking, 'Wow. I am really sounding crazy here. This is not healthy.' and you still keep talking as if you're not thinking that?

I had that experience on Friday night while talking to my friends Matt and Kelly.

I feel guilty for the stupidest things. And honestly, I'm not entirely sure where that came from.

When I was a kid, I was (by my parent's and sisters accounts) a horrible child. Like I was all strong willed and apparently NO babysitters wanted to babysit if I was going to be there too. Really. I must've been a horrible little child. And unfortunately, I've been reminded of this period of my life that I don't even remember so many times that it's a constant record playing over and over in the background of my head. I'm sure there were good things about me as a child, like when I was sleeping, but I'm not aware of many of them. Because I don't remember those times (I don't even remember thinking those things that made me act like a brat) I feel like I've had to pay for someone else's mistakes and I have to be twice as good, twice as responsible, twice as kind - one for me, and one for the devil child that reigned supreme.

So I lived in black and white. I babysat for a friend's siblings who were absolute hellions as a way of paying back the babysitters I don't even remember. I made sure that I said what I thought I should, made sure to try to live the way my parents wanted me to, didn't break any rules, and didn't take anything from anyone without paying them back. My friends from high school can probably name several instances where this was not true, but I remember feeling like this is something that I had to do and be at all times. It's no wonder I cracked from time to time and behaved like the kid I was.

I've let go of some of those things...but the one thing I've held onto is not taking anything for free. I mean, I feel REALLY guilty for it. I've never been completely comfortable with receiving gifts from friends even on my birthday, and if I have something that needs fixing for my house I'd rather hire a contractor to charge me 500 times what it would really cost than picking up the phone and asking for help. It's not true across the board (my best friend Kelly is making a quilt for me and I love that idea versus feeling guilty about it...but I made sure to pay for all of the materials and plan on sending her something really nice in return) but for the most part, it holds true.

So Friday night I'm literally having an argument with Matt and Kelly (did they even know?) about how I can't take things for free. I feel horrible that Matt is going to drive up to my place after a really hard day of work and climb downstairs into my smelly (no, I have NO idea what that smell is) basement and try to figure out what is wrong with a light receptacle. He's going to figure it out and (gasp!) maybe even fix it. And as the words, "no, no...I wouldn't want you to do that" are coming out of my mouth I'm thinking, 'What the HELL is wrong with you? This guy clearly is okay with doing it or he wouldn't offer...you don't really want to pay lots of money for a guy to come by and do it why won't you just say okay?' So I did. I said okay. Meanwhile, I'm thinking immediately of what I can do to pay him back. Do I get them a gift card to someplace special? Kelly literally owns a catering company so it's not like I'm going to make them dinner (unless they really like mac and cheese and hot dogs or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches). UGH.

I'm not posting this so either one of them will tell me to not get them something.

I'm posting this so I can realize just how silly this is. I love doing things for people without them asking and without receiving anything in return. It's that I can't understand why people would offer to do things for me without expecting anything in return. Don't they know I was a bad kid? And I know...it is crazy. So I've got to get over it. I've got to let it go and I've got to move on. It's not healthy and it's no way to live my life. And if I ever meet someone who doesn't mind the crazy that is me and actually thinks they'd like to be saddled with me for the rest of my life and we have little crazy kids of our own, I don't want to pass this on to them.

(sigh)

Tough Times

Okay, people. If you've noticed that my take on things have been absent or that I haven't been blogging as regularly, that's because you are right and I haven't wanted to face it.

At times, I want to blog about so many things at once...so many things are bouncing around in my head that I think I have almost a writer's block on how or what to write. Other times, I'm afraid of putting what I am thinking down onto my blog because: 1) I don't want to read everyone's comments about how crazy I am and b) then it will be down in print and I can't take it back.

I've been following dooce.com like a lot. And a HUGE part of me thinks that I would love to have something close to what she has. I see the good stuff in what she does and I love to laugh at her website. This morning I sat and watched her interview on Utah NOW (really? Is there so much going on in Utah that we have to capitalize NOW?). She's one brave cookie because she does write about miscarriages, about her daughter, and about tough things in life. And she writes and talks about the therapeutic part of writing...which is why I started this thing in the first place.

So, I'm telling myself that it doesn't matter if someone writes "BORING" as a comment to a blog I've posted, that it doesn't matter if someone's interest in reading my blog or me wanes because of what I put, and that it doesn't matter if people think that what I'm writing about is so weird that they back away from the computer slowly.

What matters is that I use it for what I want to use it for...and if you like it and want to come along for the ride, then great. I'm happy to skootch over and make room.

Now that's what I call random...

This morning, on my way to work, I put my iPod on random.

The songs are what came on (and no, I'm not making this up - this is not exactly the best example of the cool songs that are on my iPod):

"Hungry Like A Wolf" Duran Duran
"No Hay Igual" Nelly Furtado
"Touch of Grey" Grateful Dead *
"Goodnight and Thank you" Madonna/Antonio Banderas from the Evita Soundtrack
"Gangsta's Paradise" Coolio**
"Shut Up and Let Me Go" The Ting-Tings
"I'm My Own Grandpa" The Muppets ***
"Girlfriend" Avril Lavigne
"Crazy Love (Acoustic)" Van Morrison and Bob Dylan
"Dead Parrot Sketch" Monty Python ***
"Too Much Stereo" The Urge
"Declaration of Dependence" Steven Curtis Chapman

* This would be the only Grateful Dead song I can stand. I think it has something to do with the fact that they're dead in the video and a dog runs around with the dummer's bone in his mouth. I do like the little stoned bear that is their mascot though (he makes me want to eat gummy bears - which might be the same effect they have on stoners). Sorry, Beej.

** I didn't even know that I had this song on my iPod. Michelle Pfieffer would be proud. And if she hadn't had so much plastic surgery, I'm sure we could tell that she'd be smiling.

*** I had to skip past these this morning. 7 AM is too early to hear songs about weird potential incest from socks or a sketch about dead parrots.

My new favorite artist...

...is actually one of my older favorite artists.

Jamie Lidell. He's the guy from the Target commercial ("A Little Bit More").

Oh, and my new favorite song is "Little Bit of Feel Good" it is groovy and just swell.

My friend, the phoenix

So I've got a friend. And for you silly people in my life, pretend that I just smirked and rolled my eyes if you were thinking of retorting "Just one friend?"

Anyway, this friend has done the best job she could by being the best mom she could. I can't pretend that I know what it's like being a parent. It seems like a tough job - lots of judgement from others, lots of angst from your kids, and lots of advice from people who have no business giving you advice. Oh, and it never ends. Anyway, I'm not saying that she's the perfect mom, because there IS no perfect mom.

My friend is gifted - she writes beautifully (to my recollection, she always has) and has a lovely interest in taking pictures. And I mean of EVERYTHING. It's no surprise then, that she would clearly document the good and the troubled times in her life.

She described a feeling several times SO well in her blog that it almost took my breath away it hurt so badly. I felt horrible that she felt that way - and was also slightly scared/awed that she had somehow crawled in MY mind and was able to read the very dark thoughts that are sometimes there. She wrote about it so completely that it reminded me a side of myself I hate (and yes, I mean hate). The side that I try to keep hidden for fear that if someone actually saw that side of me they would run away screaming. I give her kudos (or mad props for you kids out there) for having the courage to bare her soul on her blog.

Unfortunately, she is also going through a tough time where she's had to hide her blog and has stopped posting almost completely for fear that someone would use those words against her. Her hiding those thoughts didn't happen quickly enough. And the the pictures and words have been used against her in her custody battle of her kids.

The thing is...I'm mad.

I'm not terribly mad at him. I can understand that he wants them as much as she wants them. Hell, when I look at their Easter pictures or pictures of them sleeping, I want them. :) I guess I'm mad at the situation. I'm mad that he's using her talent at describing something that I hope we all feel at one time or another to hurt her. And that makes me so very sad.

Can you imagine if the words that you said to your husband/wife late at night - the whispers of insecurities that SHOULD be safe in a marriage were used against you later to take away the people that matter to you? Those things should be sacred. Those things should be safe.

I know that people hurt in different ways. And I do know that he is fighting for what he feels is right - it's the way that he's doing it that is hurtful.

I'm mad. I'm mad because I can't do a thing to help the situation. I feel helpless that I have to watch my friend grow and find the strength that she's had all along to fight this. Perhaps that's best...that she realize what strength she has by herself. The picture that keeps coming to mind is of a pheonix.

I hope she doesn't mind that I posted about this. Those that read my blog and know her already know all of this. Those that don't know her have either stopped reading by now or are hoping that I'll make some poop joke/reference to lighten the mood of this blog.

It's just been in my mind and on my heart since I read her email this morning.

If you would, friends, say a prayer or hold a good thought that this tough time passes quickly? That her kids are taken care of in the best way and placed in the best situation? The judge has yet to render his verdict and I do believe in the power of prayer and positive thought. I literally hope and pray that he makes the right decision both for the long term and the short term - whatever that may be.

Oh, and POOP.

Look-a-likes

I'm not saying I *do* look like this guy, but let's just say with my new hair cut, I could look like him quite easily.

I'd hyphenate it

Last night I dreamed that I went to Boston to go see my friend Eliseo play in the Boston Symphony (which, I believe he still does). I only got to see the rehearsal, but he was playing every part... like he'd move from playing the tympani to the oboe. He was good...but it was STRANGE.

Anyway, leaving there, I happened to bump into McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey - only I didn't remember his real name in my dream). He was single in my dream and was clearly looking to date someone. And why WOULDN'T he want to date me? I mean, really.


So I gave him my number and parts of my address that I could remember in my dream. I was all...what town do I live in? Hmmm...it starts with an "a" (note: it does NOT)...I believe I wrote down Ashby thinking that I'd rather have him call than send me a signed picture from Tiger Beat magazine. And no, I don't know where a town named Ashby even IS.

So we went to his friend's apartment and he was trying to prove that it was hard to date people even though he's a celebrity. I was shocked. He sat down and got on the computer and typed his name: Derrek Fa**ot (an offensive term for gay people) in some search field on myspace - I guess to show me his profile? As he typed his name, I wasn't shocked that that was his last name - it's like I just knew that that was his name (because I couldn't remember that his name was Patrick Dempsey). But, I was disappointed. I mean, who wants that as a last name? Then I remembered thinking...well, he IS Derrek F@&&*! so really, can I pass this up?

The perfect hangover cure

Last night, I got home from my birthday bash (um...sure, it was a bash!) and let's just say needed to stay awake while drinking water.

I started watching TV and realized rather quickly that my choices of what I could watch were infomercials (no, I do NOT need a juicer!) and episodes of "Rob and Big" - something that I heard was funny but have never seen.

Okay, from what I gather, Rob is a professional skate boarder and "Big" is his bodyguard. I saw two episodes, laughed and then went to bed. Big is pretty much the straight man - not much action on his part, but he hangs out with Rob when he goes skating, etc. They must be big because in one episode EA Sports made a video game for them. Anyway, the episodes are funny. I Tivo'd the next episode because I thought I would want to watch it later.

This morning, I started watching it and laughed my butt off. OMG it was soooo funny.

Anyway, the episode is here.

Whew. Between that, the 785 gallons of water I drank, and a couple of Tylenol, I feel better.

Perfect Score

Because, if even for a short time in my life, I want to have a perfect record.

This blog makes blog #3 on day #3 in a month.

I love threes.

And I don't believe that I've ever been even in posts and days before.

But since today is my day I decided that even if it isn't blog worthy (and really, are any of my blogs not? Ahem...ahem) it'll do.

And just to show my progress, the following song came up today on random. I even listened to the whole song. Seemed appropriate.

"Older" by Colbie Caillat
Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes
Many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused
Turned around
On and on
On and on
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older

Shuffling

I'm a shuffler.

When listening to an iPod, I'm quick to change the song. Kind of like, 'Oh, I know this song! I love this song! (wait 5 seconds) Hmmm...I know how it ends...what's the next one on shuffle? OH! I don't know this song - must be on a compilation I bought. (wait 10 seconds) Hmm...I'd like to instead listen to one I know. I wonder what's next on shuffle.' I rarely ever listen to a song on my iPod all the way through. Much like someone who is hungry and eats just a little bit of everything in the house trying to find exactly what they're hungry for.

It makes the people in the car with me want to unlock the door, open it, and jump out because they're likely to want to face on coming traffic head on (literally!) than deal with my constant change of the song.

SO, with my new iPod, I'm trying to practice patience. I've heard it's a good trait and I figure I'd be a better person if I had more of it. I'm starting to listen to the songs more than halfway through. I've found that I'm listening to most of them (gasp!) UNTIL THE END.

This...this is progress. I think I'm going to call the Oprah show.

Snow Day

Today it snowed.

It was beautiful - the kind of big, fat, fluffy snowflakes that you hope for on Christmas.

But...um...it's May.

And I can't condone that craziness.